Nothing Special

[Iowa]

Steel spikes piercing clouds
Imprisoned with visions of pure freedom
Living, yet confined, in the heavens
Flight
Living, yet brief, brought to earth
Released to dark crowded pavement
Concrete grids disrupting graves

Thank you.

[milo]

Steel spikes piercing clouds
Imprisoned with visions of pure freedom
Living, yet confined, in the heavens
Flight
Living, yet brief, brought to earth
Released to dark crowded pavement
Concrete grids disrupting graves

Thank you.

so . . . the spikes are living, yet confined?

[Iowa]

Thank you for your feedback. I believe I see your point. By leading with "Steel spikes," I may confuse the audience into thinking the "Steel spikes" are the subject throughout.

The subject is an individual, rather than steel spikes, making it probable/possible that they are living and confined.

[milo]

Thank you for your feedback. I believe I see your point. By leading with "Steel spikes," I may confuse the audience into thinking the "Steel spikes" are the subject throughout.

The subject is an individual, rather than steel spikes, making it probable/possible that they are living and confined.

ok, so a person is imprisoned in the clouds by these steel spikes?

Also, what is the difference between a vision of "pure" freedom and a vision of impure freedom?

[Iowa]

There is a building.
There is man inside the building, looking out the window.
He feels confined within the building.
He jumps from the building.
The man is still alive while falling from the building.
The man hits the pavement and dies.
He can no longer feel confinement, because he is dead.

Surprisingly, I like this 100% better than what I initially posted. Thank you!

[milo]

There is a building.
There is man inside the building, looking out the window.
He feels confined within the building.
He jumps from the building.
The man is still alive while falling from the building.
The man hits the pavement and dies.
He can no longer feel confinement, because he is dead.

Surprisingly, I like this 100% better than what I initially posted. Thank you!

I think you are making progress.
Ok, a man is feeling confined inside a building. Instead of telling me that, show me what he sees and thinks so that I can feel confined as well or empathize with him.