Sleepless

[secretkeeper]

I had this posted in Novice poet/critic but I thought I'd see how it held up here (:

Do not wish to Sleep do I
Though nothing very urgent cries
And Heavy has long been my eyes
This silence oft broken by sighs

I do will to walk outside... yet,
No will is summoned to take stride
Instead I sit with time to bide
And wait for the world to rise

[Wjames]

I had this posted in Novice poet/critic but I thought I'd see how it held up here (:

Do not wish to Sleep do I
Though nothing very urgent cries
And Heavy has long been my eyes
This silence oft broken by sighs

I like the flow of the first two lines a lot, but the rhythm is sort of lost for me on the 3rd and 4th. I'd also recommend you don't start each line with a capital letter, and use some punctuation to help create the rhythm. Here's a way I find it flows a bit better (just my opinion of course):

Do not wish to Sleep do I
though nothing very urgent cries,
the heavy hang of tired eyes
is often lifted by a sigh.


I do will to walk outside... yet,
No will is summoned to take stride
Instead I sit with time to bide
And wait for the world to rise

Awkward phrasing a bit here (imo), and no need to repeat will on the second line, perhaps try:

I do have will to walk outside... yet,
none is summoned to take stride
instead I sit with time to bide
awaiting on the world to rise.

I like the poem, good insomniac shit, but I think it could use an edit or two to just improve it's flow. Keep writing, and only worry about how much you like your poems. Also, your earlier thread is already in Mild.

[newsclippings]

I had this posted in Novice poet/critic but I thought I'd see how it held up here (:

Do not wish to Sleep do I
Though nothing very urgent cries
And Heavy has long been my eyes
This silence oft broken by sighs

I do will to walk outside... yet,
No will is summoned to take stride
Instead I sit with time to bide
And wait for the world to rise

I'm trying to figure out the reasoning behind the dispersed use of capital letters. I'm getting nothing. This is a questionably quaint quip. Still, it's nice reading a poem I completely understand every now and then. That's why I love Bukowski. Man's simpler than a batch o' babes at a Playboy party.

You have a bit of cliche running through the first stanza. I would consider revising, with less agony involved. Thanks for the read.