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Dear forum members, this is my first poem, constructive criticism of all sorts is warmly welcomed. Thank you.
You are probably on your way
I had wishes that longer you would stay
and once again on the grass we could lay
but hey, those are the words I want to say
from the heart I want to state
the meaning of my words please don't underestimate
when you feel down think about me
smile, relax and meditate
from the confusion and low lives of this world
my dear levitate
If it is hard to comprehend I can translate
and until one day we can set it straight,
I can only hope that one day we can meet
I really hope you can relate
My love for you I hope I was able to demonstrate
so to everybody else don't compare me,
I am only human, so don't exaggerate
with prosperity I hope your life you will populate
and the restless soul within,
you will emancipate
take care and the pride inside please
don't let to waste.......
The sentences are sloppy, so are the rhymes.
The rhymes run the thing mad.
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(07-27-2013, 10:13 PM)rowens Wrote: The sentences are sloppy, so are the rhymes.
The rhymes run the thing mad.
Hello and thanks for the feedback,
so any tips you can provide? modifications to the poem? or is it a scrap?
You could try to say more with the subject without being controlled by the end rhymes. Smooth out the sentences, then work on giving rhymes to the lines. Rhymes that feel less forced, and more natural.
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(07-27-2013, 10:20 PM)rowens Wrote: You could try to say more with the subject without being controlled by the end rhymes. Smooth out the sentences, then work on giving rhymes to the lines. Rhymes that feel less forced, and more natural.
Thanks.. I shall work on it and repost it soon, really looking forward to getting more tips from you and everyone else..
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The first stanza is perfect and I wouldn't change it a bit. I don't understand why you want your dear the "Levitate". I agree with rowens the rhymes are kind of forced. But in a weird way they flow somewhat. It seems to me like you just needed any excuse to rhyme. Like rowens said try to find rhymes that feel more natural. The second stanza line 2 seems too long. Stanza 3 line one doesn't have any meaning behind it. You just kind of drifted off after it. Stanza 4 is a little weird because I don't think anyone would judge you by exaggerating. Stanza 5 is nice though. I like the way you rhymed the rhyming there doesn't seem to forced. But the final two lines of the poem take away from it. They seem random. Just some honest feedback from a newb as others have pointed out. Yes I am a newbie when it comes to poetry I understand that. Hope the feedback helps cya!
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(07-28-2013, 03:55 AM)jdguyb Wrote: The first stanza is perfect and I wouldn't change it a bit. I don't understand why you want your dear the "Levitate". I agree with rowens the rhymes are kind of forced. But in a weird way they flow somewhat. It seems to me like you just needed any excuse to rhyme. Like rowens said try to find rhymes that feel more natural. The second stanza line 2 seems too long. Stanza 3 line one doesn't have any meaning behind it. You just kind of drifted off after it. Stanza 4 is a little weird because I don't think anyone would judge you by exaggerating. Stanza 5 is nice though. I like the way you rhymed the rhyming there doesn't seem to forced. But the final two lines of the poem take away from it. They seem random. Just some honest feedback from a newb as others have pointed out. Yes I am a newbie when it comes to poetry I understand that. Hope the feedback helps cya!
Wow thanks for the detailed feedback... everything shall be taken into consideration..
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(07-27-2013, 10:13 PM)rowens Wrote: The sentences are sloppy, so are the rhymes.
The rhymes run the thing mad.
You commented this on a guy with one star, he's clearly extremely new to this and yet all you do is call it sloppy, nothing constructive. That's great feedback
(07-27-2013, 10:22 PM)Ghassan Wrote: (07-27-2013, 10:20 PM)rowens Wrote: You could try to say more with the subject without being controlled by the end rhymes. Smooth out the sentences, then work on giving rhymes to the lines. Rhymes that feel less forced, and more natural.
Thanks.. I shall work on it and repost it soon, really looking forward to getting more tips from you and everyone else..
Here is another great example of someone having to get you to be constructive. Rather than you being constructive from the start.
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(07-27-2013, 10:05 PM)Ghassan Wrote: Dear forum members, this is my first poem, constructive criticism of all sorts is warmly welcomed. Thank you.
You are probably on your way
I had wishes that longer you would stay
and once again on the grass we could lay
but hey, those are the words I want to say
from the heart I want to state
the meaning of my words please don't underestimate
when you feel down think about me
smile, relax and meditate
from the confusion and low lives of this world
my dear levitate
If it is hard to comprehend I can translate
and until one day we can set it straight,
I can only hope that one day we can meet
I really hope you can relate
My love for you I hope I was able to demonstrate
so to everybody else don't compare me,
I am only human, so don't exaggerate
with prosperity I hope your life you will populate
and the restless soul within,
you will emancipate
take care and the pride inside please
don't let to waste.......
Hi, Ghassan, and welcome.
You might want to consider taking each stanza and writing what you want to say without worrying about the rhyme. It would still be a poem and it might be easier to express what's in your heart. Then if you prefer a rhyme you can see if any come to you without changing your meaning, trying not to twist the words too much just to fit the rhyme.
Poetry writing can be fun, good luck with it.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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The rhyming is overwhelming, I make this mistake a lot myself. I wait for another day, and start over with the same meaning involved. You would be surprised what you come up with on a second try. Not everything has to rhyme.
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As everyone else is saying, you are centering this poem around its rhymes. Sentence structure is yoda-like due to your need to rhyme on every line. Something I would try is:
I'm certain you on your way
I wish that you would stay
Wither, on the grass, away
Until the end of days
Rhymes arent as forced and the sentences flow more freely. I'm a novice too bud, no worries, but this stanza follows a certain meter too, I believe. The HARD soft syllable one. =]
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Yes like everyone has said, your need to rhyme controls the poem to much. let what you want to say flow.
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Question: Do you see any problem with these two lines
"I had wishes that longer you would stay"
"I can only hope that one day we can meet"
I am at a loss, did the speaker meet this person or not.
If you remove the forced lines, reversed syntax, contradictory, and/or senseless information, I'm not sure there is much left.
You left to soon,
before it was noon,
I'm deeper than you think,
believe me I don't stink.
So...whenever you're feeling stressed,
just do you best.
Hope to see you sometime,
yes, rhyme does rhyme.
Sorry, but this seems like a computer translation from one language to another that someone haphazardly made some rhymes after the translation was finished. Maybe you should leave the rhyme alone and try writing sentences, or...if you insist on rhyming use a simple form to start, try reading William Blake's "Songs of Innocence and Experience". You can find them several places on the web for free.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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This could use more balance. In stanza (paragraph) two, if you read the first and second lines out loud you'll see what I mean. Try getting the lines close to each other in syllables. Also, inverted sentences awkward to read are. For poetic license understand I do, but use as little as possible you should. Only when the rhyme and syllabic meter require it, should you write this way. For example, "with prosperity I hope your life you will populate" is hard to chew on. It takes reading it a few times to get the meaning, as opposed to a rhyme with I hope you will populate your life with prosperity, which also has a nice alliteration to it.
Concerning the subject matter, romance is one of the most intensely used topics in poetry. It's not wrong to write about it (unless I did, writing about my kind of romance would get me banned instantly, but I digress), but cliches have to be avoided. Recognizing the cliches requires reading through romance poetry, which is only a Google search away. From this poem, I see a meaning of a man asking a lady out on a date, and fumbling with his words.
That said, I did enjoy your poem, and I hope to read more poetry from you. Thanks!
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
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I recommend not using so many pronouns and replace some lines with impersonal sentences. To me it sounds really overloaded with "I", "you", "we" and "my". Impersonal sentences can solve this problem and moreover decorate your poem with different phrases
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