Villanelle

[Vistaldust]

"Alone I Charge into the Evening Breeze"

Alone I charge into the evening breeze,
like confetti against the lighted moon.
Floating high above the acosmic seas,

I see Prufrock's etherized world in ruin.
As the children of David bend their knees,
Alone I charge I to the evening breeze.

I've no one left in which to please,
the sun and stars are my truest boon.
Floating high above the acosmic seas,

the gilded stars are my floating trapeze.
Shadowed night is a bride for this groom,
Alone I charge into the evening breeze.

I'll find a cloud in which to squeeze.
I'll unleash the rain from it's drawing room.
Floating high above the acosmic seas,

Can it dampen the fire of vocal disease?
Until I fall once more toward to the womb,
Alone I charge into the evening breeze,
Floating high above acosmic seas.

[billy]

a couple of meter probs but this isn't a crit forum :d great effort nonetheless

[Vistaldust]

Thanks, billy. I see Leanne has a thread on meter. I'll check it out.

[billy]

toward to the womb,

is prob something to muse over

[Brownlie]

I'm with Billy, great effort if I wasn't drunk I'd give you some more feedback, but most won't even attempt a villanelle.

[billy]

good job you're drunk then cos it's the for fun forum

[rowens]

I usually have a harder time posting when I'm not drunk.

[Vistaldust]

I used to love getting dunk, but it always gave me an allergic reaction the next day. I always broke out with a serious case of apologies.

[rowens]

I rarely apologize for anything.