senyru 22nd May

[Magpie]

A noisy Pigeon
furiously flaps flustered
through the calm evening
==========================
Mister mischievious
Robin red supervises
my gardening skills
==========================
Crow versus Seagull
squally squabble screech and squawk
scattering tourists

[billy]

A noisy Pigeon
furiously flaps flustered
through the calm evening
==========================
Mister mischievious is it mischievous?
Robin red supervises
my gardening skills
==========================
Crow versus Seagull
squally squabble screech and squawk
scattering tourists

hi amb
not sure the alliteration works that well in the 1st and 3rd poem
the 2nd doesn't read too badly and has a good change of direction with the last line.

[Magpie]

Haiku should capture a moment with economy. I think these could be fine if pared down a bit..


A noisy Pigeon
flaps
through the calm evening


Robin
supervises
my gardening


Crow and seagull
squabble,
scattering tourists



Apologies if I went too far. But I like what you have done here.

No apologies needed, I appreciate very much what you've said and what you've done with these. I do still have a almost superstitious habit of wanting to use 17 syllables but the more I learn about the Japanese language the more I realise that it is wrong to use 17. The other thing I notice from what you've done to them is that you've took nothing away from the image the only thing that they've lost is the alliteration, but that also makes sense if the intent is a "moment with economy" then alliteration would seem like excess baggage.
Thanks for reading these and also for the suggestions.

Also thanks for the kinds words about the song "wine" and the guitar playing, I'm glad you liked it.