Lass

[Zerric]

O how I dream of raven tresses,
Soft brown eyes that leave me breathless,
Angelic hands, and dainty feet,
A smile like sunshine, bringing me
Light in the darkness of my heart,
A love so pure, with no regard,
Of the demons who whisper in my ears,
O! How I hold this lass so dear!


I was kinda going for a little archaic feel in the poem...

[heisenborg]

I think the "O!" definitely seals the deal as archaic and old-world lol. I like it a lot, good sir. The only criticism I would give it, if I may, is that the second to last line "Of the demons who whisper in my ears" may be a bit breathy, maybe just a syllable or two too long. That may be the style you're going for, but I felt like that line didn't flow in the same way, and kind of whisked me away from the old-world-ness of it, albeit for only a second...

Overall though, very nice work! I felt like I was brought along, not dragged along through it, it seemed animated enough to keep my attention, yet organized enough to lead me down a path. Bravo!

[milo]

O how I dream of raven tresses,
Soft brown eyes that leave me breathless,
Angelic hands, and dainty feet,
A smile like sunshine, bringing me
Light in the darkness of my heart,
A love so pure, with no regard,
Of the demons who whisper in my ears,
O! How I hold this lass so dear!


I was kinda going for a little archaic feel in the poem...

It is mostly pretty good, you have managed to establish a meter and stick to it for 9 lines. The ninth line you could easily fix with something like "of demon whispers in my ear" or something.

[tectak]

O how I dream of raven tresses,
Soft brown eyes that leave me breathless,
Angelic hands, and dainty feet,
A smile like sunshine, bringing me
Light in the darkness of my heart,
A love so pure, with no regard,
Of the demons who whisper in my ears,
O! How I hold this lass so dear!


I was kinda going for a little archaic feel in the poem...

It is mostly pretty good, you have managed to establish a meter and stick to it for 9 lines. The ninth line you could easily fix with something like "of demon whispers in my ear" or something.

.....about this carrot. Is it a metaphorical carrot or would you still be pleased to see me carrotless?
tectak

[milo]

O how I dream of raven tresses,
Soft brown eyes that leave me breathless,
Angelic hands, and dainty feet,
A smile like sunshine, bringing me
Light in the darkness of my heart,
A love so pure, with no regard,
Of the demons who whisper in my ears,
O! How I hold this lass so dear!


I was kinda going for a little archaic feel in the poem...

It is mostly pretty good, you have managed to establish a meter and stick to it for 9 lines. The ninth line you could easily fix with something like "of demon whispers in my ear" or something.

.....about this carrot. Is it a metaphorical carrot or would you still be pleased to see me carrotless?
tectak

the but established that regardless of the carrot, I am glad to see you.

[Brownlie]

[Image: http://media1.keepbusy.net/pics/pic-dump-110-12.jpg]

Insect so big it can eat a carrot!

[milo]

[Image: http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/17ff9e22...bigpic.jpg]

Insect so big it can eat a carrot!

GUYS!!! This isn't the "for fun" poem, say something about the poem with your inanities.

like so" I think darkness of my heart" is cliche and if it wasn't before, I just pushed it over the edge.

[Brownlie]

O how I dream of raven tresses,
Soft brown eyes that leave me breathless,
Angelic hands, and dainty feet,
A smile like sunshine, bringing me
Light in the darkness of my heart,
A love so pure, with no regard,
Of the demons who whisper in my ears,
O! How I hold this lass so dear!


I was kinda going for a little archaic feel in the poem...

It is mostly pretty good, you have managed to establish a meter and stick to it for 9 lines. The ninth line you could easily fix with dsomething like "ofDa demDum onDa whisDum persDa inDum? myDa ear Dum" or something.

I don't know about "in" as a dum

[milo]

O how I dream of raven tresses,
Soft brown eyes that leave me breathless,
Angelic hands, and dainty feet,
A smile like sunshine, bringing me
Light in the darkness of my heart,
A love so pure, with no regard,
Of the demons who whisper in my ears,
O! How I hold this lass so dear!


I was kinda going for a little archaic feel in the poem...

It is mostly pretty good, you have managed to establish a meter and stick to it for 9 lines. The ninth line you could easily fix with dsomething like "ofDa demDum onDa whisDum persDa inDum? myDa ear Dum" or something.

I don't know about "in" as a dum

well, it is a common promotion but you are correct there isn't really an overwhelming need for promotion as there is no antithesis of demon's whispering other places. "in my ears" as a phrase is probably superfluous. Of course, the promotion was there before I tinkered as was the wordiness, I was just offering a metric correction.

[peterjohnson68]

O how I dream of raven tresses,
Soft brown eyes that leave me breathless,
Angelic hands, and dainty feet,
A smile like sunshine, bringing me
Light in the darkness of my heart,
A love so pure, with no regard,
Of the demons who whisper in my ears,
O! How I hold this lass so dear!


I was kinda going for a little archaic feel in the poem...

I think you got the feel just right. The first image that popped into my head was a Viking.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

O how I dream of raven tresses,
Soft brown eyes that leave me breathless,
Angelic hands, and dainty feet,
A smile like sunshine, bringing me
Light in the darkness of my heart,
A love so pure, with no regard,
Of the demons who whisper in my ears,
O! How I hold this lass so dear!


I was kinda going for a little archaic feel in the poem...

The second to last line breaks the flow a little. maybe "The demon whispers to my ears"