Writer at work [naughty word warning]

[Nick]

Her tatts are blurred by wine
She kinda smells like cat piss
snoring gently on a floor mattress

I tap on the butcher papered typer
as the rooms bulb dances from the cord
(fucking trains)

My rig is darted in the wall
Won't need it anymore
finally met God

Ashtrays everywhere
All overfilled
That babe can sure suck some butt

Gotta finish this piece
Get some sack time
Tomorrows fresh horror dawns early

[Apophrades]

You seem to have rushed this piece, indicated by the lack of apostrophes.

This piece would benefit from more 'interesting' word choices for what you're trying to describe. e.g. blurred (see suggestions below).

Because you've decided to use colloquialisms and phonetic spelling of words, I suggest you have some dialogue, and perhaps try to set a 'scene.'

Her tatts are blurred by wine (Her Monroe tatt stained crimson blonde, a red wine evening)
She kinda smells like cat piss

I tap on the butcher papered typer This reads awkwardly. I'm not sure what you're saying so I can't offer a suggestion.
as the rooms bulb dances from the cord room's
(fucking trains)

My rig is darted in the wall I'm not sure what a rig is :/
Won't need it anymore, finally met God

Ashtrays everywhere
All overfilled Overfilled ashtrays, everywhere
That babe can sure suck some butt

Gotta finish this piece
Get some sack time
Tomorrows horror dawns early Tomorrow's

[Jeffrey Gibson]

I am intersted to know why you have foregone punctuation in this piece. How do you think it serves your submission's aim -- what ever that might be (it is unclear to me).

I wonder if you'd consider why such an un-punctuated sentence as this:

"I enjoy eating my mother and my friends".

does not end up conveying what the writer intended to convey given that he/she is not a cannibal and how the lack of punctuation causes a reader to work more than a reader should have to work to get at the writer's intended meaning.

Lack of attention to proper punctuation seems to me not only to be an affectation (if it is not done out of ignorance of the rules and conventions of punctuation). It shows laziness on a writer's part and is an abrogation of the writer's responsibility to help the reader see with his/her eyes shut (thank you Ms. Paston) rather than to give them a code that they must break.

Jeffrey

[FractalPacifist]

I like where this is going, but it feels too short. Not that short is bad - I would simply enjoy hearing an expansion on your ideas.

I also think the title could use work. This doesn't seem to be as much about the writer in you as about a day in the life kinda thing.

Her tatts are blurred by wine
She kinda smells like cat piss stark. I like it.

I tap on the butcher papered typer try a hyphen in "butcher-papered." Also, what happened to the girl?
as the rooms bulb dances from the cord Could easily be cut down to "as the bulb danced from the cord." That you are in a room doesn't really need stating; however, a little more imagery in this stanza would be nice.
(fucking trains)

My rig is darted in the wall confused here - what kind of rig?
Won't need it anymore, finally met God

Ashtrays everywhere
All overfilled
That babe can sure suck some butt interesting double wording.

Gotta finish this piece
Get some sack time
Tomorrows horror dawns early

[Todd]

Nick, one thing I do like here is using the heroin rig as a dart to stick in the wall. It's one of the cooler lines in the piece. It also makes a slight Lenny Bruce reference with the God thing in the next line. It reminds me of Bruce's comment on his heroin addiction,"I'll die young, but it's like kissing God."

[Erthona]

A nicely original, but problematic piece.

"tatts" I'm assuming "tats" whether tattoos or lace dollies I am unsure. Most of the other problems I have with this have already been noted.


Dale

[Malu]

Her tatts are blurred by wine I enjoyed this line
She kinda smells like cat piss Which one? haha

I tap on the butcher papered typer Reads a bit awkward, I think it could use some adjusting
as the rooms bulb dances from the cord room's* also enjoyed this line
(fucking trains)

My rig is darted in the wall Not sure what you mean by rig, making ready/assembling? oil rig? a device? a person's costume? rigging of like a machine or some sort?
Won't need it anymore, finally met God

Ashtrays everywhere
All overfilled What else is around?
That babe can sure suck some butt Rather humorous haha

Gotta finish this piece You could always come back to it, more productive work happens that way sometimes
Get some sack time Plays on the cliche of hitting the sack for sleep, not terrible but I'm sure there's another way to get this point across, or just evoke it without stating it
Tomorrows fresh horror dawns early Tomorrow's*

Missed a couple punctuations, and I think you could loose a few details from some of your imagery and not a whole lot with change. The typewriter and the light bulb already implied you were in a room, so you can drop "room" from that line. That goes for the second line, we learned from the first line you are talking about a woman, you don't need to say "she kinda smells.." you could say something like a stench of cat piss fills the air or a redolence of cat piss. Hope these comments/suggestions help!

[Nick]

You seem to have rushed this piece, indicated by the lack of apostrophes.[b]Piece is written by narrator who is awake for the third consecutive night typing away at his work (are you familiar with "The Cantos"?) and any regard for punctuation has been superseded by headlong desire to reach a stopping point before the body succumbs to exhaustion.

This piece would benefit from more 'interesting' word choices for what you're trying to describe. e.g. blurred (see suggestions below).

Because you've decided to use colloquialisms and phonetic spelling of words, I suggest you have some dialogue, and perhaps try to set a 'scene.'[/b]

Her tatts are blurred by wine (Her Monroe tatt stained crimson blonde, a red wine evening)
She kinda smells like cat piss

I tap on the butcher papered typer This reads awkwardly. I'm not sure what you're saying so I can't offer a suggestion.For an understanding of "butcher papered typer" I suggest you Wiki "On the Road" and scroll down to the heading "Production and publication".
as the rooms bulb dances from the cord room's
(fucking trains)

My rig is darted in the wall I'm not sure what a rig is :/hypodermic syringe
Won't need it anymore, finally met God

Ashtrays everywhere
All overfilled Overfilled ashtrays, everywhere
That babe can sure suck some butt

Gotta finish this piece
Get some sack time
Tomorrows horror dawns early Tomorrow's

I appreciate your comments and thank you for them.

---

A nicely original, but problematic piece.

"tatts" I'm assuming "tats" whether tattoos or lace dollies I am unsure. Most of the other problems I have with this have already been noted.


Dale

Your assumption is correct and they are of the heavy black ink variety owing to the use of a tatt gun made up of a ball point pen tube, a guitar string and a tape recorder motor.

---

Nick, one thing I do like here is using the heroin rig as a dart to stick in the wall. It's one of the cooler lines in the piece. It also makes a slight Lenny Bruce reference with the God thing in the next line. It reminds me of Bruce's comment on his heroin addiction,"I'll die young, but it's like kissing God."

This rig was used for crank not smack. Okay, okay- speed not heroin. Didn't know Lenny said that. Saw him in a film. He was on fire. Lou Reed once sang that it made him feel just like Jesus' son (Heroin song written by Lou in 1964). But I wander- thanks for your reactions.

---

Her tatts are blurred by wine I enjoyed this line
She kinda smells like cat piss Which one? haha

I tap on the butcher papered typer Reads a bit awkward, I think it could use some adjusting
as the rooms bulb dances from the cord room's* also enjoyed this line
(fucking trains)

My rig is darted in the wall Not sure what you mean by rig, making ready/assembling? oil rig? a device? a person's costume? rigging of like a machine or some sort?
Won't need it anymore, finally met God

Ashtrays everywhere
All overfilled What else is around?
That babe can sure suck some butt Rather humorous haha

Gotta finish this piece You could always come back to it, more productive work happens that way sometimes
Get some sack time Plays on the cliche of hitting the sack for sleep, not terrible but I'm sure there's another way to get this point across, or just evoke it without stating it
Tomorrows fresh horror dawns early Tomorrow's*

Missed a couple punctuations, and I think you could loose a few details from some of your imagery and not a whole lot with change. The typewriter and the light bulb already implied you were in a room, so you can drop "room" from that line. That goes for the second line, we learned from the first line you are talking about a woman, you don't need to say "she kinda smells.." you could say something like a stench of cat piss fills the air or a redolence of cat piss. Hope these comments/suggestions help!

Some of your questions have been addressed in other responses.
I see you saw the lighthearted level I was puttin' this out on.
Bravo, mate.

[Todd]

I had too many roommates on both crank and smack so I can see your point.

[Nick]

I like where this is going, but it feels too short. Not that short is bad - I would simply enjoy hearing an expansion on your ideas.

I also think the title could use work. This doesn't seem to be as much about the writer in you as about a day in the life kinda thing.

Her tatts are blurred by wine
She kinda smells like cat piss stark. I like it.

I tap on the butcher papered typer try a hyphen in "butcher-papered." Also, what happened to the girl?
as the rooms bulb dances from the cord Could easily be cut down to "as the bulb danced from the cord." That you are in a room doesn't really need stating; however, a little more imagery in this stanza would be nice.
(fucking trains)

My rig is darted in the wall confused here - what kind of rig?
Won't need it anymore, finally met God

Ashtrays everywhere
All overfilled
That babe can sure suck some butt interesting double wording.

Gotta finish this piece
Get some sack time
Tomorrows horror dawns early

The rig thing is covered in an earlier response.

The girl- you see what my chief problem is with this composition. I haven't figured out how to park her. She is passed out on a floor mattress that is cornered by two walls. I haven't the wording for that position yet. The line belongs in the first stanza.

Thanks for giving it all a going over.

---

I am intersted to know why you have foregone punctuation in this piece. How do you think it serves your submission's aim -- what ever that might be (it is unclear to me).

I wonder if you'd consider why such an un-punctuated sentence as this:

"I enjoy eating my mother and my friends".

does not end up conveying what the writer intended to convey given that he/she is not a cannibal and how the lack of punctuation causes a reader to work more than a reader should have to work to get at the writer's intended meaning.

Lack of attention to proper punctuation seems to me not only to be an affectation (if it is not done out of ignorance of the rules and conventions of punctuation). It shows laziness on a writer's part and is an abrogation of the writer's responsibility to help the reader see with his/her eyes shut (thank you Ms. Paston) rather than to give them a code that they must break.

Jeffrey

I understand your concerns.
I looked at you photo stuff and see the classic completeness.
Are you familiar with the work of a fellow named William Carlos Williams?

---

I had too many roommates on both crank and smack so I can see your point.

Other planets, other lives, eh?

But I do thank you for helping me get why you knew the slang term.

Nick

[Malu]

Some of your questions have been addressed in other responses.
I see you saw the lighthearted level I was puttin' this out on.
Bravo, mate.
[/quote]

I usually don't read other replies, just critique the poem, not the best habit I suppose.

[Erthona]

"Your assumption is correct and they are of the heavy black ink variety owing to the use of a tatt gun made up of a ball point pen tube, a guitar string and a tape recorder motor."

OUCH!


dale