Commentary

[totalchuck]

If everything is lacking of sense, you have to do stupid things to give your life a sense.

What can you do if everyone prefers a artificial joy to a true sadness? A false smile is sadder than real tears.

Loneliness is a loyal friend.

The jewel don’t have shape, his sparkles goes everywhere. He can’t be set and shine with a sick glow.

A soap bubble got a knife shape, an edge as delicate as paper.

I use to sleep to forget, but I forgot that you always wake up.

The fish is dead on the table. He sees people go and talk but he is dead. If only he could fly in the air to remember the time when he was swimming in the ocean.

Don’t tell her with flowers, tell her with a bath.

Why are we trying to be special? why not trying to don’t be special.

If a thing is lacking of sense you can try to explain it, but it is not the truth anymore.

(excuse me for my english again)

[addy]

Just making a few suggestions, but this is a very nice piece. It has a profound oddity, and some nice gems of imagery

If everything is lacking of sense, you have to do stupid things to give your life a sense. I like the meaning of this line, though I think it's a bit literal the way its currently phrased

What can you do if everyone prefers a remove "a" artificial joy to a remove "a" true sadness? A false smile is sadder than real tears.

Loneliness is a loyal friend.

The jewel don’t "doesn't" have shape, his sparkles goes everywhere. He can’t be set and shine with a sick glow. Not quite sure what this line means so can't correct it... also is the personification intentional?

A soap bubble got maybe "has" instead of "got" a knife shape, an edge as delicate as paper. That said, love this line

I use to sleep to forget, but I forgot that you always wake up.

The fish is dead on the table. He sees people go and talk but he is dead. If only he could fly in the air to remember the time when he was swimming in the ocean. This part was really odd, but it struck me hard as well... so poignant

Don’t tell her with flowers, tell her with a bath.

Why are we trying to be special? why not trying to don’t be special. "try to not be special", maybe?

If a thing is lacking of sense you can try to explain it, but it is not the truth anymore. Great, great line

Thanks for sharing this

[billy]

If everything is lacking of sense, you have to do stupid things to give your life a sense.

What can you do if everyone prefers a artificial joy to a true sadness? A false smile is sadder than real tears. good line

Loneliness is a loyal friend.

The jewel don’t have shape, his sparkles goes everywhere. He can’t be set and shine with a sick glow.

A soap bubble got a knife shape, an edge as delicate as paper.

I use to sleep to forget, but I forgot that you always wake up.

The fish is dead on the table. He sees people go and talk but he is dead. If only he could fly in the air to remember the time when he was swimming in the ocean.

Don’t tell her with flowers, tell her with a bath.

Why are we trying to be special? why not trying to don’t be special.

If a thing is lacking of sense you can try to explain it, but it is not the truth anymore.

(excuse me for my english again)

addy has given a few grammar points,

some of the lines could be moved down a line as in;

If everything is lacking of sense,
you have to do stupid things to give your life a sense.

What can you do if everyone prefers a artificial joy
to a true sadness? A false smile is sadder than real tears.
by breaking the sentence down at a relevant point (this is a poetic device called enjambment) you add another aspect of poetry to the piece.
we can presume english isn't your first language, that being the case, i think the poem is well constructed. apart from grammar, cliché (old phrases or saying) will be one of the things to look out for.


some of the imagery is good, i like the insight that a jewel doesn't have shape. i also like some of the truisms you show us.

thanks for the read.

[totalchuck]

Thanks for the comment and for the correction.