Fallow

[Foxtrot]

We're all masked monsters
masquerading, no doubt to brittle trumpets
or in tune with the canons roaring in our heads
and I pray to god your world starts spinning

The smell of gunpowder stung the corners of my mind
as my eyes scoured the transcending trenches
her canteen is filled with echoes of morphine
and mine was brimmed with wine

The squall was wretched and unforgiving
blowing ashes and snow into my tired eyes
a constant reminded of what I have burned
and what I would become

Our names were frostbitten through winter
along with our fingers, combing through cold
It's safe to assume we were tired of digging
for new beginnings, in the snow

I wandered, I reckon you were frustrated
with my fumbling fingers and weak, stubborn knees
and right now my heart is anchored to my ankles
--there's crescendos in my stomach, crashing me to sleep

The morning came with thunder
I awoke less of a man than I'd like to believe
my eyes were glazed over, and I was much more tolerant
of the smell of gunpowder in these streets

[Todd]

There are a few phrases I like here:

brittle trumpets
echoes of morphine

Issues I had were unneeded asides and redundancy:

masked masquerading for instance
confusing point of view changes (quick pronoun changes)
choppy transitions

Perhaps consider looking at those areas.

Best,

Todd

[Nick]

We're all masked monsters
masquerading, no doubt to brittle trumpets/ Masked makes masquerading unavoidable and makes masquerading (here) redundantly wordy. 'Parading' could work.
or in tune with the canons roaring in our heads/ I think you want 'cannon' here unless you are referring to dogma like raps.
and I pray to god your world starts spinning

The smell of gunpowder stung the corners of my mind
as my eyes scoured the transcending trenches/ Interesting viewpoint.
her canteen is filled with echoes of morphine
and mine was brimmed with wine

The squall was wretched and unforgiving
blowing ashes and snow into my tired eyes/ Second use of 'eyes' diminishes the term's value.
a constant reminded of what I have burned/ "reminded"? Perhaps you intended 'reminder'?
and what I would become

Our names were frostbitten through winter
along with our fingers, combing through cold
It's safe to assume we were tired of digging
for new beginnings, in the snow/ 'Snow' twice. Same comment.

I wandered, I reckon you were frustrated
with my fumbling fingers and weak, stubborn knees
and right now my heart is anchored to my ankles
--there's crescendos in my stomach, crashing me to sleep/ "there's"? Should be 'there're' but I think 'there are' would carry better than the contraction.

The morning came with thunder
I awoke less of a man than I'd like to believe
my eyes were glazed over, and I was much more tolerant/ Third 'eyes' and second 'gunpowder comin' up.
of the smell of gunpowder in these streets

Long piece. Good effort. Not clear on it's intent other than a general rankledness of the narrator.

Thanks,
Nick

[Wjames]

We're all masked monsters
masquerading, no doubt to brittle trumpets
or in tune with the canons roaring in our heads
and I pray to god your world starts spinning

Some decent imagery, but it's a little wordy. You might want to trim it a little, like this:

We're all masked monsters
masquerading to brittle trumpets,
in tune with the canons roaring in our heads
and I pray to god your world starts spinning


The smell of gunpowder stung the corners of my mind
as my eyes scoured the transcending trenches
her canteen is filled with echoes of morphine
and mine was brimmed with wine

Again some solid imagery, but you might want to add some punctuation to give the reader some help with the rhythm.

The squall was wretched and unforgiving
blowing ashes and snow into my tired eyes
a constant reminded of what I have burned
and what I would become

Again, you could add some punctuation to tighten it up, for instance a comma after eyes.

Our names were frostbitten through winter
along with our fingers, combing through cold
It's safe to assume we were tired of digging
for new beginnings, in the snow

This stanza doesn't really do anything for me, I especially dislike "It's safe to assume"

I wandered, I reckon you were frustrated
with my fumbling fingers and weak, stubborn knees
and right now my heart is anchored to my ankles
--there's crescendos in my stomach, crashing me to sleep

I like the last line, but the rest of this stanza doesn't do much for me. You used fingers in the last stanza, I don't know if you should use it again here.

The morning came with thunder
I awoke less of a man than I'd like to believe
my eyes were glazed over, and I was much more tolerant
of the smell of gunpowder in these streets

Good finish, I would change "these" to "the", but that's just personal preference.

Not a bad poem, some lines but it could do with an edit or two to tighten it up.

[FractalPacifist]

My favorite two lines would be these:

her canteen is filled with echoes of morphine
and mine was brimmed with wine

This poem is clearly filled with a lot of emotion, and it has a very strong setting. However, you hop around in both tense and voice. For instance, in the above mentioned lines, it goes from "is filled" to "was brimmed." You also mention a "her" and then a "you," and I'm led to believe by the context that they are the same person. Am I on the right track here?

If you want to jump tenses to make a point, try tightening up the tense in the beginning so that we feel attached to it. Then if you want to suddenly start talking to the "you," it will feel jarring, like we suddenly hopped into the speaker's mind. Otherwise, one solid voice through the entire piece will help maintain your stream of thought.

Just a suggestion, might not be the direction you're going for.

[bena]

I agree with fractile completely, the tense changes are very confusing. For example, S1 is in the present, S2 jumps to the past. Not sure if you are trying to head hop (steam punk) or if it just went unnoticed (I do this all the time) but it's best to keep the tense consistent throughout.


The morphine canteen line is a precious gem as others have said, but S4 for some reason captures me in a way that is fantastic. It feels deep, and I dig it.

I really, really want punctuation--I know you've heard it before but it truly helps us out as readers. And when you do use it, do it correctly---for example S5 L1 ---one of the few places you used a comma, it is a comma splice. Needs to be a period, a semi-colon, a dash, your choice. Just remember, if both phrases make a complete sentence with subject and verb, you can't put a comma there.

Sorry to preach, I'm considered the grammar police.


Overall---this has some wonderful imagery, and extremely FRESH feel to it; words that I wouldn't have considered to put together, but they work! It's extremely thought-provoking and that's what I love about good poetry. I hope you don't take what I've given as a crit the wrong way---I think this is superb and that's why I was kinda tough on you. I only do in-depth crits on poem that show fantastic potential...which this does.

I adore the title. A title should grab a reader and yet sum up the context of the poem, and yours is perfect. It's kinda funny, the word fallow came up in a pm the other day, and I hadn't heard it in years...

rambling now, forgive me.

This is good stuff. Keep working on it, and it will be outstanding stuff.


bena.