Some thing in the ground
Her poor body found
Woke up and wanted to be
A thing in the ground
Without hardly a sound
That could crawl away to me
Out of the mound
And no longer bound
The thing is finally free
It sniffed around
Like an old bloodhound
And found its way to me.
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
I am confused about what you mean, the rhymes are forced and the lines feel disconnected. Her (who?) body is the poor thing that woke up and wanted to stay in the ground yet crawl away from there? I am indeed confused, but that might just be me. I've never heard 'without hardly a sound' before. Doesn't work for me, I'm afraid. Maybe just 'without a sound'.
JMHO.
Best,
LB
Posts: 845
Threads: 57
Joined: Aug 2013
I got it LB, Her poor body found Some thing in the ground and the thing Woke up and wanted to be A thing in the ground Without hardly a sound... Ahhh, never mind! Look, someone from Hackerwood took an ax to this or you are putting us on. If you are serious, throw out those bad rhymes, write out your story and assemble it and shape the lines into poetry.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
