Uncle's home

[Bunx]

Yes, uncle Jim.
Uncle Jim knows
left from right,
a rulers rim.
He is a
gay
architect.

Even though Uncle Jim most
likely built your school,
you know he is king
of cool.

I wish I could be more like Jim,
but in a gay catholic jail.
Chances, slim.

[Malu]

Yes, my uncle Jim.
The one knows
left from right, The second and third line read bad.
but not a rulers rim. What do you mean by this?

Even though he most
likely built your school, Prove it.
you know he is king
of cool. Too school for cool, or too cool for school.

I wish I could be more like him, Does Jim write good poems?
but in a catholic jail.
Chances, slim. Not a bad ending.

Wasn't a whole lot of imagery, but at least the grammar here was more bearable.

[milo]

Yes, my uncle Jim.
The one knows
left from right,
but not a rulers rim.

Even though he most
likely built your school,
you know he is king
of cool.

I wish I could be more like him,
but in a catholic jail.
Chances, slim.

---

nice
poem

this is not considered feedback in the critical forums. For the critical forums you should go through the "critique process" which involves reading the poem several times through and then responding in the thread using specific instances of what works and doesn't work for you - the reader. Please correct this post.

/mod

[Sonata]

Yes, my uncle Jim. this start kinda says, hey, there's something before this, but u won't find out what, i'd like to see something before it
The one knows
left from right,
but not a rulers rim. I have absolutely no idea what u said in these last 2 lines, i mean, i can understand it, but a connection doesn't seem so stable. You kinda forced the rhyme here mate.

Even though he most
likely built your school,
you know he is king
of cool. as someone before me said, too cool for school, it's like u made that sentence into a stanza and enlarged it. This stanza could use some rework, i'm not saying u should change it, but maybe tell something else to "he most likely build your school", most likely, i don't know about that.

I wish I could be more like him,
but in a catholic jail.
Chances, slim. Jail ruins the melody, u've got the rhyme: him - slim, but in between those two u've got - jail, completely different sound. I'm not saying u should make it rhyme with those two, but maybe choosing a different, a bit, quieter word sound would help with the melody of the whole stanza. End works, it's short and dynamic.

In general i like ur poem and i like ur style, but it could use some work.