Byway From Memphis
#1
BYWAY FROM MEMPHIS

Flat noise and light
cast, down that black pavement
tacked on dusty cotton
paths, plains of the Delta.

Seven weeks south of Beale
street, the sounds of the dissonant hush and
rumble of Annabelle’s lace dabbing
dried salty droplets of labor
love, soaked crimson by pricked fingers.

I came upon Miss Mary’s boarding
house, for wandering souls can
use some grits and pecan pie
in their knapsack,
water pitcher
ice cubes and lemon on a silver tray.

Flecks of traveler’s dust floated past
the auburn cast window, we two
timeless and restless, fanned and
dabbed, imprudently stripped down.
It was too hot for radio.

Mirages wisped and waved
across the parlor, door ajar
the handyman-boy fixed the drip-
drop faucet that tantalized the
hours, silenced with a firm touch.

You got a smoke? caught his key
in the ignition, from my sticky sofa
bondage I fled, bounded down
the chipped eggshell steps.

A well traveled way by which
that Chevy raced, created our own
summer breeze, I’ll raise you
one, little darlin’…


Smokes and beer lingered on
his lips, I too found comfort there, lying
among the serpents on their bellies falling
into the marshy ground, clearest
starlight nets weaved into new constellations.

Plastic Madonna melted on her pedestal
at the end of Miss Mary’s hallway, the bright
Messiah eyes cried black oily tears.
It was almost too hot to fuck.

That second night she retreated
to the porch, her longing-song played
a man under the lone streetlight of desire
across the highway.
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#2
Welcome to the site!

Enjoyed the read. It had a sense of location and nice concrete detail.

The call outs for me are the line breaks (and, the, Beale, on). There were a few others too. You missed some opportunities to play with some of the lines, but mostly the breaks seemed haphazard and didn't add much in some cases.

I also was not a fan of "lone streetlight of desire". The of constructions of this type feel a bit forced and melodramtic. They lose the emotional build up.

That said, I liked some of phrasing quite a bit: chipped eggshell steps, starlight nets weaved into new constellations, her longing-song played.

It's a good draft. It can be developed. I hope some of this was helpful.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#3
Hi kboss there is a lot to enjoy in this poem the details that give the reader a sense of the location really make it stand out, I like, to hot for radio, the image of total heat exhaustion is trapped in this line. For m the poem only really gets going in stanza 3 when it seems to smooth out and the images become more real. so I guess I'm saying I would start at S3 but that is just my opinion. Best TOMH

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#4
hoowee, the heat.Smile That was a fun read, thanks for posting.

A few notes: For me, the poem didn't grab me until the third stanza. I felt the same on second read, might change my mind tomorrow. I also felt a lag in the middle.

I especially like S5, I can see the handy-man boy, loved that, and can hear the post-drip silence.

Another favorite is S9, I can see her lopsided face dripping. And I liked the "almost".

Great job.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#5
lot's to like, it also had a song like quality to it but on occasion it was held up by line breaks that didn't work so well. Todd pointed them out so i won't double up on what he said.

some good images of heat. wasn't keen on "we two" but overall i enjoyed the poems friendliness and understated sex.

though when i was young it were never too hot to fuck Big Grin
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#6
(09-26-2013, 07:52 AM)Todd Wrote:  The call outs for me are the line breaks (and, the, Beale, on). There were a few others too. You missed some opportunities to play with some of the lines, but mostly the breaks seemed haphazard and didn't add much in some cases.

Thanks for your comments. They are very much appreciated. Any suggestions on good readings/theory on line breaks? It's always been a rather elusive concept for me to grasp.
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#7
It took about three years for me to begin to get more comfortable with line breaks in free verse so I understand. There used to be a good article on the gazebo, but I can't find it now.

Here's a discussion on it I started here awhile back (as always opinions may differ):

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=4281

It's also a good idea to read critically the poets you like and notice why they broke the lines where they did.

Here's a good book that goes into more detail:

The Art of the Poetic Line by James Longenbach

http://www.amazon.com/The-Poetic-Line-Ja..._1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380573173&sr=8-1&keywords=the+poetic+line
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#8
I absolutely LOVE the thick imagery and many musical references (no poem about memphis would be decent without that layer) but I'd just say about the line breaks.....

Think how you would say a phrase, where it would break naturally, where you would pause.

There is a more sophisticated way to write that uses enjambment, (which sort of looks like your breaks) but here's the thing---the enjambment has to be for a reason, not haphazard. You'll figure that out once you learn regular line break stuff.

I dislike re-writing poetry, but I'll tackle your first stanza and just show how I would do the line breaks, to give you a glimpse.

Flat noise and light cast
down that black pavement
tacked on dusty cotton paths
plains of the Delta.


As a PS I adore the internal rhyme you have going. This is good stuff. Keep writing, I'm enthralled.

bena
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