vintage strumming

[Heartafire]

Final Revision

Love unfolds this way:
Electric, stirring the mind and soul;
A jolt to the heart.

A blonde haired boy
gifting baby’s breath and peonies.
The years generate a new language,
A vintage guitar, warm and authentic,
strumming softly.


They cross the mountains
and swim against the current
to gift baby’s breath
and sweet peonies.



Revision one

Love unfolds this way,
electric, charged with emotion
that jolts the heart.
A blonde haired boy
gifting baby’s breath and peony.

The years generate a new language,
warm and authentic, a vintage guitar
strumming soft as snowflakes
beneath the weight of one another.

Fragile entities crossing mountains,
resisting undercurrents,
bestowing baby’s breath
and the loveliest peonies.

Original

In the beginning love unseals this way,
electric, stirring the mind and soul.
A blow to the heart, cyclonic emotion
spirally without restriction.
A blonde haired boy with no fear,
gifting Baby’s Breath and Peonies.
The years generate a new language,
A vintage guitar, warm and authentic,
strumming soft as snowflakes.

Pacing against the unpredictable
When the weight of one another
reveals its magnitude.
They carry the mountains
and struggle with current
to bring the gift of Baby’s Breath
and the loveliest Peonies.

[Heartafire]

Hi True, love unseals itself, electrical. You apparently lack the depth to feel this. Thank you anyway for reading and commenting and will take as much time as possible reviewing the meaning of your remarks. Surely you can appreciate the beauty in a text, even if you don't fully understand each and every verse. Thank you again, I will see if I can clarify this without losing it's message...that you don't get.
Good luck to you too.
Heart

[heslopian]

If you post your poems in serious critique, Heartafire, please expect to receive detailed, thorough criticism. If you can't handle that, please post your work in mild critique.

[Leanne]

What tectak meant to do: (I'm just the messenger)

In the beginning love unseals this way, Revelation coming. I want to understand how love was sealed before it unsealed. The word carries some thoughts; sealed with a kiss, sealed in a pact, sealed together, sealed as one, sealed in love,even....but the next line is almost a fond anticipation of a dire circumstance and does not ring true.
electric, stirring the mind and soul. Is this a good feeling or a bad feeling? You have not carried L1 with you. L2 is just a line coming and going nowhere. "Electric surge shreds mind and soul" sounds more devastating. I may be misreading you....but no! L3 is back on the track!
A blow to the heart, cyclonic emotion
spirally without restriction. As a metaphor for angst this uses strangely meteorological expressions which leave me out in the rain. I have tried to get the sense out of it but there is fog...needs clarification to make the thing work.
A blonde haired boy with no fear,
gifting Baby’s Breath and Peonies. I would like it to be baby's breath not Gypsophila otherwise why capitalise baby. Have I spelt Gypsophila correctly?
The years generate a new language, Whoa! I thought I had this banged to rights but the next line, with a strangely Freudian slip capital A, again implying a metaphor for a living being, throws me. The disconnects are getting too wide to be synaptic. Did you leave and come back to this piece after a hot chocolate and a rub down? I am beginning to feel the need for a testicular transplant from serge. He seems to get off on this level. Nothing wrong with that but for me you need to tighten up the linkages line by line. It is wandering.
A vintage guitar, warm and authentic,
strumming soft as snowflakes. Beautiful but bereft

Pacing against the unpredictable
When the weight of one another
reveals its magnitude.
They carry the mountains
and struggle with current
to bring the gift of Baby’s Breath
and the loveliest Peonies.This is a stanza in distress. Random line capitalisation, strange word use ( pacing(speed) against weight against size),sudden appearence of unknown "they", hod-carrying mountain shifters up to their fetlocks in water and all to bring the bloody baby's breath and some miraculously un-dishevelled Peonies...which, by the way, I already have some of. A blond haired kid brought me some a stanza or two ago
I struggled with this, heart. I have read it repeatedly but can only get a drop of juice out of it no matter how I squeeze. I still don't know if it's a lemon. There are, as always, some wet horny kisses, as serge would fantasise, but not for me....don't even go there
Best,
tectak.

[tectak]

What tectak meant to do: (I'm just the messenger)

In the beginning love unseals this way, Revelation coming. I want to understand how love was sealed before it unsealed. The word carries some thoughts; sealed with a kiss, sealed in a pact, sealed together, sealed as one, sealed in love,even....but the next line is almost a fond anticipation of a dire circumstance and does not ring true.
electric, stirring the mind and soul. Is this a good feeling or a bad feeling? You have not carried L1 with you. L2 is just a line coming and going nowhere. "Electric surge shreds mind and soul" sounds more devastating. I may be misreading you....but no! L3 is back on the track!
A blow to the heart, cyclonic emotion
spirally without restriction. As a metaphor for angst this uses strangely meteorological expressions which leave me out in the rain. I have tried to get the sense out of it but there is fog...needs clarification to make the thing work.
A blonde haired boy with no fear,
gifting Baby’s Breath and Peonies. I would like it to be baby's breath not Gypsophila otherwise why capitalise baby. Have I spelt Gypsophila correctly?
The years generate a new language, Whoa! I thought I had this banged to rights but the next line, with a strangely Freudian slip capital A, again implying a metaphor for a living being, throws me. The disconnects are getting too wide to be synaptic. Did you leave and come back to this piece after a hot chocolate and a rub down? I am beginning to feel the need for a testicular transplant from serge. He seems to get off on this level. Nothing wrong with that but for me you need to tighten up the linkages line by line. It is wandering.
A vintage guitar, warm and authentic,
strumming soft as snowflakes. Beautiful but bereft

Pacing against the unpredictable
When the weight of one another
reveals its magnitude.
They carry the mountains
and struggle with current
to bring the gift of Baby’s Breath
and the loveliest Peonies.This is a stanza in distress. Random line capitalisation, strange word use ( pacing(speed) against weight against size),sudden appearence of unknown "they", hod-carrying mountain shifters up to their fetlocks in water and all to bring the bloody baby's breath and some miraculously un-dishevelled Peonies...which, by the way, I already have some of. A blond haired kid brought me some a stanza or two ago
I struggled with this, heart. I have read it repeatedly but can only get a drop of juice out of it no matter how I squeeze. I still don't know if it's a lemon. There are, as always, some wet horny kisses, as serge would fantasise, but not for me....don't even go there
Best,
tectak.

Phew! Could I have fixed it? Thanks.

[Heartafire]

I have revised this poem, hopefully for the better. Thank you for your
input and suggestions.
My best,
Heart

[milo]

Revised

Love unfolds this way,
electric, charged with emotion
that jolts the heart.
A blonde haired boy
gifting baby’s breath and peony.

I think you could replace the comma after "way" with either a colon or "-". "Charged with emotion" feels a bit twee and really doesn't add anything at all, you just said it was electric, we understand what that means. Because you start with "Love unfolds" and then you have "A blonde haired boy" it reads like /all/ love only occurs with blonde haired boys.

The years generate a new language,
warm and authentic, a vintage guitar
strumming soft as snowflakes
beneath the weight of one another.

"soft as snowflakes" is very cliche. "beneath the weight . . " I don't even get it. Snowflakes don't really weigh much. Also, the simile falls apart as strumming can be soft but can it really be beneath the weight of one another?

Fragile entities crossing mountains,
resisting undercurrents,
bestowing baby’s breath
and the loveliest peonies.

This last stanza seems entirely unrelated. What happened to the guitar and the blonde boy. Now there are mountains and "undercurrents"(??!!). Also, why are these peonies better than the ones in S1

Thanks for posting, good luck with it.


Original

In the beginning love unseals this way,
electric, stirring the mind and soul.
A blow to the heart, cyclonic emotion
spirally without restriction.
A blonde haired boy with no fear,
gifting Baby’s Breath and Peonies.
The years generate a new language,
A vintage guitar, warm and authentic,
strumming soft as snowflakes.

Pacing against the unpredictable
When the weight of one another
reveals its magnitude.
They carry the mountains
and struggle with current
to bring the gift of Baby’s Breath
and the loveliest Peonies.
[/quote]

[Heartafire]

Revised

Love unfolds this way,
electric, charged with emotion
that jolts the heart.
A blonde haired boy
gifting baby’s breath and peony.

I think you could replace the comma after "way" with either a colon or "-". "Charged with emotion" feels a bit twee and really doesn't add anything at all, you just said it was electric, we understand what that means. Because you start with "Love unfolds" and then you have "A blonde haired boy" it reads like /all/ love only occurs with blonde haired boys.

The years generate a new language,
warm and authentic, a vintage guitar
strumming soft as snowflakes
beneath the weight of one another.

"soft as snowflakes" is very cliche. "beneath the weight . . " I don't even get it. Snowflakes don't really weigh much. Also, the simile falls apart as strumming can be soft but can it really be beneath the weight of one another?

Fragile entities crossing mountains,
resisting undercurrents,
bestowing baby’s breath
and the loveliest peonies.

This last stanza seems entirely unrelated. What happened to the guitar and the blonde boy. Now there are mountains and "undercurrents"(??!!). Also, why are these peonies better than the ones in S1

Thanks for posting, good luck with it.


Original

In the beginning love unseals this way,
electric, stirring the mind and soul.
A blow to the heart, cyclonic emotion
spirally without restriction.
A blonde haired boy with no fear,
gifting Baby’s Breath and Peonies.
The years generate a new language,
A vintage guitar, warm and authentic,
strumming soft as snowflakes.

Pacing against the unpredictable
When the weight of one another
reveals its magnitude.
They carry the mountains
and struggle with current
to bring the gift of Baby’s Breath
and the loveliest Peonies.

[/quote]

Hi Milo, I think a colon could be used following way in line one. I may remove the comma and opt for that.. I don't know what twee means, but I used "charged with emotion" to emphasis a strong bond,
In this particular piece I am referring to one blonde haired boy, my own. Soft as snowflakes is cliché, I will try to replace that. I might have said burden or something of that nature rather than the term "weight" to describe the impact that these two have upon one another, though I feel "weight" is acceptable. This term has nothing to do the strumming or the guitar. The last stanza refers to the two entities and the challenges overcome to gift understanding.
Thank you for reviewing this and your opinion.
Heart