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Deaf on a pew,
dying choirboy guppies ,
symbolised fish.
Deaf on a pew,
dying choirboy guppies ,
symbolise fish.
Dirty dog collar looks on
and holidays in Thailand.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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This one gets a

from me.
Every line reads like a mini senyru. Packed full of gritty images.
Difficult to pick a best loved line...like all of them
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Quireboy? Is that an attempt to somehow amalgamate queer to choir? Is deaf meant to be death? Maybe a written speech impediment or ebonics?
Those nits aside, I really like the first three lines and they complete a "cheeky lil' piece" .

The final two lines are erroneous and detract from the experience IMHO.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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Really love the gravely under-belly images, but is the dog on holiday? If not, I'd clarify. Good stuff.
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i'm seeing the dog collar as the priest on holiday.
i got perversion from it but struggled with the fish line .
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(09-19-2013, 10:14 AM)bena Wrote: Really love the gravely under-belly images, but is the dog on holiday? If not, I'd clarify. Good stuff.
Thanks for your crit bena dog collar is the priest and the link to the holiday destination could be prejudice due to the stigma that is attached to the destination, well that is in the UK not sure this on will travel that well. Thanks TOMH
(09-19-2013, 10:19 AM)billy Wrote: i'm seeing the dog collar as the priest on holiday.
i got perversion from it but struggled with the fish line .
I see you get it but your an expat so you don't count. Will the Thailand reference be understood in the US ? Oh and the fish is the Christian symbol that if you were deaf and watching a choir sing looking like dying fish you could have the misconception that this is why the symbol is a fish.
Aw damn I've done it again, its all in my head and not on the page.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out