11.

[Speaktaboo]

She could pull a smile out of the mouth of hell.
I had never seen dead sunflowers printed on a dress.
I watched her, Skipping moss covered stones in a dry lake;
chasing butterflies around bodies unburied.
She was the last of them.
The last of us.
It had been eleven days since she'd eaten
A mug half filled with water on her last day she looked back on the wars.
I think she was 11 or 12.
11.
Infantries and investors.
Doctors, scientists, the churches.
The ones we dont see, the inbetween.
She was inbetween.
Now she was the only.
before she got too weak she would play and play.
She was never afraid.
Never cried.
She didnt even drink the water

[Polar Bear]

I have a hard time line by lining this as it really reads like the opening paragraph of a novel rather than it does strict prose (is there such a thing?).

So, since that's how it makes me feel I'm going to approach it from that angle. Shoot me later.

She could pull a smile out of the mouth of hell. -- Great opening line
I had never seen dead sunflowers printed on a dress. -- Beginning this line with "I had..." disrupts the flow. Consider rephrasing a bit, perchance "she had dead..."
I watched her, Skipping moss covered stones in a dry lake; -- This clause doesn't seem related to the next hence I'm going to have to take your semicolon and insist on a comma.
chasing butterflies around bodies unburied.
She was the last of them.
The last of us.
It had been eleven days since she'd eaten
A mug half filled with water on her last day she looked back on the wars. -- Feels like some commas are called for
I think she was 11 or 12.
11.
Infantries and investors.
Doctors, scientists, the churches.
The ones we dont see, the inbetween.
She was inbetween.
Now she was the only.
before she got too weak she would play and play.
She was never afraid.
Never cried.
She didnt even drink the water -- Beautiful last line. Put that apostrophe in though.

All in all, I want to hear more about what's going on here, sine it doesn't seem like allegory or metaphor - I want narrative.

Thanks for the share.

[Speaktaboo]

I don't want to shoot you. Thank you for reading! I'm not the best technically. Need to stop being lazy with mechanics. I'm too cocky. I agree about the start of the second line. Again thank you

[71degrees]

She could pull a smile out of the mouth of hell.
I had never seen dead sunflowers printed on a dress.
I watched her, Skipping moss covered stones in a dry lake;
chasing butterflies around bodies unburied.
She was the last of them.
The last of us.
It had been eleven days since she'd eaten
A mug half filled with water on her last day she looked back on the wars.
I think she was 11 or 12.
11.
Infantries and investors.
Doctors, scientists, the churches.
The ones we dont see, the inbetween.
She was inbetween.
Now she was the only.
before she got too weak she would play and play.
She was never afraid.
Never cried.
She didnt even drink the water

I often post "parts" of things. Is this? Obviously, some grammatical things need to be "fixed" to maintain some sort of being consistent, but to be honest, I like non-punctuated pieces and love to see this go all the way just to add to the "Twilight Zone" atmosphere. I like the fact I don't know she's dead until half way through. Your images are perfect at the beginning. After your break, not so much and that was disappointing to me. Very general in the 2nd half. Abstract, even. The last line is the only one rivaling the upper half. It's a keeper.

I so like the beginning...match that intensity.

[beaufort]

She could pull a smile out of the mouth of hell.
I had never seen dead sunflowers printed on a dress.
I watched her, Skipping moss covered stones in a dry lake; no need to capitalize skipping, "moss-covered", would use a comma at the end and not a semicolon
chasing butterflies around bodies unburied. maybe "around unburied bodies"?
She was the last of them.
The last of us.
It had been eleven days since she'd eaten "she had eaten."
A mug half filled with water on her last day she looked back on the wars. this sentence doesn't make sense to me - is she holding the mug? Needs revision - since I'm not sure what you are saying it is hard to make suggestions. Definitely needs some type of punctuation
I think she was 11 or 12. might want to spell these out
11.
Infantries and investors. why the period?
Doctors, scientists, the churches. ditto above
The ones we dont see, the inbetween. in-betweens - again, punctuation
She was inbetween. do you want to say inbetween? in-between?
Now she was the only.
before she got too weak she would play and play. Before she became too...?
She was never afraid.
Never cried.
She didnt even drink the water didn't

punctuation last three lines needs revision

I would think either use punctuation or don't - the mix of both is a bit off-putting. If I understand what you are saying, this has the potential to be quite moving. Hope you post an edit. Thanks.

[Malu]

She could pull a smile out of the mouth of hell. Pretty interesting, nice
I had never seen dead sunflowers printed on a dress.
I watched her, Skipping moss covered stones in a dry lake;
chasing butterflies around bodies unburied.
She was the last of them.
The last of us.
It had been eleven days since she'd eaten
A mug half filled with water on her last day she looked back on the wars.
I think she was 11 or 12.
11. So far this style unique to me, I don't think I'm fully comprehending everything but I have a good idea.
Infantries and investors.
Doctors, scientists, the churches.
The ones we dont see, the inbetween. Don't
She was inbetween.
Now she was the only.
before she got too weak she would play and play. Before
She was never afraid.
Never cried.
She didnt even drink the water

Now I get more of the content here, good message. Just made a few comments, and couple capitalizations and grammar corrections.

[Speaktaboo]

Thanks for the feed guys. I know the mechanics are off. I rushed on posting this. There is a revision in the works. Thanks again

[justcloudy]

Ok you said you welcomed critique and I do have things to say about this one, so here you are.

She could pull a smile out of the mouth of hell.
I had never seen dead sunflowers printed on a dress. I'm having a hard time connecting this line to the one above, though I do like them both.
I watched her, Skipping moss covered stones in a dry lake; Why is "skipping" capitalized?
chasing butterflies around bodies unburied. Very nice image.
She was the last of them.
The last of us.
It had been eleven days since she'd eaten Here you write out eleven, when below you put 11 and 12. Consistency is good.
A mug half filled with water on her last day she looked back on the wars. Grammar and/or punctuation is off here.
I think she was 11 or 12.
11.
Infantries and investors. This isn't a sentence. And again I'm not sure how any of this follows from what came before...
Doctors, scientists, the churches. This isn't a sentence.
The ones we dont see, the inbetween. This isn't a sentence. Don't needs and apostrophe and it's "in between" not "inbetween".
She was inbetween.
Now she was the only. The only what?
before she got too weak she would play and play. Need a capital letter.
She was never afraid.
Never cried.
She didnt even drink the water Full stop and apostrophe needed, but strong ending.

I'm confused at the overuse of punctuation in some places and it's lack in others.

While I like some of the images here it's not all coming together for me. I still don't know much about "her" and really nothing about the narrator, and I'm not sure what they are or what they're doing. I think I know what they represent but I'm not sure, and anyway that's not enough.

I'd suggest a pretty drastic rewrite. Find the images in the poem, because they're the meat and they're interesting and original, so keep them and try to build something up again from there.

-justcloudy

[Speaktaboo]

Ok you said you welcomed critique and I do have things to say about this one, so here you are.

She could pull a smile out of the mouth of hell.
I had never seen dead sunflowers printed on a dress. I'm having a hard time connecting this line to the one above, though I do like them both.
I watched her, Skipping moss covered stones in a dry lake; Why is "skipping" capitalized?
chasing butterflies around bodies unburied. Very nice image.
She was the last of them.
The last of us.
It had been eleven days since she'd eaten Here you write out eleven, when below you put 11 and 12. Consistency is good. If you didn't guess from the piece I have a thing for the number. Any way it's written is lovely isn't it?

A mug half filled with water on her last day she looked back on the wars. Grammar and/or punctuation is off here.
I think she was 11 or 12.
11.
Infantries and investors. This isn't a sentence. And again I'm not sure how any of this follows from what came before... I guess I write like I'm talking. The spoken word sneaks out at times. She's looking back on the wars. The list of groups are the participants of these "wars"
Doctors, scientists, the churches. This isn't a sentence.
The ones we dont see, the inbetween. This isn't a sentence. Don't needs and apostrophe and it's "in between" not "inbetween".
She was inbetween.
Now she was the only. The only what?
before she got too weak she would play and play. Need a capital letter.
She was never afraid.
Never cried.
She didnt even drink the water Full stop and apostrophe needed, but strong ending.

I'm confused at the overuse of punctuation in some places and it's lack in others.

I need to get off of lazy river. I speed through and don't edit. That's why I'm here.
Thank you. Slight rewrite may be in the works.

While I like some of the images here it's not all coming together for me. I still don't know much about "her" and really nothing about the narrator, and I'm not sure what they are or what they're doing. I think I know what they represent but I'm not sure, and anyway that's not enough.

I'd suggest a pretty drastic rewrite. Find the images in the poem, because they're the meat and they're interesting and original, so keep them and try to build something up again from there.

-justcloudy