entropy v4

[crow]

entropy

His big scared eye stares, vacant, pink, dumb,
and as offensive as a broken clock.
I toss him. He tumbles, freezes, shocked.
A teary scotch heats my belly numb.
My brother baits me, "One?" And off he slumps
into the kitchen for a beer. They're gone.
Talks about how they talked about the law,
of all things, the fawn, at the freezer, crumbling.

I want a wolf to cover us in blood,
rip their heads off, eat the patient doctors,
fling the stocks, the shots, the muzzles, scatter pharmacies like Jesus, get drunk,
howl down the moon, then pop some suds,
and toast that fucking rabbit.

But, on the other hand, there's entropy . . .

Cutting brush at noon today, I saw
a green tail glide over broken holly
leaves, slowly, poorly camouflaged.
It was Christmas, sleeting, and I thought,
it's sub-freezing. Aren't snakes under rocks,
hidden? And I wondered what had got
him, what had scared him into the stinging frost
And I thought, "Can a snake get cold? Can a snake feel lost?"

My father saw it and took a hoe and chopped
its neck. Or another snake's. They look a lot
the same. He tried to toss it, but it got
caught in a tree, where it hangs. My brother's lost.
He finally pulls in past three. He pauses,
Breathes, and walks across the way, faceless.

My father grins and hugs him around the neck,
and a cop turns around in the cul-de-sec,
and it seems like no one finds this place except
on accident. I take off my gloves, and in
no time flat, the heat goes out of them,
and I sit down behind a pile of leaves
and pretend I’m somewhere else, where there is

No help, and therefore there is no need.
Where the wolves would have you long before the grief.


--I'm looking for help w meter, but let me know if you think there's other issues or if you think the meter's fine

[Truerenigma]

entropy

His big scared eye stares, vacant, pink, dumb,
and as offensive as a broken clock.
I toss him. He tumbles, freezes, shocked.
A teary scotch heats my belly numb.
My brother baits me, "One?" And off he slumps
into the kitchen for a beer. They're gone.
Talks about how they talked about the law,
of all things, the fawn, at the freezer, crumbling.

I want a wolf to cover us in blood,
rip their heads off, eat the patient doctors,
fling the stocks, the shots, the muzzles, scatter pharmacies like Jesus, get drunk,
howl down the moon, then pop some suds,
and toast that fucking rabbit.

But, on the other hand, there's entropy . . .

Cutting brush at noon today, I saw
a green tail glide over broken holly
leaves, slowly, poorly camouflaged.
It was Christmas, sleeting, and I thought,
it's sub-freezing. Aren't snakes under rocks,
hidden? And I wondered what had got
him, what had scared him into the stinging frost
And I thought, "Can a snake get cold? Can a snake feel lost?"

My father saw it and took a hoe and chopped
its neck. Or another snake's. They look a lot
the same. He tried to toss it, but it got
caught in a tree, where it hangs. My brother's lost.
He finally pulls in past three. He pauses,
Breathes, and walks across the way, faceless.

My father grins and hugs him around the neck,
and a cop turns around in the cul-de-sec,
and it seems like no one finds this place except
on accident. I take off my gloves, and in
no time flat, the heat goes out of them,
and I sit down behind a pile of leaves
and pretend I’m somewhere else, where there is

No help, and therefore there is no need.
Where the wolves would have you long before the grief.


--I'm looking for help w meter, but let me know if you think there's other issues or if you think the meter's fine

I'm having trouble detecting it. were you aiming for i.p.? You have mixed feet and no set amount of them per line. This is a lot for me to go through type out the scan myself. perhaps you could show me your scan and I can show you where you've erred, which may be more illuminating for you anyway. If you like you can ask a mod to move it to milo's forum for mentoring, and I'll help you work out your feet, as well as some other things. You clearly are looking for help and want to learn, but it's going to take a lot of back and forth (and time) and I don't want everyone else to be perpetually getting *bumped* out of the way.

[milo]

entropy

His big scared eye stares, vacant, pink, dumb,
and as offensive as a broken clock.
I toss him. He tumbles, freezes, shocked. iTOSS himheTUM blesFREE zesSHOCKED
A teary scotch heats my belly numb. aTEA rySCOTCH HEATSmy BELly NUMB
My brother baits me, "One?" And off he slumps
into the kitchen for a beer. They're gone.
Talks about how they talked about the law, TALKSa BOUTHOW theyTALKED aBOUT theLAW
of all things, the fawn, at the freezer, crumbling. ofALL THINGSthe FAWNat theFREE zerCRUMB ling

I want a wolf to cover us in blood,
rip their heads off, eat the patient doctors,
fling the stocks, the shots, the muzzles, scatter pharmacies like Jesus, get drunk,
howl down the moon, then pop some suds,
and toast that fucking rabbit.

But, on the other hand, there's entropy . . .

Cutting brush at noon today, I saw
a green tail glide over broken holly aGREEN tailGLIDE Over BROken HOLly
leaves, slowly, poorly camouflaged.
It was Christmas, sleeting, and I thought,
it's sub-freezing. Aren't snakes under rocks, it'sFREE zingarentSNAKES underROCKS
hidden? And I wondered what had got
him, what had scared him into the stinging frost [/b]himWHAT hadSCARED himinTO theSTING ingFROST[/b]
And I thought, "Can a snake get cold? Can a snake feel lost?" andiTHOUGHT canaSNAKE getCOLD canaSNAKE feelLOST

My father saw it and took a hoe and chopped myFA therSAW itandTOOK aHOE andCHOPPED
its neck. Or another snake's. They look a lot itsNECK oraNO therSNAKES theyLOOK aLOT
the same. He tried to toss it, but it got
caught in a tree, where it hangs. My brother's lost. CAUGHT inaTREE whereitHANGS myBRO thersLOST *
He finally pulls in past three. He pauses, heFIN nallyPULLS INpast THREE
Breathes, and walks across the way, faceless.

My father grins and hugs him around the neck, myFATH erGRINS andHUGS HIMa ROUNDthe NECK
and a cop turns around in the cul-de-sec, andaCOP turnsaROUND intheCUL deSAC
and it seems like no one finds this place except anditSEEMS likeNO oneFINDS thisPLACE exCEPT
on accident. I take off my gloves, and in onAC ciDENT iTAKE offmyGLOVES and IN
no time flat, the heat goes out of them,
and I sit down behind a pile of leaves andiSIT DOWNbe HINDa PILEof LEAVES
and pretend I’m somewhere else, where there is andpreTEND imSOME whereELSE wherethereIS*

No help, and therefore there is no need. noHELP andTHERE forethereIS noNEED
Where the wolves would have you long before the grief. wheretheWOLVES wouldHAVE youLONG beFORE theGRIEF


--I'm looking for help w meter, but let me know if you think there's other issues or if you think the meter's fine

I scanned the irregularities for you.

[Truerenigma]

entropy

His big scared eye stares, vacant, pink, dumb,
and as offensive as a broken clock.
I toss him. He tumbles, freezes, shocked. iTOSS himheTUM blesFREE zesSHOCKED
A teary scotch heats my belly numb. aTEA rySCOTCH HEATSmy BELly NUMB
My brother baits me, "One?" And off he slumps
into the kitchen for a beer. They're gone.
Talks about how they talked about the law, TALKSa BOUTHOW theyTALKED aBOUT theLAW
of all things, the fawn, at the freezer, crumbling. ofALL THINGSthe FAWNat theFREE zerCRUMB ling

I want a wolf to cover us in blood,
rip their heads off, eat the patient doctors,
fling the stocks, the shots, the muzzles, scatter pharmacies like Jesus, get drunk,
howl down the moon, then pop some suds,
and toast that fucking rabbit.

But, on the other hand, there's entropy . . .

Cutting brush at noon today, I saw
a green tail glide over broken holly aGREEN tailGLIDE Over BROken HOLly
leaves, slowly, poorly camouflaged.
It was Christmas, sleeting, and I thought,
it's sub-freezing. Aren't snakes under rocks, it'sFREE zingarentSNAKES underROCKS
hidden? And I wondered what had got
him, what had scared him into the stinging frost [/b]himWHAT hadSCARED himinTO theSTING ingFROST[/b]
And I thought, "Can a snake get cold? Can a snake feel lost?" andiTHOUGHT canaSNAKE getCOLD canaSNAKE feelLOST

My father saw it and took a hoe and chopped myFA therSAW itandTOOK aHOE andCHOPPED
its neck. Or another snake's. They look a lot itsNECK oraNO therSNAKES theyLOOK aLOT
the same. He tried to toss it, but it got
caught in a tree, where it hangs. My brother's lost. CAUGHT inaTREE whereitHANGS myBRO thersLOST *
He finally pulls in past three. He pauses, heFIN nallyPULLS INpast THREE
Breathes, and walks across the way, faceless.

My father grins and hugs him around the neck, myFATH erGRINS andHUGS HIMa ROUNDthe NECK
and a cop turns around in the cul-de-sec, andaCOP turnsaROUND intheCUL deSAC
and it seems like no one finds this place except anditSEEMS likeNO oneFINDS thisPLACE exCEPT
on accident. I take off my gloves, and in onAC ciDENT iTAKE offmyGLOVES and IN
no time flat, the heat goes out of them,
and I sit down behind a pile of leaves andiSIT DOWNbe HINDa PILEof LEAVES
and pretend I’m somewhere else, where there is andpreTEND imSOME whereELSE wherethereIS*

No help, and therefore there is no need. noHELP andTHERE forethereIS noNEED
Where the wolves would have you long before the grief. wheretheWOLVES wouldHAVE youLONG beFORE theGRIEF


--I'm looking for help w meter, but let me know if you think there's other issues or if you think the meter's fine

I scanned the irregularities for you.

you missed L1

[milo]

entropy

His big scared eye stares, vacant, pink, dumb,
and as offensive as a broken clock.
I toss him. He tumbles, freezes, shocked. iTOSS himheTUM blesFREE zesSHOCKED
A teary scotch heats my belly numb. aTEA rySCOTCH HEATSmy BELly NUMB
My brother baits me, "One?" And off he slumps
into the kitchen for a beer. They're gone.
Talks about how they talked about the law, TALKSa BOUTHOW theyTALKED aBOUT theLAW
of all things, the fawn, at the freezer, crumbling. ofALL THINGSthe FAWNat theFREE zerCRUMB ling

I want a wolf to cover us in blood,
rip their heads off, eat the patient doctors,
fling the stocks, the shots, the muzzles, scatter pharmacies like Jesus, get drunk,
howl down the moon, then pop some suds,
and toast that fucking rabbit.

But, on the other hand, there's entropy . . .

Cutting brush at noon today, I saw
a green tail glide over broken holly aGREEN tailGLIDE Over BROken HOLly
leaves, slowly, poorly camouflaged.
It was Christmas, sleeting, and I thought,
it's sub-freezing. Aren't snakes under rocks, it'sFREE zingarentSNAKES underROCKS
hidden? And I wondered what had got
him, what had scared him into the stinging frost [/b]himWHAT hadSCARED himinTO theSTING ingFROST[/b]
And I thought, "Can a snake get cold? Can a snake feel lost?" andiTHOUGHT canaSNAKE getCOLD canaSNAKE feelLOST

My father saw it and took a hoe and chopped myFA therSAW itandTOOK aHOE andCHOPPED
its neck. Or another snake's. They look a lot itsNECK oraNO therSNAKES theyLOOK aLOT
the same. He tried to toss it, but it got
caught in a tree, where it hangs. My brother's lost. CAUGHT inaTREE whereitHANGS myBRO thersLOST *
He finally pulls in past three. He pauses, heFIN nallyPULLS INpast THREE
Breathes, and walks across the way, faceless.

My father grins and hugs him around the neck, myFATH erGRINS andHUGS HIMa ROUNDthe NECK
and a cop turns around in the cul-de-sec, andaCOP turnsaROUND intheCUL deSAC
and it seems like no one finds this place except anditSEEMS likeNO oneFINDS thisPLACE exCEPT
on accident. I take off my gloves, and in onAC ciDENT iTAKE offmyGLOVES and IN
no time flat, the heat goes out of them,
and I sit down behind a pile of leaves andiSIT DOWNbe HINDa PILEof LEAVES
and pretend I’m somewhere else, where there is andpreTEND imSOME whereELSE wherethereIS*

No help, and therefore there is no need. noHELP andTHERE forethereIS noNEED
Where the wolves would have you long before the grief. wheretheWOLVES wouldHAVE youLONG beFORE theGRIEF


--I'm looking for help w meter, but let me know if you think there's other issues or if you think the meter's fine

I scanned the irregularities for you.

you missed L1

hisBIG scaredEYE staresVA cantPINK (caes)DUMB

it is normal, no reason to call it out. The main problem opening this way is all of the demotion I have to do reading it - words like scared and stares really want the accent but they are demoted.

[Truerenigma]

FLINgthe STOCKSthe SHOTSthe MUZZles, SCATter PHARMa CIESlike JESus, getDRUNK,

[milo]

FLINgthe STOCKSthe SHOTSthe MUZZles, SCATter PHARMa CIESlike JESus, getDRUNK,

that line is fine - all trochaic with one iamb

[Truerenigma]

FLINgthe STOCKSthe SHOTSthe MUZZles, SCATter PHARMa CIESlike JESus, getDRUNK,

that line is fine - all trochaic with one iamb

Of course it's all trochaic with one iamb. how do I know that it's fine? I have know idea if that is what the author intended. what exactly are we doing here?

[milo]

FLINgthe STOCKSthe SHOTSthe MUZZles, SCATter PHARMa CIESlike JESus, getDRUNK,

that line is fine - all trochaic with one iamb

Of course it's all trochaic with one iamb. how do I know that it's fine? I have know idea if that is what the author intended. what exactly are we doing here?

well, there is no set meter for the poem so i figured best bet would be to call out lines that don't work in verse at all.

the poem seems to fluctuate between iambic and trochaic and since you can read/write a poem switching between the two I decided to use that as the benchmark.

[Truerenigma]

that line is fine - all trochaic with one iamb

Of course it's all trochaic with one iamb. how do I know that it's fine? I have know idea if that is what the author intended. what exactly are we doing here?

well, there is no set meter for the poem so i figured best bet would be to call out lines that don't work in verse at all.

the poem seems to fluctuate between iambic and trochaic and since you can read/write a poem switching between the two I decided to use that as the benchmark.

Oh, Okay.

[crow]

Could you ask to have it moved? Much obliged. I'll work on my own scansion in the meantime.

---

I guess it's pushing through the screw-it moments that makes you good eventually, and I've had a dozen with this one. But I'm learning to take it, which is awesome. I can't believe how responsive y'all have been tonight. Such a blessing

[Truerenigma]

Could you ask to have it moved? Much obliged. I'll work on my own scansion in the meantime.

---

I guess it's pushing through the screw-it moments that makes you good eventually, and I've had a dozen with this one. But I'm learning to take it, which is awesome. I can't believe how responsive y'all have been tonight. Such a blessing

he's around here somewhere, probably sniffing for cheese.

[milo]

Could you ask to have it moved? Much obliged. I'll work on my own scansion in the meantime.

---

I guess it's pushing through the screw-it moments that makes you good eventually, and I've had a dozen with this one. But I'm learning to take it, which is awesome. I can't believe how responsive y'all have been tonight. Such a blessing

he's around here somewhere, probably sniffing for cheese.

I would suggest making a new mentoring thread so not to have it mucked up.

[Truerenigma]

Could you ask to have it moved? Much obliged. I'll work on my own scansion in the meantime.

---

I guess it's pushing through the screw-it moments that makes you good eventually, and I've had a dozen with this one. But I'm learning to take it, which is awesome. I can't believe how responsive y'all have been tonight. Such a blessing

he's around here somewhere, probably sniffing for cheese.

I would suggest making a new mentoring thread so not to have it mucked up.

Probably a good idea. See you there crow.

[crow]

Milo--gratzie. Very very extremely helpful

[cheyrn]

I'm a novice. I read it as sort of tumbling fluidly and occasionally stopping in one place where the rhythm repeated, before tumbling again. I didn't go through all of emphasis.l I only looked at a couple of lines and they matched the rhythm that I had read the words in.

My novice eyes see nothing wrong and I am commenting on it because it captured my attention. The type of meter irregularities that I see as a problem are, when most of the poem has coherent sections of the same rhythm, but one line sticks out suddenly, for no apparent reason other than to fit the words. Or, when an unusual use of syllables is required before a rhyming word that would hint at where the emphasis goes.

Oh, also. I'm not sure how to describe it. But, words that have a non-fluid rhythm but have a poetic quality are different than when the words are prose in oddly small sentences. (This one is fluid, as I read it, so not one of these two descriptions).

Did I mention that I am a novice? I'm a novice.