Fourth Edit - The Fearful Age
#1
The Fearful Age

Along the creek we cast a cautious eye
at tightly tangled briars and thickened roots
threatening to trip us; we seek strong limbs
to pull ourselves upright, in deep red mud,
we struggle with the heft of heavy boots.

Far ahead, just past pitch pines and fir,
from rock to rock the children leap and rush
with harsh exciting river vast beneath them,
their shrieks and laughter linger in the air
to mingle with the calls of wren and thrush.

For when did we grow prey to cautiousness?
We, too, as youth ran wild among these trees,
building forest forts to play and dream in,
wading through the icy current depths
downstream from thoughts of danger or unease.

With wild exuberance of youth now broken, spent,
we rigid step away from pleasures calling;
how distant we have grown from confidence of early years
when we danced alone and raced through open fields,
back when we were not afraid of falling.



The Fearful Age

As we walk toward the river we cast wary eyes
at tightly tangled briars and thickened roots
threatening to trip us; we seek strong limbs
to keep ourselves from falling, the thick mud
swallowing, we struggle with the heft of heavy boots.

Far ahead, just past downed pines and brambles,
from rock to rock the children leap and rush,
with the harsh, exciting current loud below them
their shrieks and laughter rise into the air,
and blend with raucous singing of the wren and forest thrush.

When did we grow prey to cautiousness? We, too,
in youth ran wild among these vines and trees,
building leafy forts to dream and play in,
chasing water snakes and catching shining minnows
far downstream from thoughts of danger or unease.

With wild exuberance of youth now broken, tame,
we, rigid, step away from pleasures calling;
how distant we have grown from the flush of early years
when we danced alone and raced through open fields,
back when we were not afraid of falling.


_______________________



Walking by the creek we cast our wary eyes
toward tightly tangled briars and thickened roots
looming up to trip us; we seek strong limbs
to hold ourselves upright, the thick mud
pulling, grasping firmly at our heavy boots.

Far ahead, just past downed trees and brambles,
rock to rock the children leap and rush,
entranced by toads and backward sprinting crayfish.
Their shrieks and laughter rise into the air,
and mix with raucous singing of the wren and thrush.

Somehow we’re prey to cautiousness; we, too,
in youth ran wild among these vines and trees,
building leafy forts to dream and play in,
chasing water snakes and catching minnows
far downstream from danger or unease.

With wild exuberance of youth now tamed and broken
we, rigid, step away from pleasures calling;
how distant we have grown from the flush of early years
when we danced alone and raced through open fields,
back when we were not afraid of falling.
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#2
Your meter is wonderful. Overall meaning is great. Couple of thoughts, mostly on grammar below:

Walking by the creek we cast our wary eyes
toward tightly tangled briars and thickened roots
looming up to trip us; we seek strong limbs
to hold ourselves upright, the thick mud
pulling, grasping firmly at our heavy boots.

Far ahead, just past downed trees and brambles,
rock to rock the children leap and rush,
entranced by toads and backward sprinting crayfish<.>
their shrieks and laughter rise into the air,
and mix with raucous singing of the wren and thrush.

Somehow we’re prey to cautiousness,<;> we <,>too<,>
in youth ran wild among these vines and trees,
building leafy forts to dream and play in,
chasing water snakes and catching minnows
far downstream from danger or unease.

With wild exuberance of youth now broken, tame
We, rigid, step away from pleasures calling;
how distant we have grown from the flush of early years
when we danced alone and raced through open fields,
back when we were not afraid of falling.


Overall, very strong piece. I enjoyed it quite a bit!

mel
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#3
Thanks for reading this - I have make quick changes to punctuation, hopefully it will read more smoothly. I appreciate your comments.
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#4
(12-19-2013, 01:06 AM)beaufort Wrote:  Walking by the creek we cast our wary eyes
toward tightly tangled briars and thickened roots
looming up to trip us; we seek strong limbs
to hold ourselves upright, the thick mud
pulling, grasping firmly at our heavy boots.

Far ahead, just past downed trees and brambles,
rock to rock the children leap and rush,
entranced by toads and backward sprinting crayfish.
Their shrieks and laughter rise into the air,
and mix with raucous singing of the wren and thrush.

Somehow we’re prey to cautiousness; we, too,
in youth ran wild among these vines and trees,
building leafy forts to dream and play in,
chasing water snakes and catching minnows
far downstream from danger or unease.

With wild exuberance of youth now tamed and broken
we, rigid, step away from pleasures calling;
how distant we have grown from the flush of early years
when we danced alone and raced through open fields,
back when we were not afraid of falling.

Brought back some nice memories for me. Pleasant read. There is an older poet, Richard Eberhart, you may be interested in reading. Frost gets all the attention but Eberhart was a Pulitzer winner also, and rightfully so. "The Eclipse" is one of my all-time favorites. Would love to hear this read. Metered poems are meant to be heard. Would almost like to see the "idea" of the last line incorporated into the title somehow. This poem is worthy of a better title Wink
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#5
Hi Smile

A very well written offering that I enjoyed very much. I did have to read the poem twice to get the proper meter; even than, the words, though eloquent, reveal the rhyme grudgingly. This offering is far better than my observations would suggest. Perhaps a revised format and clearer punctuation might solve the problem.

I know what it is. the structure is 1,2,3,4,2. Once I worked that out and reread the poem the flow was much more obvious.
“Do not squander time, life is made of it.”
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#6
Wow. That last line really caught me. Hell of an ending!
My only problem with your poem is that the first stanza has wonderful, subtle alliteration throughout. Then, it just kinda stops Sad

Bonus points for a creative rhyme scheme!
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
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#7
A really good read here. "Yet when did we grow prey to cautiousness? " I would drop the yet here, don't think it adds anything. "we, rigid, step away from pleasures calling;" This could be tightened up a bit maybe by just dropping the rigid. Enjoyed the heck outta this poem Cheers!

(12-19-2013, 01:06 AM)beaufort Wrote:  The Fearful Age

As we walk toward the river we cast wary eyes
at tightly tangled briars and thickened roots
threatening to trip us; we seek strong limbs
to keep ourselves from falling, the thick mud
swallowing, we struggle with the heft of heavy boots.

Far ahead, just past downed pines and brambles,
from rock to rock the children leap and rush,
with the harsh, exciting current loud below them
their shrieks and laughter rise into the air,
and blend with raucous singing of the wren and forest thrush.

Yet when did we grow prey to cautiousness? We, too,
in youth ran wild among these vines and trees,
building leafy forts to dream and play in,
chasing water snakes and catching shining minnows
far downstream from thoughts of danger or unease.

With wild exuberance of youth now broken, tame,
we, rigid, step away from pleasures calling;
how distant we have grown from the flush of early years
when we danced alone and raced through open fields,
back when we were not afraid of falling.


_______________________



Walking by the creek we cast our wary eyes
toward tightly tangled briars and thickened roots
looming up to trip us; we seek strong limbs
to hold ourselves upright, the thick mud
pulling, grasping firmly at our heavy boots.

Far ahead, just past downed trees and brambles,
rock to rock the children leap and rush,
entranced by toads and backward sprinting crayfish.
Their shrieks and laughter rise into the air,
and mix with raucous singing of the wren and thrush.

Somehow we’re prey to cautiousness; we, too,
in youth ran wild among these vines and trees,
building leafy forts to dream and play in,
chasing water snakes and catching minnows
far downstream from danger or unease.

With wild exuberance of youth now tamed and broken
we, rigid, step away from pleasures calling;
how distant we have grown from the flush of early years
when we danced alone and raced through open fields,
back when we were not afraid of falling.
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#8
Thanks to all of you for your reads and comments. I have completed another edit - hope it helps. All of your comments are greatly appreciated! Best.
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