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Joined: Jun 2013
Elusive as a sea of sand
Slipping through a grasping hand
My thoughts are vapors in a storm
Shapeless, swirling, and they're gone
Memories, philosophies
Tosseled on a mental breeze
Teaching me to know anew
Thoughts are neither false nor true
They're living, breathing, taunting things
Forcing me to look, to see
Until at last I understand
The beauty of the slipping sand
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Joined: Jun 2013
Love this!
It flows so smoothly and the language really creates that feeling of slipping - like the words slip through our hands just as the sand.
Quote:I'm curious as to why you chose to not use any punctuation and capitalize every line. I thought that style gave the poem a "slippery" feel
Totally agree with that!
I especially love the last two lines
Quote: Until at last I understand
The beauty of the slipping sand
So beautiful...
Posts: 10
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(06-14-2013, 10:05 AM)c.gutzwiller Wrote: Memories, philosophies
Tosseled on a mental breeze
Teaching me to know anew
Thoughts are neither false nor true
They're living, breathing, taunting things
that was my favorite part. i loved this. excellent flow, consistent strong imagery. great read. keep writing.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
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06-21-2013, 08:06 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-21-2013, 08:15 AM by billy.)
did you mean tousled (pronounced tussled) on line 6?
at first i thought it would be a rhyming poem
a solid effort. i did enjoy the 3rd line better as an opening line
which makes me ask, would the 3rd and 4th line work better as the opening two line while lines 1 and 2 become the 3rd and 4th line.?
the line
They're living, breathing, taunting things
feels forced
the reading of the poem is very easy and each word flows into the next.
overall as i said earlier. a great effort
(06-14-2013, 10:05 AM)c.gutzwiller Wrote: Elusive as a sea of sand
Slipping through a grasping hand
My thoughts are vapors in a storm
Shapeless, swirling, and they're gone
Memories, philosophies
Tosseled on a mental breeze
Teaching me to know anew
Thoughts are neither false nor true
They're living, breathing, taunting things
Forcing me to look, to see
Until at last I understand
The beauty of the slipping sand
Posts: 9
Threads: 2
Joined: Jun 2013
This was good. I enjoyed the flow of this piece the most. I liked your wording a lot, it invoked a lot of strong imagery. Nice work man, keep dropping.
