Avant-garde-n

[ChristopherSea]

final

inspired by Erthona's 'Planting Season’

Avant-garde-n

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when she drank a Hemlock tea.

Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.
Viola bows a stirring Blues
to assuage the garden shock.

Moonflowers sway as white ghosts,
to the Nightshade’s muted horn.
Troubled gardens are rarely Mum
on muggy summer morns.

Nearing dawn's Canterbury Bells,
with Monkshood shrouding eyes,
the local friar will chime a plea
for Morning Glory reprise.

----------------------------------------
(Note:Flowers are capitalized.)
----------------------------------------

----------------------------------------
(Dale/Geoff edit3 Thanks)

inspired by Erthona's 'Planting Season’

Avant-garde-n

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when she drank a Hemlock tea.

Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.
Viola bows a stirring Blues
to assuage the garden shock.

Moonflowers sway as white ghosts,
to the Nightshade’s muted horn.
Troubled gardens are rarely Mum
on muggy summer morns.

Nearing dawn's Canterbury Bells,
with Monkshood shrouding eyes,
the local friar will chime a plea
for Morning Glory reprise.

----------------------------------------
(Note:Flowers are capitalized.)
----------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------
Avant-garde-n

inspired by Erthona's 'Planting Season'

(Dale/Geoff edit2 Thank you!)

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when she drank a Hemlock brew.

Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.
Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the garden’s loss.

Moonflowers sway as white ghosts,
to the Nightshade’s muted horn.
Troubled gardens are rarely Mum
on muggy summer eves.

Nearing dawn’s Canterbury Bells
with Monkshood pulled down low,
the local friar will chime a plea
to restore the Morning Glory.

----------------------------------------
(Note:Flowers are capitalized.)
----------------------------------------

Avant-garde-n

inspired by Erthona's 'Planting Season'

(Geoff edit1) Thanks!

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when she drank a Hemlock brew.

The Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the garden’s loss.
Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.

Moonflowers sway as white ghosts,
to the Nightshade’s muted horn.
Troubled gardens are rarely Mum
on muggy summer eves.

Nearing dawn’s Canterbury Bells
with Monkshood pulled down low,
the local friar will chime a plea
to restore the Morning Glory.


----------------------------------------
(Note:Flowers are capitalized.)
----------------------------------------

inspired by Erthona's 'Planting Season'

Avant-garde-n

Moonflowers dance, as white ghosts,
to the Nightshade’s muted horn.
Troubled gardens are rarely Mum
on muggy summer eves.

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.

Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when Susan drank a Hemlock brew.
The Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the senseless loss.

Nearing dawn’s Canterbury Bells
with Monkshood pulled down low,
the local friar will chime a plea
to restore our Morning Glory.

[geoff]

Hello Christopher. Here are some thoughts to ponder,

inspired by Erthona's 'Planting Season'

Avant-garde-n

Moonflowers dance, as white ghosts, ...I think the simile weakens the image a bit here. Could moonflowers work in a way to actually 'make' them the ghosts? I also would have liked another word besides "dance"; flowers and "dancing" is not quite as fresh an image. Describing the way they are dancing could really make the image pop. On another note, I am enjoying the flowers you picked throughout the piece (moonflowers, nightshade, etc.)
to the Nightshade’s muted horn.....nice line
Troubled gardens are rarely Mum ...perhaps I'm missing something, but the "troubled" catches me off-guard. To this point, I can't sense the problem, making the line feel a bit out of place
on muggy summer eves.

...having read the whole poem a few time, this is a stanza that didn't really fit with the rest of the poem for me, which is a shame because I did like the imagery. There is a story of sorts that really kicks off in the next stanza. Perhaps if the "ghosts" could be tied in to the "tragedy" seen later, but I might just be going for straws here, or just missing something entirely.

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.

Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when Susan drank a Hemlock brew.
The Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the senseless loss....in some ways, I feel this stanza and the one above should be switched. It would explain the "tragedy" of stanza two and also the foreshadowing of "troubled" in stanza one. "Senseless loss" feels a bit dramatic to me

Nearing dawn’s Canterbury Bells
with Monkshood pulled down low,
the local friar will chime a plea
to restore our Morning Glory....we got this far without a you or I; the "our" struck me as out of place

Props for the flower references, many of which I had to dig for a bit to better understand, though there are more I am sure I am missing. I'm not fully sure what I'm supposed to take from the piece as a whole. There appears to be subplots that at the moment I'm struggling with (the religious aspects, the tragedy), but it may just require even further reads. Thanks for the poem; I hope this offers something useful

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Christopher. Here are some thoughts to ponder,

inspired by Erthona's 'Planting Season'

Avant-garde-n

Moonflowers dance, as white ghosts, ...I think the simile weakens the image a bit here. Could moonflowers work in a way to actually 'make' them the ghosts? I also would have liked another word besides "dance"; flowers and "dancing" is not quite as fresh an image. Describing the way they are dancing could really make the image pop. On another note, I am enjoying the flowers you picked throughout the piece (moonflowers, nightshade, etc.)
to the Nightshade’s muted horn.....nice line
Troubled gardens are rarely Mum ...perhaps I'm missing something, but the "troubled" catches me off-guard. To this point, I can't sense the problem, making the line feel a bit out of place
on muggy summer eves.

...having read the whole poem a few time, this is a stanza that didn't really fit with the rest of the poem for me, which is a shame because I did like the imagery. There is a story of sorts that really kicks off in the next stanza. Perhaps if the "ghosts" could be tied in to the "tragedy" seen later, but I might just be going for straws here, or just missing something entirely.

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.

Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when Susan drank a Hemlock brew.
The Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the senseless loss....in some ways, I feel this stanza and the one above should be switched. It would explain the "tragedy" of stanza two and also the foreshadowing of "troubled" in stanza one. "Senseless loss" feels a bit dramatic to me

Nearing dawn’s Canterbury Bells
with Monkshood pulled down low,
the local friar will chime a plea
to restore our Morning Glory....we got this far without a you or I; the "our" struck me as out of place

Props for the flower references, many of which I had to dig for a bit to better understand, though there are more I am sure I am missing. I'm not fully sure what I'm supposed to take from the piece as a whole. There appears to be subplots that at the moment I'm struggling with (the religious aspects, the tragedy), but it may just require even further reads. Thanks for the poem; I hope this offers something useful

Thanks Geoff for the read and thorough critique! I did have all of the flowers in italics at one point and could restore that, but they are all in Caps now. The tragedy is Susan being abused by her preacher husband and taking her own life as a result. The flower names themselves created the plot and religious references and contrasting hypocrisy. The plot is somewhat self evident, although motivations have been left to the reader.

You have some good points about the stanza placement, as I have moved them more than once. Agreed, that stanza two and three could be switched out. Moreover, the Moonflowers may 'sway' better as the penultimate stanza to summarize this troubled garden before the restoration of peace in the close.

Additionally, the moonflowers could be swaying ghosts (metaphor verses simile). A substitute for 'senseless loss' should be easy enough. I thought closing with possessive might add more reality to the scene, but I see your point and that is easy to change.

Much obliged for your time and advice. Cheers/Chris

---

Edit 1 posted, thank you Geoff! I still haven't found a way to make the Moonflowers ghosts, but I think I have rearranged the stanzas and lines better and made some recommended word substitutions.

[Erthona]

Chris,

I think this is pretty clear in terms of intent, there is some ambiguity that needs cleaning up. In this stanza:

"The Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the garden’s loss.
Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked."

The "her" in "Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit" could be mistaken for "Viola".

Maybe:

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when she drank a Hemlock brew.

Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.
Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the garden’s loss.

I think some meter and /or rhyme would help move this along better i.e., (just an example, not a suggestion)


Bleeding Hearts now lament,
for Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
the dreadful hour was Four O’clock
when she consumed her Hemlock tea.

That's four feet lines of accentual verse with a xaxa rhyme pattern.

I think the core of this is fine, also very clever, but considering the length I think (purely personal) some meter and/or rhyme would give it some energy to help it along.

Dale

[geoff]

Hello Chris,

This edit reads much more clearly to me and I think it brings out the intentions more strongly. The ordering of events strikes me as being a bit more logical. I think capitals for the flowers works better than italics so I'm glad that is what you opted for.

The "troubled gardens...eves" bit still does not strike me as necessary; it feels like the speaker is stepping back to summarize and disengages me from the action, but that is personal taste. A nice job editing.

-geoff

[ChristopherSea]

Dale, I appreciate your careful read and sage suggestions on this little experiment. Especially, for catching that error I made while switching lines between two stanzas, thereby losing track of the 'her's. I edited far too quickly in my response to some of Geoff's concerns.

Always feel free to rearrange poetry lines as a critiquing method. I find it the best way to get points across and to suggest alternate edits. In fact, I may make that same one that you demonstrated. The rhyme recommendation is a good one, at least with what you did. I will need to iron out the free verse version first. It will take me time, but I will give it a whirl.

Your 'planting season' really got my chlorophyll pumping, so I decided to try and compose a poem with a plot (pun intended) from various flower/plant names. I am glad that you liked the idea. Thanks much for your time and efforts with this! I needed another green thumb for this garden./Chris

[Erthona]

"plot"

[ChristopherSea]

Edit2 is posted, thanks for the help folks!

[Erthona]

Chris,

Why is "dawn’s" possessive?

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

Chris,

Why is "dawn’s" possessive?

Dale

That is a a good question! It's a matter of anthropomorphizing, I suppose, like the difference between saying morning light or morning's light. In this case where the plant life is animated there is probably no reason to make dawn alive as well. Nonetheless, for some reason, it sounds better possessive to me.

[Erthona]

"My new watercolor: 'Birches Winter Stand'/Chris "

This is a nice one also, but I miss the other one, it made me feel blue!


Dale

[ChristopherSea]

"My new watercolor: 'Birches Winter Stand'/Chris "

This is a nice one also, but I miss the other one, it made me feel blue!


Dale

Pleased to depress you!

Hey, getting back to the poem edit above, what about my explanation for the use of 'dawn's'. Does it wash for you?

[ChristopherSea]

(Dale/Geoff edit3) is posted, I took Dale's advice and added rhyme (slant rhyme that is). Thanks again.

[jeremyyoung]

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Four O’clock was the dreadful hour when she drank a Hemlock tea.

Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit should rightly be defrocked.
Viola bows a stirring Blues to assuage the garden shock.

Moonflowers sway as white ghosts, to the Nightshade’s muted horn.
Troubled gardens are rarely Mum on muggy summer morns.

Nearing dawn’s Canterbury Bells, a Monkshood shrouds his eyes,
the local friar will chime a plea for Morning Glory reprise.

[ChristopherSea]

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Four O’clock was the dreadful hour when she drank a Hemlock tea.

Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit should rightly be defrocked.
Viola bows a stirring Blues to assuage the garden shock.

Moonflowers sway as white ghosts, to the Nightshade’s muted horn.
Troubled gardens are rarely Mum on muggy summer morns.

Nearing dawn’s Canterbury Bells, a Monkshood shrouds his eyes,
the local friar will chime a plea for Morning Glory reprise.

Yes, that works too jeremy. Much obliged for your read and sharing your long line version.

[jeremyyoung]

Rhyming couplets Christopher rhyming couplets

[ChristopherSea]

Rhyming couplets Christopher rhyming couplets

Yes, I see them. Perhaps, they just look gangly to me and I need a prompt to take a breath. I will think about restructuring the piece.

[Erthona]

Chris,

Chris wrote: "Hey, getting back to the poem edit above, what about my explanation for the use of 'dawn's'. Does it wash for you? "

Not really unless Dawn possesses the Canterbury Bells. In this last version I would suggest a comma after dawn, and remove the comma from Bells. As:

"Nearing dawn, Canterbury Bells
with Monkshood shrouding eyes,

back to the possessive dawn.

Are the "Canterbury Bells" not with the "Monkshood" watching false dawn?

Unless "Dawn" is a girl who owns said "Canterbury Bells", I see no way this is possessive. Unless, the "Canterbury Bells" are an attribute of the dawn, as in "the dawn's early light."


Dale

[ChristopherSea]

Chris,

Chris wrote: "Hey, getting back to the poem edit above, what about my explanation for the use of 'dawn's'. Does it wash for you? "

Not really unless Dawn possesses the Canterbury Bells. In this last version I would suggest a comma after dawn, and remove the comma from Bells. As:

"Nearing dawn, Canterbury Bells
with Monkshood shrouding eyes,

back to the possessive dawn.

Are the "Canterbury Bells" not with the "Monkshood" watching false dawn?

Unless "Dawn" is a girl who owns said "Canterbury Bells", I see no way this is possessive. Unless, the "Canterbury Bells" are an attribute of the dawn, as in "the dawn's early light."


Dale

Well Dale, the canterbury bells were to belong to dawn (the morning as a anthropomorphic entity). The Friar has his monkshood shielding his own eyes as he approaches the bells. He will ring the dawn's bells to chime for morning glory. Does that make any sense to you? I don't think what I have now conveys the above message according to your recommendations. Therefore, I changed it back to 'dawn's.' Thanks so much for staying with me on this one./Chris