Posts: 104
Threads: 14
Joined: Sep 2013
Sweetheart
She needs a hero
To rescue her from herself
I'm not Superman
Is it Over?
As blue turns to red
My eyes slowly start to close
Surrounded by white
Grey Skies
Now up to bat, God
Nothing escapes the clashing
Protected by streaks
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
(09-11-2013, 02:13 AM)Malu Wrote: Sweetheart
She needs a Hero
To rescue her from Herself
I'm not Superman
Is it Over?
As blue turns to red I don't think you need "As".
My eyes slowly start to close I don't think you need "start to".
Surrounded by white
Grey Skies
Now up to bat, God
Nothing escapes the Clashing
Protected by Streaks
Hi Malu,
It might just be me, but I couldn't find any clear reason to why you chose to capitalize some of the words.
I think you could remove a few words in the second one. I've noted which above. You don't necessarily have to stick to 5-7-5 syllables in English haiku/senryu.
I'm not sure I see any seasonal references in these three, so I think they're senryu and not haiku. JMHO.
-LB
Posts: 104
Threads: 14
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(09-11-2013, 02:13 AM)Malu Wrote: Sweetheart
She needs a Hero
To rescue her from Herself
I'm not Superman
Is it Over?
As blue turns to red
My eyes slowly start to close
Surrounded by white
Grey Skies
Now up to bat, God
Nothing escapes the Clashing
Protected by Streaks
no need for caps in the shorts, for me they read more like senryu, i like the idea of the first one. it's like your saying [i'm not interested thanks very much]
Posts: 104
Threads: 14
Joined: Sep 2013
(09-11-2013, 01:15 PM)billy Wrote: (09-11-2013, 02:13 AM)Malu Wrote: Sweetheart
She needs a Hero
To rescue her from Herself
I'm not Superman
Is it Over?
As blue turns to red
My eyes slowly start to close
Surrounded by white
Grey Skies
Now up to bat, God
Nothing escapes the Clashing
Protected by Streaks
no need for caps in the shorts, for me they read more like senryu, i like the idea of the first one. it's like your saying [i'm not interested thanks very much]
Thanks Billy!
Posts: 104
Threads: 14
Joined: Sep 2013
(09-11-2013, 07:19 AM)Volaticus Wrote: (09-11-2013, 02:13 AM)Malu Wrote: Sweetheart
She needs a Hero
To rescue her from Herself
I'm not Superman
Is it Over?
As blue turns to red I don't think you need "As".
My eyes slowly start to close I don't think you need "start to".
Surrounded by white
Grey Skies
Now up to bat, God
Nothing escapes the Clashing
Protected by Streaks
Hi Malu,
It might just be me, but I couldn't find any clear reason to why you chose to capitalize some of the words.
I think you could remove a few words in the second one. I've noted which above. You don't necessarily have to stick to 5-7-5 syllables in English haiku/senryu.
I'm not sure I see any seasonal references in these three, so I think they're senryu and not haiku. JMHO.
-LB
Well, I just consider them haiku because I like to stick to the 5-7-5 syllables, and yeah it's not very traditional in terms evoking images of the natural world, even though the second one is about death, which is natural, and the third one is about me looking out through a window during a thunderstorm, which is also natural. As for the capitalization of some words, I'm not entirely sure, I try do that to create more emphasis, but I see what you mean by how its not necessary
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
the content makes the haiku senryu not the syl count
there's links all over the place as to what each or both are. have read about the form.
Posts: 104
Threads: 14
Joined: Sep 2013
(09-17-2013, 02:38 PM)billy Wrote: the content makes the haiku senryu not the syl count
there's links all over the place as to what each or both are. have read about the form.
ok, thanks again
