DEFEATED

[Spikerider]

I must just give up
My hands thrown up
I look into the sky
asking why?

Every time I cry
No matter what I do
No matter what I try
A bad end is what's due

It is never enough
Life is so rough
Way too Tough
I think it's all just guff

Even though life is a must
What's a guy to do
When all he touches turns
to dang ole dust?

Poor ole me all I have
to show for a lifetime long
is the sweet success of failure.

[heslopian]

I must just give up Maybe I'm wrong, but this line feels like it should be saying "might" instead of "must".
My hands thrown up
I look into the sky
asking why?

Every time I cry
No matter what I do
No matter what I try
A bad end is what's due

It is never enough
Life is so rough
Way too Tough Why is "tough" capitalised?
I think it's all just guff

Even though life is a must
What's a guy to do
When all he touches turns
to dang ole dust?

Poor ole me all I have
to show for a lifetime long
is the sweet success of failure. This line doesn't really make sense. I can see that you're trying to find a unique way of saying something, which is great, but clarity is important. If the success is "sweet", then the sting of "failure" is diluted.

Your rhymes sometimes create a nice rhythm. I'd recommend adding imagery and other poetic devices, like metaphor and simile, to this poem, if you really want to convey that sense of defeat in a profound, lasting way. Critique is JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read

[tectak]

I must just give up
My hands thrown up
I look into the sky
asking why?

Every time I cry
No matter what I do
No matter what I try
A bad end is what's due

It is never enough
Life is so rough
Way too Tough
I think it's all just guff

Even though life is a must
What's a guy to do
When all he touches turns
to dang ole dust?

Poor ole me all I have
to show for a lifetime long
is the sweet success of failure.

This crit commissoned by the author of the piece...let this be a warning

Hi spike,
As this is mild crit I will begin thus.
I may be wrong but...
Well, to be humane and not to add to the character's angst, this is terminally flawed and should be put down.
Loook at your rhyme scheme. I mean LOOK at it. Stanza 1 AABB.
Now S2.ABAB
Now S3.AAAA
Now S4 ABCD (also known as O I C U in text-speak or oops I cocked up in this forum)
Now S5 ABC
If this was a competent piece of work in other areas (it has no meter, it has puerile forced rhymes, it lacks punctuation, it mixes in vernacular without good reason, it suffers from dire syntax, it is full of cliches, the concept is hackneyed, it says nothing new and to all intents appears to be deliberately tongue-in-cheek but without the veneer of skill to carry the deception off) then one could believe that the random rhyme scheme was intentionally thought provoking. I think not. Tell me I am wrong. I am listening.
Best,
tectak

[Spikerider]

I agree i do poorly with that, i tried in vein. I will tweek & repost in a few days the cliches were intended.

I must just give up
My hands thrown up
I look into the sky
asking why?

Every time I cry
No matter what I do
No matter what I try
A bad end is what's due

It is never enough
Life is so rough
Way too Tough
I think it's all just guff

Even though life is a must
What's a guy to do
When all he touches turns
to dang ole dust?

Poor ole me all I have
to show for a lifetime long
is the sweet success of failure.

This crit commissoned by the author of the piece...let this be a warning

Hi spike,
As this is mild crit I will begin thus.
I may be wrong but...
Well, to be humane and not to add to the character's angst, this is terminally flawed and should be put down.
Loook at your rhyme scheme. I mean LOOK at it. Stanza 1 AABB.
Now S2.ABAB
Now S3.AAAA
Now S4 ABCD (also known as O I C U in text-speak or oops I cocked up in this forum)
Now S5 ABC
If this was a competent piece of work in other areas (it has no meter, it has puerile forced rhymes, it lacks punctuation, it mixes in vernacular without good reason, it suffers from dire syntax, it is full of cliches, the concept is hackneyed, it says nothing new and to all intents appears to be deliberately tongue-in-cheek but without the veneer of skill to carry the deception off) then one could believe that the random rhyme scheme was intentionally thought provoking. I think not. Tell me I am wrong. I am listening.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

I agree i do poorly with that, i tried in vein. I will tweek & repost in a few days the cliches were intended.

Cliches are poem killers. Poems need to be composed in fresh, original language.

[billy]

tecktack has said what's needed to be said i think, and you've got the right attitude as to how you accept feedback :J:
on the cliche remark; in general cliche is a no no, some parody may use it it but then it has to be used skilfully. it has to be extra witty or clever. to simply use cliche because you can isn't reason enough to use it. you're poetry will improve tenfold if you refuse to use cliche.

[ChristopherSea]

The use of rhyme does not benefit the short lines herein. The rhymes seem a bit abrupt and rather forced (e.g. must/just, do/due). Stanza 3 epitomizes how rhyme and cliche don't mix well. Maybe rewrite this with no rhyming first and then perhaps try slant rhymes, like skyline/why, to see if they add anything. Good luck with the revisions.

[tectak]

I agree i do poorly with that, i tried in vein. I will tweek & repost in a few days the cliches were intended.

I must just give up
My hands thrown up
I look into the sky
asking why?

Every time I cry
No matter what I do
No matter what I try
A bad end is what's due

It is never enough
Life is so rough
Way too Tough
I think it's all just guff

Even though life is a must
What's a guy to do
When all he touches turns
to dang ole dust?

Poor ole me all I have
to show for a lifetime long
is the sweet success of failure.

This crit commissoned by the author of the piece...let this be a warning

Hi spike,
As this is mild crit I will begin thus.
I may be wrong but...
Well, to be humane and not to add to the character's angst, this is terminally flawed and should be put down.
Loook at your rhyme scheme. I mean LOOK at it. Stanza 1 AABB.
Now S2.ABAB
Now S3.AAAA
Now S4 ABCD (also known as O I C U in text-speak or oops I cocked up in this forum)
Now S5 ABC
If this was a competent piece of work in other areas (it has no meter, it has puerile forced rhymes, it lacks punctuation, it mixes in vernacular without good reason, it suffers from dire syntax, it is full of cliches, the concept is hackneyed, it says nothing new and to all intents appears to be deliberately tongue-in-cheek but without the veneer of skill to carry the deception off) then one could believe that the random rhyme scheme was intentionally thought provoking. I think not. Tell me I am wrong. I am listening.
Best,
tectak

Fix the basic errors by attending, ALWAYS, to detail...it will not be in VAIN!