Homesick

[jdvanwijk]

Variation (3 lines, would this be considered a senryu?)

Afraid to go home:
back from work or war,
we slip, trip and fall.


Edit 1 (thanks justcloudy!)

I'm afraid to go home:
when we get back
from work or war,
we slip, trip and fall.


Original:

I'm afraid to go home:
it's when we get back
from work or war
that we slip, trip and fall.

[justcloudy]

I know next to nothing about Haikus, but this seems a little wordy to me. If you get rid of "it's" and "that" it would be stronger. Maybe the "and" in the last line too?

That being said, I love the thought, the image. It's the truth too.

[jdvanwijk]

Thanks for your comment! This wasn't intended as a haiku, more as a free-form short poem. I agree with your first two edits though; the 'and' I'm not sure about yet, without it, the poem feels a bit too terse for me.

I know next to nothing about Haikus, but this seems a little wordy to me. If you get rid of "it's" and "that" it would be stronger. Maybe the "and" in the last line too?

That being said, I love the thought, the image. It's the truth too.