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Letting go of the ropes that remain,
Is easier than holding on to pain.
The truth that seeps into the brain,
has never made me feel so insane.
Weeping and bellowing with the sound of the night,
Hoping, within,the angels would fight.
Cheering on the halo'd creatures,
To win out of this depressive sight.
Free me off the demons within my soul,
That thrive on my crashing goals.
Hidden beneath the piles of sorrow,
Will someone pull me up,
Give me a hand to borrow?
For all those time spent,
Seeking to fix these dents.
No who, no what, no where,
Could mend, me, a person with so much wear.
Only I can decide,
the result of this page of my life.
Happy will I be?
In time I shall see.
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You shouldn't feel the need to make everything rhyme. No less, the end of every line. This whole thing is kitsch. Your other poem was much better.
I'll be there in a minute.
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(08-08-2013, 05:24 PM)newsclippings Wrote: You shouldn't feel the need to make everything rhyme. No less, the end of every line. This whole thing is kitsch. Your other poem was much better.
I understand what you're saying and I haven't really made any poem that hasn't rhymed before. I guess I enjoy trying to make things fit in a more obvious way. I would like to try a different way of writing another time. Thanks for the input though. However, how did this one lack compared to the other poem I posted? Just for a better understanding why this one is worse than the other, or not enjoyable in general. Thank you
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Most believe that placing rhymes at the end of some random thoughts makes it poetry. More often it creates a collission effect for the reader and almost a ringing in the ears. Additionally, the entire line becomes contrived to conform to the terminal word that was picked for the sole purpose of ringing with the one above. Write down your feelings, the images they bring to mind and try to incoroporate some metaphor or at least an interesting viewpoint or unique take on it. Then ask youself, would these lines benefit from added structure, meter or rhyme scheme?
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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The thing I noticed the most were the rhymes. They don't seem to follow any particular scheme, which I think wouldn't bother me, if only the rhymes were less forced. Which also detracts from the poem and the meaning, making the read-throughs less pleasant. IMHO. I don't mean to sound harsh.
Best,
LB
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(08-08-2013, 05:32 PM)Zabrina Wrote: (08-08-2013, 05:24 PM)newsclippings Wrote: You shouldn't feel the need to make everything rhyme. No less, the end of every line. This whole thing is kitsch. Your other poem was much better.
I understand what you're saying and I haven't really made any poem that hasn't rhymed before. I guess I enjoy trying to make things fit in a more obvious way. I would like to try a different way of writing another time. Thanks for the input though. However, how did this one lack compared to the other poem I posted? Just for a better understanding why this one is worse than the other, or not enjoyable in general. Thank you
The other poem, I believe named Afterlife, had a lot more character, and like Rowens said, intelligence.
I was harsh, yes, but if you learn anything on this site, it's that we value originality. :]
I'll be there in a minute.
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(08-09-2013, 10:07 AM)newsclippings Wrote: (08-08-2013, 05:32 PM)Zabrina Wrote: (08-08-2013, 05:24 PM)newsclippings Wrote: You shouldn't feel the need to make everything rhyme. No less, the end of every line. This whole thing is kitsch. Your other poem was much better.
I understand what you're saying and I haven't really made any poem that hasn't rhymed before. I guess I enjoy trying to make things fit in a more obvious way. I would like to try a different way of writing another time. Thanks for the input though. However, how did this one lack compared to the other poem I posted? Just for a better understanding why this one is worse than the other, or not enjoyable in general. Thank you
The other poem, I believe named Afterlife, had a lot more character, and like Rowens said, intelligence.
I was harsh, yes, but if you learn anything on this site, it's that we value originality. :]
No I understand. I don't mind the fact that you were harsh. Leaving poetry here in the open, makes it open for criticism which I am fine with. I do want to improve after all. Thank you though for the feedback everyone.
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