Posts: 24
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
Love Is A Maze
Love is a maze of truth
With all the dead ends..
We grew
All the hardships,
Pushing through
And in the end what I found
Was you.
First you ripped my heart off my sleeve
Even then we loved,
Anonymously.
We rushed, I tripped and fell
Growing distant,
But on the same trail
In this maze searching for the truth,
But in the end
What I found
Was you.
Thanks for reading! I appreciate all criticism to hopefully get better!
Most of these lines don't hold together very well. In a maze of truth, one truth? I guess, because: searching for the truth.
We grew
All the hardships,
Pushing through
Feels sloppy, even with the rhyme.
Even then we loved,
Anonymously.
We rushed, I tripped and fell
Growing distant,
But on the same trail
Also feels sloppy, and tedious.
More than half of the poem consists of filler lines.
Posts: 51
Threads: 10
Joined: Sep 2013
(11-08-2013, 05:21 AM)Anonymous Wrote: Love Is A Maze
Love is a maze of truth
With all the dead ends..
We grew
All the hardships,
Pushing through
And in the end what I found
Was you.
First you bit the heart off my sleeve.
And still we loved,
unreservedly.
We rushed along
I tripped and fell
Growing distant,
But on the same trail
In this maze searching for the truth,
and in the end
what I found
is you.
Thanks for reading! I appreciate all criticism to hopefully get better!
You can see some of my thoughts in an alteration of your original. The thing is your flow direction with this piece seems multi directional and a crafted thrust for a stanza eludes me.
So keep at it.
Posts: 23
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
(11-08-2013, 05:21 AM)Anonymous Wrote: Love Is A Maze
Love is a maze of truth
With all the dead ends..
We grew
All the hardships,
Pushing through
And in the end what I found This is what you say at the end, IMHO.
Was you.
First you ripped my heart off my sleeve Could you start with this?
Even then we loved,
Anonymously.
We rushed, I tripped and fell. Really like this.
Growing distant, Now insert the hardships....
But on the same trail
In this maze searching for the truth,
But in the end Weak line perhaps To my delight
What I found
Was you.
This is definitely worth a rewrite, some more maze like metaphors and better punctuation would enhance this greatly. Also revise all the capitals at the beginning of lines. This was a mistake I used to make too.
Thanks for reading! I appreciate all criticism to hopefully get better!
Posts: 1,548
Threads: 942
Joined: Dec 2016
(11-08-2013, 05:21 AM)Anonymous Wrote: Love is a maze of truth I kinda like this opener. It's like "truth" is what's at the centre of the maze, which people are trying to reach.
With all the dead ends..
We grew
All the hardships, This doesn't really make sense, given that the next line is "pushing through". How can you overcome hardships while also "growing" them, which to me implies that said hardships are the lovers' fault?
Pushing through
And in the end what I found
Was you.
First you ripped my heart off my sleeve Nice subversion of the old phrase; I like the touch of bloodiness you added to it. Should a comma go at the end of this line, by the way?
Even then we loved,
Anonymously.
We rushed, I tripped and fell This image is funny, which may not have been your intention.
Growing distant,
But on the same trail
In this maze searching for the truth, Good idea here; makes me picture the lovers in different parts of the maze, feeling frantically along.
But in the end
What I found
Was you.
The setting and characters are a bit bare, but you have some good lines here. Critique is JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read 
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Love is a maze of truth - a comma is missing here
With all the dead ends..
We grew
All the hardships,
Pushing through
And in the end what I found
Was you. - you're just repeating your ending...
First you bit the heart off my sleeve. - nice imagery, a bit gory, still cool
And still we loved,
unreservedly.
We rushed, I tripped and fell - i love this line
Growing distant,
But on the same trail
In this maze searching for the truth, - lovely, showing the need to be together
and in the end
what I found
is you.
Love is a maze of truth - a comma is missing here
With all the dead ends..
We grew
All the hardships,
Pushing through
And in the end what I found
Was you. - you're just repeating your ending...
First you bit the heart off my sleeve. - nice imagery, a bit gory, still cool
And still we loved,
unreservedly.
We rushed, I tripped and fell - i love this line
Growing distant,
But on the same trail
In this maze searching for the truth, - lovely, showing the need to be together
and in the end
what I found
is you.
Posts: 294
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
I agree with all the above, plus I'd love some correct punctuation. L2 has 2 dots at the end, and I don't know if that is a typo of a period or supposed to be an ellipsis, but if it is the latter, you need three dots. I think it would help greatly to push all of this into the present tense instead of switching.
mel/bena
|
