The Unknown

[Malu]

Before my Own Birth
You had already been Gone
One day We shall meet

[cidermaid]

Hi Malu,
Great to see you haveing a go at something different. This is an interesting change in direction from your previous posts and I think you have made a good start here.

As a senyru i think it works well enough but you could tighten it up a bit more still.
I think you could loose own from line one and been from line two and further contract line 3. by using we'll instead of we shall.
When writing for this form try and pack each line with a strong image rather than just a flat statment. Paint a picture with your words.

Perhaps you might like to think about trying more of this form as a means to improve your images. This format is very helpfull for focusing as much image and information into an economy of words. Reading some of the examples might inspire you to try a few more. There is also a thread full of this format in the fun section. Check out the Haiku cho-cho and maybe have a go at joining in.

All the best AJ

Ps well done at having a go at the feedback - much improved. keep at it, it will get easier i promise.

[Malu]

Hi Malu,
Great to see you haveing a go at something different. This is an interesting change in direction from your previous posts and I think you have made a good start here.

As a senyru i think it works well enough but you could tighten it up a bit more still.
I think you could loose own from line one and been from line two and further contract line 3. by using we'll instead of we shall.
When writing for this form try and pack each line with a strong image rather than just a flat statment. Paint a picture with your words.

Perhaps you might like to think about trying more of this form as a means to improve your images. This format is very helpfull for focusing as much image and information into an economy of words. Reading some of the examples might inspire you to try a few more. There is also a thread full of this format in the fun section. Check out the Haiku cho-cho and maybe have a go at joining in.

All the best AJ

Ps well done at having a go at the feedback - much improved. keep at it, it will get easier i promise.

Ok, thanks for the help!