Composed Upon Seat E11, May 23, 2013

[UnicornRainbowCake]

A less than serious view after completing a pretty awful poetry exam today. My rhythm is more than terrible, I'd appreciate a bit of help fixing it up :-)

Although we were told not to write on the desks,
perhaps this outcry would give you some jest.
It's 1:15 - we're ten minutes in,
the frantic writing will soon begin
But while candidates sit, and write, and complain
how will I ever love poetry again?

When put under watch and expected to write,
I don't know how someone could take delight
in the heartfelt ramblings of Rossetti and Clarke,
when all that concerns is a few extra marks.

The meanings are lost in the marking scheme -
Romeo, where art thou? (Exam paper three)
Scott would be rolling in his grave if he knew
of students striving for an 'alternative view'.

If my ignorant friends were as cultured as me,
perhaps they'd take notice - and finally see
while spotting out similes, the metaphors too
the integrity of writers has gone down the loo.

[James]

A less than serious view after completing a pretty awful poetry exam today. My rhythm is more than terrible, I'd appreciate a bit of help fixing it up :-)

Although we were told not to write on the desks,
perhaps this outcry would give you some jest.
It's 1:15 - we're ten minutes in,
the frantic writing will soon begin
But while candidates sit, and write, and complain
how will I ever love poetry again?

When put under watch and expected to write,
I don't know how someone could take delight
in the heartfelt ramblings of Rossetti and Clarke,
when all that concerns is a few extra marks.

The meanings are lost in the marking scheme - Excellent line, my favourite in this
Romeo, where art thou? (Exam paper three) The butchering of that line works well here
Scott would be rolling in his grave if he knew
of students striving for an 'alternative view'.

If my ignorant friends were as cultured as me,
perhaps they'd take notice - and finally see
while spotting out similes, the metaphors too
the integrity of writers has gone down the loo. I can't explain why, but this stanza made me think of my life a lot, great work

Hi, Unicorn

I'm not the best with rhythm so I apologise for not being able to help you with that, It would be better for somebody more experienced to do that. I like your voice with the poem, and I happen to also be in the middle of Romeo and Juliet in school right now. All in all I really loved this, beautifully written in my opinion at least. I for one agree on your views of what's happened to writing in school, I've noticed it too, that sometimes I care too much about getting a good grade and forget about the actual literature.

Thanks for the read
-James

[milo]

A less than serious view after completing a pretty awful poetry exam today. My rhythm is more than terrible, I'd appreciate a bit of help fixing it up :-)

Although we were told not to write on the desks,
perhaps this outcry would give you some jest.
It's 1:15 - we're ten minutes in,
the frantic writing will soon begin
But while candidates sit, and write, and complain
how will I ever love poetry again?

When put under watch and expected to write,
I don't know how someone could take delight
in the heartfelt ramblings of Rossetti and Clarke,
when all that concerns is a few extra marks.

The meanings are lost in the marking scheme -
Romeo, where art thou? (Exam paper three)
Scott would be rolling in his grave if he knew
of students striving for an 'alternative view'.

If my ignorant friends were as cultured as me,
perhaps they'd take notice - and finally see
while spotting out similes, the metaphors too
the integrity of writers has gone down the loo.

As for the rhythm (meter) there are a few things I could help with, but I am not sure which route you would prefer.

Do you want it diagrammed so you can fix it?
Would you like someone to offer suggestions that would make it perfect meter?
Would you like it "padded" to perfect meter so you can just replace the syllables with words of your own?

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Just a few suggestions that would make it read a bit better, not necessarily perfect meter but close to it :-)

[milo]

A less than serious view after completing a pretty awful poetry exam today. My rhythm is more than terrible, I'd appreciate a bit of help fixing it up :-)

Although we were told not to write on the desks,
perhaps this outcry would give you some jest.
It's 1:15 - we're ten minutes in,
the frantic writing will soon begin
But while candidates sit, and write, and complain
how will I ever love poetry again?

When put under watch and expected to write,
I don't know how someone could take delight
in the heartfelt ramblings of Rossetti and Clarke,
when all that concerns is a few extra marks.

The meanings are lost in the marking scheme -
Romeo, where art thou? (Exam paper three)
Scott would be rolling in his grave if he knew
of students striving for an 'alternative view'.

If my ignorant friends were as cultured as me,
perhaps they'd take notice - and finally see
while spotting out similes, the metaphors too
the integrity of writers has gone down the loo.

ok, here is a meter "touch-up" Mostly I just smoothed to iambic where I could, there are some spots I really couldn't without totally rewriting. There are an inconsistent # of feet/ line, I corrected where I could, but, once again, there were some spots I couldn't without taking some pretty serious liberties.

Let me know what else I can do to help.

Though we were told to not write on the desks,
perhaps this outcry would give you some jest.

this line, btw, is pretty contrived, I suggest you rethink it
It's 1:15 - we're just ten minutes in,

and soon the frantic writing will begin
But while the candidates write and complain
how will I love this poetry again?

When they post a guard to watch us write,
how could a person even take delight
in ramblings of Rossetti or of Clarke,
when all that really matters is the mark.

The meanings lose the war to marking schemes-
"oh, Romeo, where art" (term paper themes)
and Scott, he would just roll up in his grave if he knew
of students striving for an 'alternative view'.

If my shallow friends were cultured (just like me!),
perhaps they'd notice - and they'd finally see
that counting similes and trochees too
has sent integrity right down the loo.

[billy]

i'd try and make some of the end rhymes perfect.

...............clarke
is one extra mark


i'd go for iambic pentameter, i;m sure you could mix your meter if it flowed well enough; for instance.


When put under watch and expected to write,
I don't know how someone could take delight
in the heartfelt ramblings of Rossetti and Clarke,
when all that concerns is a few extra marks.

When put under watch, expected to write;
I wonder how they could take such delight.
The heartfelt ramblings; Rossetti and Clarke,
so many poets for one extra mark.

not the greatest but it shows how you take what you've got and shoe box the bugger by adding taking or altering an odd word or two .

A less than serious view after completing a pretty awful poetry exam today. My rhythm is more than terrible, I'd appreciate a bit of help fixing it up :-)

Although we were told not to write on the desks,
perhaps this outcry would give you some jest.
It's 1:15 - we're ten minutes in,
the frantic writing will soon begin
But while candidates sit, and write, and complain
how will I ever love poetry again?

When put under watch and expected to write,
I don't know how someone could take delight
in the heartfelt ramblings of Rossetti and Clarke,
when all that concerns is a few extra marks.

The meanings are lost in the marking scheme -
Romeo, where art thou? (Exam paper three)
Scott would be rolling in his grave if he knew
of students striving for an 'alternative view'.

If my ignorant friends were as cultured as me,
perhaps they'd take notice - and finally see
while spotting out similes, the metaphors too
the integrity of writers has gone down the loo.

[YaMarVa]

I think the first three stanzas stand on their own, as the last one comes off as arrogant.

Otherwise this is one damn good poem in my opinion, as I can relate. I would call your poem complete as is and move on to your next one. Its perfect.

[Bunx]

quite good.

---

i would the best way to get an A is to just write.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I think the first three stanzas stand on their own, as the last one comes off as arrogant.

Otherwise this is one damn good poem in my opinion, as I can relate. I would call your poem complete as is and move on to your next one. Its perfect.

Thankyou, I was worried that it did come across as arrogant rather than funnily arrogant, if you get me.

---

And thankyou very much milo - I really struggle with meter, oh the woes :-(

[Ryan_w_r]

I really enjoyed reading this and will now go check out some of your other pieces... But first, I just wanted to say I personally liked the rythem of your poem. it doesn't make sense to me to structure a poems rythem in a way that has been done over and over.. If you were to humm along to this poem it would be unique to this piece of writing. I'm not a good poet by any stretch of the imagination but one reason I do enjoy writing poetry is you can break any rule you want (in my mind) as long as you you still give it a poetic feel and give us an enjoyable read. Also, to me, writing about daily life is extremely difficult. When I attempt to do so it ends up sounding monotones and just as boring as the actual occurrence. This however had an upbeat feel for A not so exciting situation. Which I can apprecite because i cant make that happen in my own writing. Thanks for sharing