Bird (edit 2)

[makeshift]

Edit 2

Passing

Somber sparrow,
still on the cross walk,
like hollow drift wood,
swept ashore by night's tide.

I realize you.

Frayed feathers, ant drowned eyes, and
the subdued pulse
of your struggling chest.
I realize you,

if only for a moment.

On the fly,
the street light glows white
we pass.



Edit 1

Passing

somber sparrow,
lying limp on the cross walk,
like hollow drift wood,
gently swept to shore by night's tide.

I realize you.

Your wispy feathers
caught in the corner of my eye.
A rolling car disturbs the air,
dawn's dim sun struggles its way through pale clouds, and

I realize you,

if only for a moment.
A dull moment as I span the white striped street, and
the distance between us
swiftly subsides.

Soon,
we will pass.

Alright, this is more of a complete rewrite then an edit I guess, but I didn't think the first one was salvageable. I tried to write this one a bit more like how I would write prose as I thought it would result in something with more substance. I'm happy with most of the imagery but am a bit concerned with the rhythm as its fairly free form atm, also I fear my word usage may not be as economical as it could be. I think I've lost the simplicity of the original. I doubt this will be the finale version :3 but for now I happy with it. Appreciate all feedback.

Original


There was no mourning
for the bird this morning;
Laying limp on the cross walk.

I simply passed him by.
Didn't bother with goodbye,
was in a hurry
on the fly;

as always.

[TheWall0912]

There was no mourning
for the bird this morning; Nice play on words with mourning and morning
Laying limp on the cross walk.

I simply passed him by.
Didn't bother with goodbye, If it was up to me I might get rid of this line and just continue with the next two, I'm just not sure it adds much to the poem, but that's just me.
was in a hurry
on the fly;

as always.

I really enjoy the simplicity of this poem. Passing birds who've died on the street, or sidewalk, or where ever is such a common thing to happen to someone and yet, no one stops to think about it. I really like that you brought up something this simple and common and wrote about it. I can easily see myself thinking of this poem the next time I see a deceased bird.

Thanks for the read.

[Bunx]

There was no mourning
for the bird this morning;good contrast in the word playing
Laying limp on the cross walk.

I simply passed him by.
Didn't bother with goodbye,
was in a hurry
on the fly;

as always.like this line because you directly relate yourself with the subject of this poem, the bird

I like this poem. Not only does it highlight how our deaths are as simple as a birds. It also highlights how insignificant death can be to us even though all of us wish we could fly like the birds.
anyways thanks for the poem

[Green Ink]

nice and simple.

[milo]

nice and simple.

true, but this is a critical forum, try to be more specific in your comments, drawing from the writing itself.

[makeshift]

Thnx for reading and commenting everyone, im glad some people enjoyed this.

If it was up to me I might get rid of this line and just continue with the next two, I'm just not sure it adds much to the poem, but that's just me.

That was my least favorite line in the poem, I think ill probably edit it out. (:

[newsclippings]

There was no mourning
for the bird this morning; this semi colon isn't necessary
Laying limp on the cross walk. does Laying need to be capitalized?

I simply passed him by. comma?
Didn't bother with goodbye,
was in a hurry this line is unnecessary
on the fly;so is this one

as always. and this one

if you're going with a short poem, it's important to have some potency and not regurgitation.

with that said, thanks for the read. the first stanza is decent.

[makeshift]

Alright, I was thinking I wanted harsher criticism and then I read your comment and it hurts > . <
but helps too, so thnx.

The punctuation corrections I understand and will correct. The last three lines I thought served a purpose, I mean I had a purpose in mind while writing them. I dont understand why you find them unnecessary.

"Was in a hurry" I will admit this line feels a bit redundant, given the line before it, however, assuming I void the previous line, would you still consider it unnecessary? In writing it I had hoped to give reason for why the narrator passes by the bird. I thought that if I pointed out that the narrator was rushing, after illustrating the dead bird, that his rushing would seem futile or trivial and that he would be better off taking his time. I also thought that giving him a reason for passing the bird voids the potential for a lot of vagueness that could potentially distract from the goal of my poem.

"on the fly" This line I thought would relate the narrator back to the bird and therefor put on emphasis on his own mortality and ultimately the reader would think of their life.

"as always" The ending line was meant to be a bit ironic as the narrator is thinking that he will at all times be on the fly but of course he is just as mortal as the bird. At the same time I wanted to emphasize the permanents of the death. Idk I just felt "always" felt a bit poignant as an ending, maybe I was misguided.

I guess in short I wanted to say, slow down, enjoy life while you can, because like all things you only have so much time to do so. I thought the last last three lines contributed to achieving this message.

Not trying to be defensive here, though I probably am (you did call poem regurgitation after all T_T) but really I am feeling a bit confused. I hope you read this because I do think i'd benefit from a reply...

[billy]

hi makeshift

for such a short poem there are too many forced end lines.
mourning/morning destroyed the poem and by/goodbye blue up what was left of it. what i did like about it was the originality.

There was no mourning
for the bird this morning; the two mo/urnings feel forced, too clever by half, suggestion would be to drop [this morning]
Laying limp on the cross walk.

I simply passed him by.
Didn't bother with goodbye, again the two by/e rhymes don't serve a purpose, a suggestion would be to cut this line
was in a hurry
on the fly; this is the cleverest line of the poem and works on more than one level

as always. this line is the worst line you have

---

wait for a few people to give feedback before explaining you're intent. that way it's more fun for the reader

[ChristopherSea]

What kind of bird? Give it focus and significance or at least a previous life with color and variety, like a goldfinch or cardinal. This poem would generate more interest if you actually envied the peace and stillness captured in its death and contrast it with your hurried life. Think about it. The rhyme choices add little with mourning/morning and by/goodbye.


This would be another version that would say more:

Flight

So much on the wing this morning
that I nearly tread on a goldfinch,
limp upon the crosswalk,
most likely at peace now,
just like grandma.

[newsclippings]

There was no mourning
for the bird this morning;
Laying limp on the cross walk.

I simply passed him by. ** You left the bird there
Didn't bother with goodbye, ** You left and didn't say bye
was in a hurry ** you were in a hurry because you were leaving
on the fly; ** you are leaving quickly

as always. **You are always leaving this way.

You basically could have said any of these four lines after "Laying limp on the cross walk"

Since you are using so few words, it's important to actually say something.

---

It's also important that when you are posting content here to disband yourself from your work immediately. There's no room for emotions in critique, that's what my art teachers always told me.
You're putting it up here to be critiqued, not praised.
---

In any event, like art school, pig pen will rip into your arsehole you if you take everything personally. We are critiquing the work, not you, doll.

[makeshift]

Thnx for the feedback everyone. I think I'm going to rewrite this one completely and maybe Ill have something more worthwhile. I can see the redundancy of the second stanza, and how the rhymes feel forced, so I will work on these things.

You basically could have...

Thick skin right, I actually am in art school so I am used to being critiqued, though I will say painting does come a lot easier to me then wirtting.

My arsehole has not been ripped yet > .

[newsclippings]

Yes. Spite will get you far.

[makeshift]

Yes. Spite will get you far.

I cant tell if your being sarcastic or not, im inclined to think you are, but honestly I have no hard feelings. Your putting forth effort to help me and I appreciate it. No h8 (:

[milo]

Yes. Spite will get you far.

I cant tell if your being sarcastic or not, im inclined to think you are, but honestly I have no hard feelings. Your putting forth effort to help me and I appreciate it. No h8 (:

It is tough to ever be mad at a plate of blueberry muffins.

[billy]

it's all about the poem folks/mod; no more off topic comments please.

[tectak]

There was no mourning
for the bird this morning;
Laying limp on the cross walk.

I simply passed him by.
Didn't bother with goodbye,
was in a hurry
on the fly;

as always.

Most has been said so repeating will not help. You will always have a problem with these little gestalt poems...everyone does, particularly the readers. What makes the poem worth the effort? Well, there is so little induced thinking in the piece you can only hope that the whole is made perfect by the precision and technique. OK. Let's start with that in mind but not forget that this "story" is about a dead bird, hit by a car on a crossing, that you walked by.
Sorry, but morning/mourning is so hackneyed that it is probably the very top of every poet's "Avoid List". It's not as if it inspires any of the "induced thinking" mentioned earlier, but more that it is just used because you realised one morning that it sounded like mourning and you had a poem.
So...where to go? I mentioned gestalts. Could you restructure this to complete a triple-layered process...you almost have it already.
1 observation of dead bird.
2 consideration of the emotional angst of small but pitiful death.
3 Resolution of sadness by rationalistion.


Use these three "compartments" to contain each section of your poem. You do not, and should not, need to stick in cliched old devices like morning/mourning to make this work.As billy pointed out, you ruined the poem with the couplet. Think NEW.
Best,
tectak

[makeshift]

I've edited the op with everyone's feedback in mind. (:

@tectak thanks for the in-depth feedback really appreciate it. I tried to follow most of it with the rewritten version though probably fell a bit short with the gestalt business.

[ChristopherSea]

I've edited the op with everyone's feedback in mind. (:

@tectak thanks for the in-depth feedback really appreciate it. I tried to follow most of it with the rewritten version though probably fell a bit short with the gestalt business.

Nice edit, but correct the typos and some grammer:

Passing

A somber sparrow,
lies limp on the cross walk,
like hollow drift wood
gently swept to shore by night's tide.

I acknowledge you.

Your wispy feathers
caught the corner of my eye.
A rolling car disturbs the air,
dawn's dim sun struggles its way through pale clouds, and

I acknowledge you,
if only for a moment.

A dull moment, as I span the white striped street
and the distance between us
swiftly subsides.

Soon,
we will pass.

[makeshift]

Nice edit, but correct the typos and some grammer:

Thnx for reading/critiquing.

Most of the critique made sense and i'll certainly fix the errors however
I have two questions,

If I were to change the first line to "A somber sparrow" as you suggested would it still be evident that I was referring to the sparrow in the line "I realize you"? As it stands it feels like the narrator is speaking to the bird but i'm not sure if that would be as clear if I put an "a" before "somber sparrow" also, I thought "realize" was correct but maybe "acknowledge" makes more sense, I guess that isn't really a question more of a concern. I think on that ill try to get a second opinion. that. Thnx again