Cement Jungle

[viviencherylin]

Hi everyone
I've been trying my hand at more contemporary forms of poetry, but I am relatively inexperienced so I lack the discipline that I should have. This is one of my first few attempts, so please be nice, but any comments for improvement would be greatly appreciated

Cement Jungle

We were lovers
Who danced in fields
Of murky grey
Who forgot that night,
If you stood far
Enough away
From the streetlight,
Could emulate
The sweetness of day

That was our life
Who, as dreamers,
Born to a world
Already discovered
By the forefathers
Of our past,
Could do nothing more
And say nothing more
Than a simple:

Adieu!
Adieu!
Adieu!

To that starry shore
That we once knew.

[tectak]

Hi everyone
I've been trying my hand at more contemporary forms of poetry, but I am relatively inexperienced so I lack the discipline that I should have. This is one of my first few attempts, so please be nice, but any comments for improvement would be greatly appreciated

Cement Jungle

We were lovers
Who danced in fields
Of murky grey
Who forgot that night,
If you stood far
Enough away
From the streetlight,
Could emulate
The sweetness of day

That was our life
Who, as dreamers,
Born to a world
Already discovered
By the forefathers
Of our past,
Could do nothing more
And say nothing more
Than a simple:

Adieu!
Adieu!
Adieu!

To that starry shore
That we once knew.

If you punctuate this to clarity and stop capitalising every line (contemporary??) I will transport you to serious workshopping...it will be worthy.
Best,
tectak
Well done. Drop the adieu(contemporary??)

[viviencherylin]

Hi tectak,

Thanks for the feedback! I've revised the poem below, but I have a tendency to be quite inept when it comes to punctuating poetry, so I'm not exactly sure that it has improved for the better.

Not sure what you meant when you said drop the adieu – like, remove all of it altogether? I feel as though it is integral to the meaning and sentiment of the poem; I'm trying convey a wistful longing for a mystic, romantic past, which is reflected by the use of the Old French “goodbye”. The speaker attempts to forcibly bring back remnants of the past by applying the traditional language of love in an environment pervaded by modernity. That, and I feel as though replacing might disrupt the flow of the poem. That said, if you had any suggestions as to what else might be appropriate there, feel free to broach them. I'm always happy to try new things, I'm just not sure where to start!

Cement Jungle (revised)

We were lovers,
who danced in fields
of murky grey,
who forgot that night,
if you stood far
enough away
from the streetlight,
could emulate
the sweetness of day.

That was our life,
who, as dreamers
born to a world
already discovered
by the forefathers
of our past,
could do nothing more,
and say nothing more,
than a simple –

Adieu,
Adieu,
Adieu!

to that starry shore
that we once knew.

[tectak]

Hi tectak,

Thanks for the feedback! I've revised the poem below, but I have a tendency to be quite inept when it comes to punctuating poetry, so I'm not exactly sure that it has improved for the better.

Not sure what you meant when you said drop the adieu – like, remove all of it altogether? I feel as though it is integral to the meaning and sentiment of the poem; I'm trying convey a wistful longing for a mystic, romantic past, which is reflected by the use of the Old French “goodbye”. The speaker attempts to forcibly bring back remnants of the past by applying the traditional language of love in an environment pervaded by modernity. That, and I feel as though replacing might disrupt the flow of the poem. That said, if you had any suggestions as to what else might be appropriate there, feel free to broach them. I'm always happy to try new things, I'm just not sure where to start!

Cement Jungle (revised)

We were lovers,
who danced in fields
of murky grey,
who forgot that night,
if you stood far
enough away
from the streetlight,
could emulate
the sweetness of day.

That was our life,
who, as dreamers who who who....asked the wise old owl....twit!
born to a world
already discovered
by the forefathers
of our past,redundant
could do nothing more,
and say nothing more,
than a simple –

could do nothing more,
and say nothing more,
than a simple farewell
to that starry shore
that we once knew.

You asked, your poem
Adieu,
Adieu,
Adieu!

to that starry shore
that we once knew.

There is one "who" for each "adieu" which is two too many of each Your sentences are too long. Try to make each stanza more compact and dense. One more edit should do it. Your use of adieu! would be affectacious in any piece referencing the cliched concrete jungle but is made bizzarre by your attempt at contemporary poetry using an old middle english word derived from a french corruption of the Latin for "with god".Best,
tectak