Away

[Sonata]

You could be at your place, tonight,
and I could just stay for the night
and watch you sway in your,
new, silk, saffron dress,
waving with your long golden hair.

Yet, I am already far away.

[ChristopherSea]

That should be 'we' and you don't need all of those 'and's or the run on sentence. The hair should sway with the dress (no need to wave). The ending is a bit anticlimatic. I'd try something like this:

We could be at your place now.
I could stay the night.
I'd watch you sway
in your saffron silk dress;
lose myself
in your long golden hair.

Instead, I'm watching
my own drab locks hang
like these worn pajamas.


See what you think. I did feel the aloofness./Chris

[Keaner222]

I actually like the end. It sends me a very depressing message and makes me think. It's sad and it sends the message that not being with the person is sad

[bena]

I love the term "saffron dress"--it conjures up richness in color, smells, flavors, and of course decadency with just one word. I love the ending as well.

[beaufort]

I would leave out most of the commas - especially after "your" and "yet"

[violetdarling]

That should be 'we' and you don't need all of those 'and's or the run on sentence. The hair should sway with the dress (no need to wave). The ending is a bit anticlimatic. I'd try something like this:

We could be at your place now.
I could stay the night.
I'd watch you sway
in your saffron silk dress;
lose myself
in your long golden hair.

Instead, I'm watching
my own drab locks hang
like these worn pajamas.


See what you think. I did feel the aloofness./Chris

My thoughts, more or less, are the same on this piece. I enjoyed the idea of it and yes, the aloofness was definitely there but the advice ChristopherSea gave, I ecco.