Daily lifethroughwords

[lifethroughwords]

Alright, so this is the first forum I have ever joined. I would not consider myself a serious poet, but I do enjoy writing poems and reading other work. I am mostly just doing this for fun and to get my work out there for some feedback. I'll start with this.

Trust is something fragile, handle it with care.
Finding someone trustworthy is simply rare.
For me, I trust no one, its my very own curse.
When I think its getting better, it seems to be getting worse.
Trust has taken it's tole on me already.
I can't seem to have a relationship that remains steady.
My life will consist of finding a cure.
I cannot move on, when I'm so insecure.
Please help me, Lord, I can't do this on my own.
My biggest fear of all is dying alone.




The poem is short, and not very experienced so tell me what you think.

[Jean]

Alright, so this is the first forum I have ever joined. I would not consider myself a serious poet, but I do enjoy writing poems and reading other work. I am mostly just doing this for fun and to get my work out there for some feedback. I'll start with this.

Trust is something fragile, handle it with care.
Finding someone trustworthy is simply rare.
For me, I trust no one, its my very own curse.
When I think its getting better, it seems to be getting worse.
Trust has taken it's tole on me already.
I can't seem to have a relationship that remains steady.
My life will consist of finding a cure.
I cannot move on, when I'm so insecure.
Please help me, Lord, I can't do this on my own.
My biggest fear of all is dying alone.




The poem is short, and not very experienced so tell me what you think.

Hello there! I've just joined this in the last five minutes and have never done anything like this before either, so please forgive me if I'm doing something idiotic, like typing this reply in completely the wrong place.
So, your poem - wow! I feel for you! This poem goes straight to the heart because it feels as though it comes straight from your heart - honestly and bravely. It reads like a plea and a prayer and makes the reader want to embrace and reassure the writer. So that is great - your poem knocks gently at the heart of the reader. The subject matter is one which I'm sure almost everybody can relate to and empathise with. I love the poem's directness and clarity. I feel as though the difficult subject is being managed by being articulated so carefully. It's freshness and honesty is most appealing.
The fact that there is a strict rhyme scheme makes me, (and others may disagree with this), feel that either you need to tighten up the rythmn a bit, or you need to loosen up on the rhyming. Rhymes don't have to come at the ends of lines. I have the feeling though that you maybe enjoy working with a form at the moment. It can be very satisfying, can't it? Like sudoku or crosswords - only the perfect word will do. So maybe you could have a go at looking at the number of syllables in each line and where the stresses of each syllable lie. This would help the flow of the poem in general.
But it's fresh, heartfelt and a brave little poem. Thank you for sharing it and I look forward to reading more!

[billy]

Alright, to get my work out there for some feedback. I'll start with this.
The poem is short, and not very experienced so tell me what you think.

if you want feedback it's best to post it in one of the feedback forums. (novice, mild, or serious) on the basis that you require feedback (but not knowing what kind) i've moved this to the novice section/admin

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if you want feedback and will accept it as such then you're a serious poet. you may become a good poet in time, both don't necessarily go hand in hand i see you gave feedback elsewhere; if you can give a bit more than what you did, you'll get the hang of it
the poem:

the very first line contains a well known cliche. fragile, handle it with care. there are more. cliche can kill a poem quicker than a blink. check spellings, toll not tole. while the rhymes work they feel predictable.
wordiness;

I can't seem to have a relationship that remains steady.

example; my relationships are unstable

seems a lot and there are more problems but it doesn't take long before you see some of these things yourself.

the best line of the poem is the last one. (though 'of all' isn't needed)

good effort

Alright, so this is the first forum I have ever joined. I would not consider myself a serious poet, but I do enjoy writing poems and reading other work. I am mostly just doing this for fun and to get my work out there for some feedback. I'll start with this.

Trust is something fragile, handle it with care.
Finding someone trustworthy is simply rare.
For me, I trust no one, its my very own curse.
When I think its getting better, it seems to be getting worse.
Trust has taken it's tole on me already.
I can't seem to have a relationship that remains steady.
My life will consist of finding a cure.
I cannot move on, when I'm so insecure.
Please help me, Lord, I can't do this on my own.
My biggest fear of all is dying alone.




The poem is short, and not very experienced so tell me what you think.