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a raunchy, sordid sense of humor
a piercing laugh heard for a mile
a scar from a childhood rumor
a crooked smile
a too tight bear hug
a different style
a large kissing bug
a need to protect
a prescription drug
my love, a side effect
perfectly imperfect
This seems like something nice to give to someone. It feels like a one shot poem that survives on its own, quick. As it is, the impression doesn't last long. But it's not bad.
Posts: 70
Threads: 19
Joined: Jul 2013
I have no idea where your going with this one. Nothing makes sense here. How is a laugh a scar from a childhood rumor? This makes no sense. The whole thing seems random
Posts: 70
Threads: 23
Joined: Jul 2013
(08-01-2013, 01:22 AM)jdguyb Wrote: I have no idea where your going with this one. Nothing makes sense here. How is a laugh a scar from a childhood rumor? This makes no sense. The whole thing seems random
Forgive me for confusing you. When I first wrote this poem the lines were as follows:
you are a raunchy, sordid sense of humor
you are a piercing laugh heard for a mile
you are a scar from a childhood rumor
you are a crooked smile
etc...
then at the end:
my love, you are a side effect
perfectly imperfect
but I decided to take out all of the "you are"s because it became way too repetitive, so now it's the title. Does this clear up your confusion?
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very "10 things i hate about you"
I'll be there in a minute.
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(07-31-2013, 10:45 PM)TheWall0912 Wrote: a raunchy, sordid sense of humor
a piercing laugh heard for a mile
a scar from a childhood rumor
a crooked smile
a too tight bear hug
a different style
a large kissing bug
a need to protect
a prescription drug
my love, a side effect
perfectly imperfect
Hi,
I'm normally not much for list like poems, but I think this one's got something. You have some good lines, my favorites being the two ending lines and L3. L6 felt a bit out of place, I felt it didn't add much. Perhaps you could word it to give the reader something a little more specific. JMHO of course.
-LB
whatispoetry?
Unregistered
I'm not one for "list poems" either but this one has potential. My biggest beef, however, is with the last stanza. The last line is a big cliche and it damages the rest of the poem. Other than that there are some good lines, like the first and L3. I have trouble connecting with the poem however. I feel it might be too abstract, meaning there are a lot of nice words but nothing to really hold on to. I hope I don't sound too harsh because I do like this poem, but I feel it can be more.
