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I only recently came to the realization that God or gods don't exist. This is a sonnet about my rise to atheism. It's called "Freedom".
Believing in a Prince of perfect Peace,
the Son of He who reigns from lofty heights,
I lived a life where faith and reason'd fight
but deemed that when I die I'd not decease.
The fear of raising questions was released
as science brought me closer to the light.
A whole new world within my wondrous sights
at last is free - my mind is now unleashed!
The non-existent evidence is loud
enough alone, and history is full
of gaps in knowledge wrongly filled by gods.
The "prince of peace" would not permit the clouds
of Dachau! If he's real he's rather cruel -
to such a tyrant I would never bow!
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[I purposefully capitalized "Son", "He", and "Prince" at the beginning and left them lowercase after the volta. It's all symbolic and stuff.]
I hate how the last line has an inverted sentence structure, and would love help reforming it.
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
Posts: 43
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Joined: Jan 2014
(01-17-2014, 01:37 AM)ThePinsir Wrote: I only recently came to the realization that God or gods don't exist. This is a sonnet about my rise to atheism. It's called "Freedom".
Believing in a Prince of perfect Peace,
the Son of He who reigns from lofty heights,
I lived a life where faith and reason'd fight
but deemed that when I die I'd not decease.
The fear of raising questions was released
as science brought me closer to the light.
A whole new world within my wondrous sights
at last is free - my mind is now unleashed!
The non-existent evidence is loud
enough alone, and history is full
of gaps in knowledge wrongly filled by gods.
The "prince of peace" would not permit the clouds
of Dachau! If he's real he's rather cruel -
to such a tyrant I would never bow!
--------
[I purposefully capitalized "Son", "He", and "Prince" at the beginning and left them lowercase after the volta. It's all symbolic and stuff.]
I hate how the last line has an inverted sentence structure, and would love help reforming it.
While I cant say I share your feelings here are my thoughts on the piece itself.
The first half rhymes pretty well and I like the abba rhyme structure you chose, but I cant help but notice the rhyme sort of falls apart after line 9. If I am correct then according to the structure lines 10 and 11 should rhyme.
I dont see a problem with the last line but if you wanted to change it you could try one of these (same amount of syllables for you)
I'd rather not serve a ruthless tyrant
A tyrant like this shall not see me bow
Posts: 71
Threads: 8
Joined: Oct 2013
(01-17-2014, 02:23 AM)Blake Wrote: (01-17-2014, 01:37 AM)ThePinsir Wrote: I only recently came to the realization that God or gods don't exist. This is a sonnet about my rise to atheism. It's called "Freedom".
Believing in a Prince of perfect Peace,
the Son of He who reigns from lofty heights,
I lived a life where faith and reason'd fight
but deemed that when I die I'd not decease.
The fear of raising questions was released
as science brought me closer to the light.
A whole new world within my wondrous sights
at last is free - my mind is now unleashed!
The non-existent evidence is loud
enough alone, and history is full
of gaps in knowledge wrongly filled by gods.
The "prince of peace" would not permit the clouds
of Dachau! If he's real he's rather cruel -
to such a tyrant I would never bow!
--------
[I purposefully capitalized "Son", "He", and "Prince" at the beginning and left them lowercase after the volta. It's all symbolic and stuff.]
I hate how the last line has an inverted sentence structure, and would love help reforming it.
While I cant say I share your feelings here are my thoughts on the piece itself.
The first half rhymes pretty well and I like the abba rhyme structure you chose, but I cant help but notice the rhyme sort of falls apart after line 9. If I am correct then according to the structure lines 10 and 11 should rhyme.
I dont see a problem with the last line but if you wanted to change it you could try one of these (same amount of syllables for you)
I'd rather not serve a ruthless tyrant
A tyrant like this shall not see me bow
It's a sonnet; the rhyme scheme is supposed to change at line 9. After that, the rules are pretty lax. Thanks for the suggestions, though!
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
to such a tyrant never will I bow.
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Actually in a "Petrarchan" sonnet, which is what this most resembles, the rhyme scheme is abba,abba,cde,cde. In the traditional Elizabethan (Shakespearean) sonnet the pattern is abab,abab,abab,cc. There is also the "Spenserian" sonnet, but this is nothing like one of those, however, those are probably the top three most used forms, with the Elizabethan far outstripping the others.
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A bit of flaw in your logic (although I am all for free thinking). Religion and God/gods are not the same thing, and it is religion that creates the bonds of dogma. I think you will also find the same type of constriction in science, ones that can be just as closed minded as those imposed by religion. I have seen many a scientist get as red in the face and as frothy at the mouth as it religious brethren. Always enjoyable.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
I do not really know as much as some others replying considering I'm quite knew to poetry and this is my first reply, but i really did think that was lovely. Much better then I can write. In all honesty I could really relate to the meaning (at least I'm hoping i understood it as it was intended haha).
