Static Electricity

[Volaticus]

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us.

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging.


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

[rowens]

Is this another version of a poem you wrote a while back? I studied Danish for a few weeks years ago; but I failed to get the proper grip( maybe you don't speak Danish, and I'm talking all out my head). I wonder what your writings are like in your native language, though I don't at all prefer you stick to it. I'm glad you write in English so I can read it.

A lot of people that need to put more into what they write have a framework or subject, but nothing interesting. You have interesting images here, and though I figure this is based on the music festival you wrote about before, what you have here doesn't say much. It doesn't draw me in. It's interesting, it's bordering on being lovely; but it doesn't offer enough. There's enough to interest me in rare moods. But it leaves no lasting impression. And I'm an obsessive person that gets lasting impressions off most anything; so I know what lasts and what doesn't.

I'm also a horrible person that ideally hopes a person's work pleases me as much as their appearance. So don't hate me because you're beautiful. Just give me a bit more substance to read here, so I can see my ideal brought to life. I'm counting on you.

It isn't bad, but it needs more. More good stuff.

[tectak]

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us. you have a whole stanza here with buggered up syntax. This subjectless technique tends to cause problems. You need to anchor your narrator to the ground or switch to reportage:
"Surrounded by trails of glowing orange, THE fragrant (really?) fireflies buzz faintly, THE sound resonates inside us."

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale. ditto. Very nice but wishy-washy without a purpose. Give it purpose.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging. ditto and ditto. Nice words but ONLY nice. Nice is ikke a nice word. You could certainly change the phrasing to bring flow (rhythm) and meter into the piece..as it is, the whole thing is just an assembly of romantic thoughts


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

Hi volaticus,
Just back from Aalborg Karnival so still pleasant. This is whistful. There is a light and ephemoral thread holding it (just) together. In the line by line I make only a few comments because the substance is so insubstantial that heavy suggestions would tear the fabric. Perhaps you should consider bolstering it with some more clearly defined thoughts. I really do not wish to disavow you of your right to write such fragile poetry but it us just too weak for me....but not for all.
Best,
tectak

[Volaticus]

Hello Volaticus, welcome to serious :-) I see a couple little issues, but it seems well thought it, so I feel like I may be missing something:

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies- Fireflies are fragrant? What do they smell like? I think this is a metaphor, but I'm not sure what it is. some will complain about the cap F, but it doesn't bother me. Author's choice.
their faint buzz
resonating inside us.

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale. This is all pretty abstract, and a bit over my head. I feel like there's something you're trying to say, that goes beyond the use of a direct, matter of fact description, but I'm not quite getting it.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging. you mean rhythm and heartbeats right?


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

I think this is about a concert or something, and the connection shared (through the music) between concert goers, a sort of "we are one, mind body and spirit". But I think it would be better served with some concrete imagery.
I hope that helps.

Thanks for the read,

True

Hi true,
Thanks a lot for your feedback, it is very much appreciated.

Is it more appropriate to use a non-capital letter after a semi-colon?

About the fragrant fireflies. It is a metaphor, yes. But I can see how I've made it difficult to spot, now that you mention it. I'll try to explain what I wanted to say. The fireflies are a metaphor for the glows from lighted joints (and cigarettes). Making trails in the dark. That's why I used "fragrant" about fireflies, because the glows oozed fragrance. I know real fireflies don't have any scent
The three stanzas all mention the smoke, as it was that, which really brought people together.
That, and of course also like you said, the music.

Thanks for pointing out that the second stanza was abstract. I was not aware of that. I'll try to explain. The first two lines, are about how people first were swallowed by the intoxicating smoke. And the smoke then drifting upward, lulling the stars down to inhale, meant as a reference to being intoxicated and feeling one with nature. How intoxication can make nature feel almost like it's inside of you.

"Beats and hearts merging." Yes, beats from music and hearts(/heartbeats) that merge. I thought it summed up the stanza in a nice way. Maybe I was wrong?

You said it needs concrete imagery. It confuses me a bit, cause I tried to make images in each stanza. Could you maybe elaborate a little on that? It's not to sound unappreciative, I just want to be sure I understand my mistakes, so I can do a proper rewrite, since I've been less successful with most of my rewrites so far.

Best,
-LB

[rowens]

Don't fireflies have a scent though?

[Volaticus]

Is this another version of a poem you wrote a while back? I studied Danish for a few weeks years ago; but I failed to get the proper grip( maybe you don't speak Danish, and I'm talking all out my head). I wonder what your writings are like in your native language, though I don't at all prefer you stick to it. I'm glad you write in English so I can read it.

A lot of people that need to put more into what they write have a framework or subject, but nothing interesting. You have interesting images here, and though I figure this is based on the music festival you wrote about before, what you have here doesn't say much. It doesn't draw me in. It's interesting, it's bordering on being lovely; but it doesn't offer enough. There's enough to interest me in rare moods. But it leaves no lasting impression. And I'm an obsessive person that gets lasting impressions off most anything; so I know what lasts and what doesn't.

I'm also a horrible person that ideally hopes a person's work pleases me as much as their appearance. So don't hate me because you're beautiful. Just give me a bit more substance to read here, so I can see my ideal brought to life. I'm counting on you.

It isn't bad, but it needs more. More good stuff.

Hi rowens,
I really appreciate your thoughtful comments, thanks a bunch

Yes, this is something I have posted a while back. In the mild section, I believe. I got an encouraging comment, that made me think it was worth workshopping, so I decided to post it here in serious crit. I originally wanted to add more stanzas before posting it here, but after many hours of going nowhere, I though it'd be best if got some more feedback, to guide me in the right direction.

Yeah, I've heard Danish is a very difficult language to learn. But I can't tell. It's my native language, I don't even remember learning it. It's just there.
I too, wonder what my writings in Danish are like. I mean.. I like them, but that's not saying much, without other people's opinions too. I've tried translating some of them, but I don't think the poems work very well that way.

I'm glad you're counting on me I'm still only a novice poet, but I'm eager to learn. Can I ask what it would take, for it to leave you with a lasting impression? What the poem needs for you to be satisfied as a reader?

My best,
-LB

---

Don't fireflies have a scent though?

I don't think fireflies have a scent I've tried to explain it in my post to trueenigma, why I used the word "fragrant" about them.

[rowens]

I know what they smell like.

[Brownlie]

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz - This part is awkward the word "their" interrupts the flow and sounds awkward.
resonating inside us. - I think you have a problem with your tense

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars -There seems to be a type of juxtaposition here they move up and it makes what is higher in the heavens seem closer as if the cosmos were more connected. I'm getting lofty in my interpretation
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes; I assume you are comparing the fire flies to marionettes. I'm not so sure it is very clear.
Invisible strings -- What holds the invisible strings that would be interesting
and fleeting aroma- - I don't know about aroma I have never smelled a firefly
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging.


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

It looks like you have a lofty description of fireflies I have trouble discerning what you are attempting to communicate other than an aesthetically pleasing description. Your poem reminds me of an Emily Dickinson poem called The Lightening is a Yellow Fork. Perhaps you could learn something from that poem.

[rowens]

I could tell you what would leave an impression. But then I'd end up writing the poem myself. And I'm more interested in what you have to offer. As it is, there are only abstract images here. That's not always bad. But you said you were going to add more stanzas last time; you should do that.

And a semicolon doesn't end the sentence, so the next word doesn't need to be capitalized. Though I know of poets that do capitalize like that, to emphasize the start of a new line. In a normal sentence you wouldn't usually do that.

---

By the way, I have some Danish books and a Danish dictionary in my room. If you keep being nice, I might be encouraged to learn. Then I can read your other poems too. But don't expect too much from me.

[Volaticus]

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us. you have a whole stanza here with buggered up syntax. This subjectless technique tends to cause problems. You need to anchor your narrator to the ground or switch to reportage:
"Surrounded by trails of glowing orange, THE fragrant (really?) fireflies buzz faintly, THE sound resonates inside us."

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale. ditto. Very nice but wishy-washy without a purpose. Give it purpose.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging. ditto and ditto. Nice words but ONLY nice. Nice is ikke a nice word. You could certainly change the phrasing to bring flow (rhythm) and meter into the piece..as it is, the whole thing is just an assembly of romantic thoughts


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

Hi volaticus,
Just back from Aalborg Karnival so still pleasant. This is whistful. There is a light and ephemoral thread holding it (just) together. In the line by line I make only a few comments because the substance is so insubstantial that heavy suggestions would tear the fabric. Perhaps you should consider bolstering it with some more clearly defined thoughts. I really do not wish to disavow you of your right to write such fragile poetry but it us just too weak for me....but not for all.
Best,
tectak

Hi tectac,
I didn't even know there was a Karnival there. I hope you had lots of fun
Thanks for your comments, I appreciate it very much
I didn't know the syntax was messed up. Could you maybe clarify for me, so I can correct it?
Do you mean, that I should have a narrator from the beginning, ie starting the first stanza with "I'm" or "We're"?
About the fragrant fireflies. I've tried to explain it in my post to trueenigma. About the buzz and not the sound resonating inside. The fireflies' buzz, is a drug reference. So I thought it was okay, since it's not really fireflies' buzz I'm writing about.
What do you think could give the poem more purpose? My purpose, in short, was that the first stanza tells about intoxication. The second about being one with nature, and the third about being one with the music and other people.
Once again, much appreciated feedback, and I hope it's not annoying with my questions, I just want to make sure I understand.

Best,
-LB

---

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz - This part is awkward the word "their" interrupts the flow and sounds awkward.
resonating inside us. - I think you have a problem with your tense

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars -There seems to be a type of juxtaposition here they move up and it makes what is higher in the heavens seem closer as if the cosmos were more connected. I'm getting lofty in my interpretation
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes; I assume you are comparing the fire flies to marionettes. I'm not so sure it is very clear.
Invisible strings -- What holds the invisible strings that would be interesting
and fleeting aroma- - I don't know about aroma I have never smelled a firefly
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging.


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

It looks like you have a lofty description of fireflies I have trouble discerning what you are attempting to communicate other than an aesthetically pleasing description. Your poem reminds me of an Emily Dickinson poem called The Lightening is a Yellow Fork. Perhaps you could learn something from that poem.

Hi Brownlie,
Thank you very much for commenting
I agree, the word "their" is interrupting. What do you mean by tense? As in present and past tense etc?
I can see that I have a narrative problem. No, it's not the fireflies I'm comparing to marionettes. It's the people. And the invisible strings (as in marionette doll strings), are the comparison that music can "control" people, just like marionette strings.
The poem is not about actual fireflies. If you read my other comments, maybe that will clarify a little.
I have not read the poem you're mentioning, but I'll sure give it a look.
Thanks again, I have some things to think about.
Best,
-LB

---

I could tell you what would leave an impression. But then I'd end up writing the poem myself. And I'm more interested in what you have to offer. As it is, there are only abstract images here. That's not always bad. But you said you were going to add more stanzas last time; you should do that.

And a semicolon doesn't end the sentence, so the next word doesn't need to be capitalized. Though I know of poets that do capitalize like that, to emphasize the start of a new line. In a normal sentence you wouldn't usually do that.

---

By the way, I have some Danish books and a Danish dictionary in my room. If you keep being nice, I might be encouraged to learn. Then I can read your other poems too. But don't expect too much from me.

Thanks for the explanation about the capitalizing. That will be corrected in the edit.
I have so much to think about, I hope my head can settle enough at some point, so I can actually make the rewrite.
Now you've got me curious.. What Danish books, if I may ask?
It would be nice to have a fellow poet's point of view on my native writings. I've never had that. But don't worry, I won't expect that of you. But I'll still keep being nice.

[rowens]

Danish books. Nothing too exciting: Some old school books, children's books, and some books by Kierkegaard. They're completely in Danish though. All I had to work with was my Danish/English dictionary....I might give it another shot, who knows....The nicer you are, the better chance I have.

[Volaticus]

Danish books. Nothing too exciting: Some old school books, children's books, and some books by Kierkegaard. They're completely in Danish though. All I had to work with was my Danish/English dictionary....I might give it another shot, who knows....The nicer you are, the better chance I have.

Kierkegaard does not sound like an easy thing to read with only a dictionary to work with, so I admire that you have even tried. Do you have relatives or something over here, since you have school books also? Oops, getting way off topic here, sorry.

[rowens]

I'm the one that gets off topic. This is your thread.

I have school books because I wanted more to work with. And I found them in a used bookshop in Cambridge. I already had Kierkegaard's books in English, so I wanted to read them in the language he wrote in. And I had some of his journals in Danish that I couldn't find in translations at the time.

[billy]

i'm never keen on centre aligned poems so when i see one it's like an automatic first glance dislike. they also make feedback look like bird shit after that i fight to put my prejudiced to one side. i think the title works, if only for the fact that fireflies sometimes don't move. not sure you need to break a line out every time you come to a pause.

good effort. looking forward to your workshopping of it

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails the first line feels like it needs more, what's wrong with 'orange' trails? on the next line you could knock 'of glowing' down a line so your 2nd line becomes; of Fragrant glowing fireflies-...just a suggestion to expand the opening.
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us.

Engulfed by a mouth would it be better as 'by mouths of..'
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars i like this line, though thew 1st line of the stanza feels out of place, i think engulfed negates the softness of lulling. down is more or less redundant as it's the only place we're likely to be.
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies; not sure conjoined is needed as merging has a similar meaning in this instant
Beats and hearts merging. i think this stanza needs some work, along the lines of;
the tunes of Marionettes
Invisible strings
etc
etc



(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

[serge gurkski]

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us,

engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging.


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

Hi Louise,
just my take.

I would rewrite (because I read it so) thusly:

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange:
Fragrant fireflies.
Their faint buzz
resonates inside us,

engulfed by a mouthful
of scented clouds
drifting upward,
lulling by the stars,
for us to inhale.

Marionettes to the beat:
Some fleeting aroma strings
our swaying bodies.
Music and hearts converge.
(with enjabment between S1 and 2)
------------

Title: no, because static electricity means the opposite of what's happening here. "Lull" is the only word that could refer back to the title but you use it in a maybe sweet smoke clouded way: It is not a motion verb. Indeed, it would need (billy hints at that) an object, in the sense of to soothe soeone, to calm someone down. "Lull" as a noun means pause, break, discontinuity. That could be used (and has been) in the context of Heroin use. It does not fit in well here, see your S3 (beat etc).

I concur with most of what my fellow critics already wrote. A line by line is not applicable because your three stanzas are too interwoven to allow for it.

To sum it up, I do like your poem because I tend to think I got you. ;-)

Welcome and cheers

serge

[Volaticus]

Hi again,

First I would like to apologize for my own lack of concrete detail, I should have been more specific in my critique. I was pressed for time, and I should have just waited until I could be more thorough, but I was happy to see you posting in serious, and I wanted to offer what I could, off the cuff. I know that you have no use for my excuses, so I might as well get down to the business at hand:

In the first stanza your metaphor doesn't really work both ways, because there is no scent commonly associated with the firefly. I would suggest just using them as a simile for the lit ends of cigarettes/cherries, but then you want to use the buzzing detail as well. Is there perhaps another detail about fireflies that may apply? Maybe trails of light, sparks, etc.. Now let's talk a bit about the buzzing: The faint buzz of a fly doesn't really resonate within anyone, in fact, I have spent a lot of time within close proximity to fireflies, and I have never even heard their buzz. Something like "we all enjoyed the Vibrations of their faint buzzing" would be more solid, and you could even try to work something in about wings (getting high). The problem remains though, it's bit unbelievable that anyone would actually hear them, especially over music, and some people may relate the buzzing to the music instead of what you are intending them to. You could perhaps invoke a swarm, or try something along the lines of feeling a faint, buzzing contact when their wing brush against us. Don't rush it, you'll find a way to improve it, I'm sure. It is actually a nice idea, one which I actually find inspiring. I love a good metaphor.

The main problem with the next strophe is that clouds don't have mouths. You can be enveloped in a cloud, but the clouds aren't really lulling the stars, they are lulling YOU into a different state of mind that changes your perception, but describing this state as simply "being in the stars", or "spaced out", is of course cliche, but I'm confident that you can use your growing command of the English language to find a better way to fix the problem, and avoid the cliche.

In the final stanza, I wasn't sure if the strings were those of an instrument, or some invisible, new age, intangible, spiritual concept/imaginary element of connection, or both. I like the idea of them being the strings of an instrument, even as a metaphor for the spiritual concept, but to make it work there is no need to mention them being "invisible". Beats don't merge with hearts, you want to say that the hearts beat to the rhythm of the music, so why not just say it? You can find a unique way of doing it."the thrum of the drum matched the beat of my hearts rhythm" (just an example, you can do better). This is not the 17th century, we can say real things now, and be poetic at the same time. Liberating, isn't it?

Anyway, the point is that a healthy dose of reality wouldn't hurt it. I know that it is partly about intoxication, but you would never want to have to explain your poem away by saying, "oh, I was high when I wrote this".

You want to use two (or more, but simplicity can be an art in itself ) separate levels or " layers" in the poem: the first one real, or literal, then all the others UNDERNEATH it figurative. The more solid and interesting the first layer is, the smaller any issues with the figurative layers become.

I hope that was more helpful :-)
P.s. Please don't be too critical of my examples, I was only trying to explain it all, not rewrite the poem for you.

Wishing you luck and success on your poetic endeavor,

True

No need for apologies, true. I am really grateful that you came back and gave such thorough feedback, it has been a tremendous help. Thanks so much.
About the fireflies metaphor. You really helped me see the issues with the metaphor, and your examples were very helpful. I think I can play around with it, to make the metaphor more sensible. I'll give it my best shot, anyways I'm happy to have inspired you with the metaphor, that makes me happy. Especially since I know the poem is not that good, at this point.
Your explanation about lulling the stars makes a lot of sense. I will try to find a less abstract way to say it, doing all I can to avoid cliche.
And the thing you said, that the poem could use a healthy dose of reality, thanks for that. It sums up the problems, and I can see the problems much clearer now.
I'll also try to think about the layers. I've never thought of that while writing, but I really should. So I'll give it my best shot in the rewrite.
This has been very enlightening, so once again, thanks so much.

Best,
LB

---

I'm the one that gets off topic. This is your thread.

I have school books because I wanted more to work with. And I found them in a used bookshop in Cambridge. I already had Kierkegaard's books in English, so I wanted to read them in the language he wrote in. And I had some of his journals in Danish that I couldn't find in translations at the time.

Oh well, I enjoyed the talk nevertheless. And I think I'll go have a look at some used books shops. Maybe if I'm lucky, I could find some schoolbooks on English, cause the ones I have from elementary school are too easy.

---

i'm never keen on centre aligned poems so when i see one it's like an automatic first glance dislike. they also make feedback look like bird shit after that i fight to put my prejudiced to one side. i think the title works, if only for the fact that fireflies sometimes don't move. not sure you need to break a line out every time you come to a pause.

good effort. looking forward to your workshopping of it

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails the first line feels like it needs more, what's wrong with 'orange' trails? on the next line you could knock 'of glowing' down a line so your 2nd line becomes; of Fragrant glowing fireflies-...just a suggestion to expand the opening.
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us.

Engulfed by a mouth would it be better as 'by mouths of..'
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars i like this line, though thew 1st line of the stanza feels out of place, i think engulfed negates the softness of lulling. down is more or less redundant as it's the only place we're likely to be.
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies; not sure conjoined is needed as merging has a similar meaning in this instant
Beats and hearts merging. i think this stanza needs some work, along the lines of;
the tunes of Marionettes
Invisible strings
etc
etc



(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

Hi billy,
Thanks so much for your help, and your kind words.
I considered the center alignment for so long, until I finally decided to use it. But I can see how it can be disrupting. The rewrite will have normal alignment.
I like your idea of expanding the opening, I will work on that.
You're absolutely right. "Mouths of" is more correct, but I'll probably not use the word "mouth(s)" in the rewrite. Some of the other comments made me aware of the issue that clouds don't have mouths.
In the second stanza, I see your point of words negating each other, and redundant words. I'll probably keep the lulling of the stars, and try to get the stanza to make more sense, around the "lulling" sentence.
"Conjoins" and "Merging" shouldn't be used so close together, thanks for pointing that out.
Thanks once again, you have been very helpful, and I appreciate that.

Best,
-LB

---

Hi Louise,
just my take.

I would rewrite (because I read it so) thusly:

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange:
Fragrant fireflies.
Their faint buzz
resonates inside us,

engulfed by a mouthful
of scented clouds
drifting upward,
lulling by the stars,
for us to inhale.

Marionettes to the beat:
Some fleeting aroma strings
our swaying bodies.
Music and hearts converge.
(with enjabment between S1 and 2)
------------

Title: no, because static electricity means the opposite of what's happening here. "Lull" is the only word that could refer back to the title but you use it in a maybe sweet smoke clouded way: It is not a motion verb. Indeed, it would need (billy hints at that) an object, in the sense of to soothe soeone, to calm someone down. "Lull" as a noun means pause, break, discontinuity. That could be used (and has been) in the context of Heroin use. It does not fit in well here, see your S3 (beat etc).

I concur with most of what my fellow critics already wrote. A line by line is not applicable because your three stanzas are too interwoven to allow for it.

To sum it up, I do like your poem because I tend to think I got you. ;-)

Welcome and cheers

serge

Hi Serge,
Thanks a lot for your feedback.
I like your take on my poem. It sure has inspired me, so thanks for that.
About the title. I completely follow you, because static is, well, static. I chose the title, because I thought that static electricity was also the phenomenon behind what sometimes happens, when you touch another person, and there comes a small spark at the point of touch. So I thought it matched the theme of people being brought close together. Maybe I was wrong :S
But anyways.. Thanks for your thoughtful comments and kind words, you have given me some good things to think about

Best,
-Louise

[tectak]

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us. you have a whole stanza here with buggered up syntax. This subjectless technique tends to cause problems. You need to anchor your narrator to the ground or switch to reportage:
"Surrounded by trails of glowing orange, THE fragrant (really?) fireflies buzz faintly, THE sound resonates inside us."

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale. ditto. Very nice but wishy-washy without a purpose. Give it purpose.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging. ditto and ditto. Nice words but ONLY nice. Nice is ikke a nice word. You could certainly change the phrasing to bring flow (rhythm) and meter into the piece..as it is, the whole thing is just an assembly of romantic thoughts


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

Hi volaticus,
Just back from Aalborg Karnival so still pleasant. This is whistful. There is a light and ephemoral thread holding it (just) together. In the line by line I make only a few comments because the substance is so insubstantial that heavy suggestions would tear the fabric. Perhaps you should consider bolstering it with some more clearly defined thoughts. I really do not wish to disavow you of your right to write such fragile poetry but it us just too weak for me....but not for all.
Best,
tectak

Hi tectac,
I didn't even know there was a Karnival there. I hope you had lots of fun
Thanks for your comments, I appreciate it very much
I didn't know the syntax was messed up. Could you maybe clarify for me, so I can correct it?
Do you mean, that I should have a narrator from the beginning, ie starting the first stanza with "I'm" or "We're"?
About the fragrant fireflies. I've tried to explain it in my post to trueenigma. About the buzz and not the sound resonating inside. The fireflies' buzz, is a drug reference. So I thought it was okay, since it's not really fireflies' buzz I'm writing about.
What do you think could give the poem more purpose? My purpose, in short, was that the first stanza tells about intoxication. The second about being one with nature, and the third about being one with the music and other people.
Once again, much appreciated feedback, and I hope it's not annoying with my questions, I just want to make sure I understand.

Best,
-LB

---

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz - This part is awkward the word "their" interrupts the flow and sounds awkward.
resonating inside us. - I think you have a problem with your tense

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars -There seems to be a type of juxtaposition here they move up and it makes what is higher in the heavens seem closer as if the cosmos were more connected. I'm getting lofty in my interpretation
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes; I assume you are comparing the fire flies to marionettes. I'm not so sure it is very clear.
Invisible strings -- What holds the invisible strings that would be interesting
and fleeting aroma- - I don't know about aroma I have never smelled a firefly
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging.


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

It looks like you have a lofty description of fireflies I have trouble discerning what you are attempting to communicate other than an aesthetically pleasing description. Your poem reminds me of an Emily Dickinson poem called The Lightening is a Yellow Fork. Perhaps you could learn something from that poem.

Hi Brownlie,
Thank you very much for commenting
I agree, the word "their" is interrupting. What do you mean by tense? As in present and past tense etc?
I can see that I have a narrative problem. No, it's not the fireflies I'm comparing to marionettes. It's the people. And the invisible strings (as in marionette doll strings), are the comparison that music can "control" people, just like marionette strings.
The poem is not about actual fireflies. If you read my other comments, maybe that will clarify a little.
I have not read the poem you're mentioning, but I'll sure give it a look.
Thanks again, I have some things to think about.
Best,
-LB

---

I could tell you what would leave an impression. But then I'd end up writing the poem myself. And I'm more interested in what you have to offer. As it is, there are only abstract images here. That's not always bad. But you said you were going to add more stanzas last time; you should do that.

And a semicolon doesn't end the sentence, so the next word doesn't need to be capitalized. Though I know of poets that do capitalize like that, to emphasize the start of a new line. In a normal sentence you wouldn't usually do that.

---

By the way, I have some Danish books and a Danish dictionary in my room. If you keep being nice, I might be encouraged to learn. Then I can read your other poems too. But don't expect too much from me.

Thanks for the explanation about the capitalizing. That will be corrected in the edit.
I have so much to think about, I hope my head can settle enough at some point, so I can actually make the rewrite.
Now you've got me curious.. What Danish books, if I may ask?
It would be nice to have a fellow poet's point of view on my native writings. I've never had that. But don't worry, I won't expect that of you. But I'll still keep being nice.

Hi vol,
You are being misrepresented! I got the hash trash early on, hence my confession to still being "pleasant" after Aalborg ( biggest in northern Europe, 25000 participating in the procession, 100000plus in the festivities...and no shit. Yeh...right)
The "buzz" is good but I think you risk the jargon call. I don't believe no one got the buzz. They are just asking for more confirmation...as one user to another...not me of course!
Best,
tectak

[Volaticus]

Hi vol,
You are being misrepresented! I got the hash trash early on, hence my confession to still being "pleasant" after Aalborg ( biggest in northern Europe, 25000 participating in the procession, 100000plus in the festivities...and no shit. Yeh...right)
The "buzz" is good but I think you risk the jargon call. I don't believe no one got the buzz. They are just asking for more confirmation...as one user to another...not me of course!
Best,
tectak

Now I just feel silly Thanks a lot for your reply

[Volaticus]

I really didn't get the "buzz", but it is a common enough term. All that trippy stuff about clouds did have me wondering though.

I hope my edit will make more sense

[Volaticus]

I am sure you will do fine I'm looking forward to it! No rush though, and no pressure.

Thanks for your encouragement, it means a lot to me.
And I won't rush it. I find it very difficult to write (for various reasons), so trying to rush it is just makes it even harder. But I really look forward to give it my best shot in the near future