Response To Taint(ed) Love (edit #3)

[ellajam]

edit #3


‘Tis love,
its light touch,
its silent electricity
that powers us
when callused feet
cannot walk another step.

‘Tis love,
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection,
its thin tubular tether
siphoning grief,
opening a channel for escape.

‘Tis love,
its two way street,
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye,
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
when energies seem spent.

‘Tis love
that sucks the gloom,
sending in its place
joy.



edit #2




Its love's light touch
its sparking electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds.

That barely perceptible
touch on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing out our spiraling grief
opening a channel for escape.


Love, a thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye,
sending its pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath,
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy.

(I have left only luck because it is opposed to luck and skill combined, and I just can't hear the needle's eye. Once again, I'm not sure if I've improved or slaughtered it.)

edit #1

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis love
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

(cement shoes made me laugh, I'm Brooklyn born)

or, for the less sentimental

tis lust
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis lust
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis lust
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis lust
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy



---------
Original

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when leaden feet
cannot walk another step
tis love
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection
with its thin tubular tether
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

[rowens]

You got two it's in there that don't seem right.

[ellajam]

You got two it's in there that don't seem right.

The 1st two or the 2nd two? 2nd and 4th? Give me a clue so I can try to fix it. Thanks for the read.

I think it's 2nd and 4th that are off. yes?

[rowens]

The two with apostrophes.

[ellajam]

The two with apostrophes.

What apostrophes, grin? Thanks, I believe that might have been the 3rd and 6th its, too many its for one short poem.

[rowens]

I think it's the about to be changing, already subtly changing, seasonal conditions that are making me like a lot of what most would attack for being hackneyed, lately. This tis love business. But I do think it's used in a meritorious way here. It cuts its line nicely. Maybe it does still belong in Novice, but it seems like you're working with far more than a novice touch. There are a lot of its, and its so close to tis; but I can't say that's too bad at the moment. But I might think of someway to say something constructive when I start feeling annoyed with everything as I often do around this time of day.

There are different moods for reading poems. I don't read other people's poems for pleasure very often anymore. But I'm enjoying what I'm seeing here. But it seems more like a rare mood. But but but but, this poem somehow is sustaining that good mood. Hopefully others can see something wrong with it, and give more reasonable advice. Or any advice at all.

[ellajam]

I think it's the about to be changing, already subtly changing, seasonal conditions that are making me like a lot of what most would attack for being hackneyed, lately.

Well, that's quite the backhanded compliment you've got.

This tis love business. But I do think it's used in a meritorious way here. It cuts its line nicely. Maybe it does still belong in Novice, but it seems like you're working with far more than a novice touch. There are a lot of its, and its so close to tis; but I can't say that's too bad at the moment. But I might think of someway to say something constructive when I start feeling annoyed with everything as I often do around this time of day.

I know, tis is goofy, but it came from a vid of Tainted Love, in response to a friend's poem "Taint Love". I might ax it if enough people find it annoying, but for me it reminds me of a place and time. I'm sentimental like that.

There are different moods for reading poems. I don't read other people's poems for pleasure very often anymore. But I'm enjoying what I'm seeing here. But it seems more like a rare mood. But but but but, this poem somehow is sustaining that good mood. Hopefully others can see something wrong with it, and give more reasonable advice. Or any advice at all.

I read only for pleasure, and am happy as a pig in shit to have found this site so rich with poems and insightful comments. While I wouldn't want to wish a grumpier mood on you, if you're ever in one feel to come by and critique this one.

[rowens]

It keeps casting a positive spell.

It sounds good as you have it: needle's eye, instead of a needle's eye. You should keep it that way.
Self-centered could use a hyphen. But maybe not.

[billy]

hi ella

the 1st line is weakened with 'tis, and with love, a suggestion would be to make the 1st line the 3rd, the 3rd line the 1st. a gentle kiss is solid inn your face cliche. lots of words can be used to represent gentle...feathered, pensive, etc. a use of images throughout the poem would lift it up a few levels.

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when leaden feet
cannot walk another step
tis love
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection
with its thin tubular tether
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

[ellajam]

hi ella

the 1st line is weakened with 'tis, and with love, a suggestion would be to make the 1st line the 3rd, the 3rd line the 1st. a gentle kiss is solid inn your face cliche. lots of words can be used to represent gentle...feathered, pensive, etc. a use of images throughout the poem would lift it up a few levels.

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when leaden feet
cannot walk another step
tis love
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection
with its thin tubular tether
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

Thanks, billy, that's an interesting switch, I'm going to try it. Point taken on gentle kiss, even though a gentle kiss on the forehead is a specific feeling like nothing else. I'll poke around and see if something else works.

Leaden feet is pretty cliche too.

I thought the images were there, but maybe that's just in my own mind. I'll see where I can lift it.

[Elsie Fillmore]

You had till me till thin tubular.

[ellajam]

You had till me till thin tubular.

yep, thin tubular tether, Too many Ts, ya Think?

Thanks for bringing it up, sounds fixable.

[ellajam]

hi ella

the 1st line is weakened with 'tis, and with love, a suggestion would be to make the 1st line the 3rd, the 3rd line the 1st. a gentle kiss is solid inn your face cliche. lots of words can be used to represent gentle...feathered, pensive, etc. a use of images throughout the poem would lift it up a few levels.

Questions for you. If "Tis love" is weak at the start, does it stay weak throughout the poem. Is "Tis" an unusable word, in your opinion. I certainly don't speak it, and have never written it before. Do you think love is weak and cliche as a subject, or just the way I've used it here. Must the subject be implied instead of spoken aloud?

Oh, and I tried the switch, still off.

As I am not paying you a cent, you are under no obligation to respond.

Good Morning

[ScurryFunger]

edit #1


love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds

love
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape

love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent

love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place (drum roll please)

joy

(cement shoes made me laugh, I'm Brooklyn born)

or, for the less sentimental

tis lust
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis lust
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis lust
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis lust
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy



---------
Original

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when leaden feet
cannot walk another step
tis love
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection
with its thin tubular tether
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

I wouldn't use the word 'tis' on account of it just being an olden days way of saying its. Just leave it out, just leave it at...

Love

[ellajam]

I'm sure you're right, Scurry, I wrote it in fun playing with tainted, taint and tis, but it's time for it to go. Next edit. Thanks for reading

[billy]

my main problem is the lack of punctuation, without it, it's hard to see where and when some of the pauses should be, i know line ends sort them out as well as a comma but i'm getting caught up more about a comma than the poem in the first 4 lines. tis a shame, tis a poem with a lot of tis's, it has some decent original lines but it's a shame it's not written in the modern idiom. i'm of a min that ztanzas would help in the reading of it. great to see you editing marcella :J:

edit #1


tis love i'd forgo this line completely. and make the next two do the same job instead. you have love in the title. make it work or incorporate the line in the 2nd line [It's love's light touch]
its light touch
its silent electricity whils silent works i'd go for word that has a bit of body. like fuzzy or fizzy, or crackling...which is something electricity does.
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis love tis is an old contraction of it's is, it's is the modern contraction, why not use the modern version seeing as the poem is written in olde schoole english?
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain feels very emo
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street cliche, change it round a little make it a two way avenue or sidewalk or something else
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it no need for only, it's either luck or it isn't
through needle's eye id needle is the name of a person then this is good , [the needle's] reads better
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent this and the line above do nothing for the poem
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

(cement shoes made me laugh, I'm Brooklyn born)

or, for the less sentimental

tis lust
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis lust
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis lust
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis lust
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy



---------
Original

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when leaden feet
cannot walk another step
tis love
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection
with its thin tubular tether
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

[ellajam]

Thanks for your comments, billy, and good suggestions for the opening lines. I've never titled poems until posting them on this site, so never really thought of them as an intro. Something to chew on.
Tis will die its noble death next edit, guess a private joke with myself has no place here.
Plenty to work on. Again, thanks

[billy]

i think it's improving

will have a look later or tomorrow with some feedback

edit #2




Its love's light touch
its sparking electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds.

That barely perceptible
touch on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing out our spiraling grief
opening a channel for escape.


Love, a thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye,
sending its pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath,
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy.

(I have left only luck because it is opposed to luck and skill combined, and I just can't hear the needle's eye. Once again, I'm not sure if I've improved or slaughtered it.)

edit #1

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis love
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

(cement shoes made me laugh, I'm Brooklyn born)

or, for the less sentimental

tis lust
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when cement shoes
have stopped us cold
anchored in the weeds
tis lust
its barely perceptible
kiss on our foreheads
establishing connection
through dilated artery
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis lust
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis lust
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy



---------
Original

tis love
its light touch
its silent electricity
that powers us
when leaden feet
cannot walk another step
tis love
with a gentle kiss
brushing our foreheads
establishing connection
with its thin tubular tether
drawing self centered pain
opening a channel for escape
tis love
its two way street
its thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye
that sends a pulsing energy
timed to heartbeat and breath
allowing life to continue
when energies seem spent
tis love
that sucks the gloom
sending in its place
joy

[rowens]

Love, a thread so fine
only luck has aimed it
through needle's eye,

Is a nice touch. The newest version has more elements of poetry for poetry's sake. It seems more artificial. Art, artificial, whatever. Some people prefer that.

The first version obviously was brimming with many easy targets for critical abuse. But I still think it sounded better, it felt better when I read it, and it had more character and more energy.

It's hard to say what to do with this. The first poem felt more genuine, and sounded better despite the obvious distraction of "tis love" for many people that read so much poetry all the time.

[ellajam]

Thanks, rowens, that's exactly the dilemma I have with editing. It's not easy. I hope with more practice I can learn to tweak it a little without losing it. Thanks for taking the time to read the edit.