Alright

[Wjames]

Alright

Gangrene enthusiasm, parasite smile,
although I seem chipper
I’m wrack with denial.


I'm going to try and expand this little poem into a song once I get a new guitar.

[dontwantusername]

Hi,

As you know, this is a song. As I am a new member, I don't know if that is allowed, but I would like to comment.

You could try to write a song that also contains deep meanings like a poem, or is basically a poem and a song at the same time. The flow of musical expression, compared to poetic expression, is different, because the notes and melodies tend to do the talking. "I'm wrack with denial" is a very blunt statement, and it rests too easily and self-assuredly with the first two lines. It's also a playful sounding song (so far) that tries to mask and trivilize any negative feelings you may have, so that makes the expected standard of quality go up a notch, considering you have to then employ more devices to enhance the theme and audience understanding of these emotions without simply and literally transferring your feeling to the audience. There is a thing about music, and that is: people tend to get in sync with the music, but that is not necessarily true and actually is probably not true at all for poetry.

One thing worth considering, is that "enthusiasm" and "smile" are things we take for granted, so you've essentially listed the qualities to associate with "enthusiasm" and "smile." Then you've gone straight on to form the conclusion which is: although I seem chipper, I'm wrack with denial.
So this was a very simple and straightforward process for you, leaving you open to expand these ideas later: however, in poetry, usually it's best to leave out this kind of simple introduction or placid exposition, so that the meaning resonates meaningfuly throughout the whole poem, consistently.

I hope this helps.

[Erthona]

"Gangrene enthusiasm, parasite smile,"

I'm not sure "Gangrene" is the word you want to pair up with "enthusiasm". Maybe pair diseased (or another synonym) with enthusiasm, as it seems you wish to infect someone, which comes across with "parasite smile". I would use "parasitic" instead of the noun form.


Dale

[leftover sushi]

i agree that gangrene doesn't sound right. how about "gangrous enthusiasm, parasitic smile"?

[bena]

I'm thinking necrotizing or necrotising for you Brits. It's the perfect word. This will be a great song, can't wait until you expand it. I really like "parasite smile" but I agree with Dale that it should be parasitic.

Keep at it,

mel/bena