haiku sort of by inferior human

[cheyrn]

Thanks you so much for the advice. It was very useful. Best wishes.

[ellajam]

I don't think that this demonstrates my most important problems with writing, and I didn't want my first poem to be a haiku. But, I just thought of this, so:

fallen baby birds
gentle dog and friend of mine
killing birds for fun

I think it's too blunt, for one thing.

Hi, cheyrn, a few suggestions:

L2: Cut "and friend of mine", using either gentle dog or friendly dog.

L3: Cut "bird", using killing for fun, killer instinct, or just "killing".

Strong image, hope this helps.

[cheyrn]

a message

[billy]

i like the marked differences between gentle and killing. is there a name for a baby bird which could be used?

[FancifulDreamer]

I like this haiku in the original form. It provides a decent contrast. I think maybe different descriptive words should be used [for the second line] because, in my opinion, both are gentle, but the dog is playful rather than gentle. Just my thought.

[cheyrn]

a message

[FancifulDreamer]

falling booby bird?
infrequent flyers?
wind swept hatchlings?
chewy chick snacks?

I'll have to think about it some more.

I agree about playful being more appropriate.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to put a poem together where I won't be crushed if it's torn to shreds... hehe.

Good luck. (Is that a pun you used about it being torn to shreds?)

[cheyrn]

a message

[ellajam]

ha,

chewy chick snacks

fallen hatchlings is pretty nice.

[cheyrn]

a message

[ChristopherSea]

fallen hatchlings
playful dog
killing

Hey Cheryn, What do you think about:

fallen hatchlings
playful dog
killing spree

It puts a real ironic exclamation point on that final line!
Cheers/Chris

[cheyrn]

a message

[ChristopherSea]

ellajam's criticism made the poem less obvious and more "poetic", I thought. I also agree about it not being clear from gentle dog that it was playful.

I usually get some sort of image from an expression like "killing spree", but I'm still searching my memory to think of what that is usually applied to.

I have visiting rights to a very gentle dog. He is never frightened by strangers and very happy and calm and harmless. Then when a nest fell out of a tree he was playing with them while killing them, before I could get there. It was the first time I had seen anything violent in him.

It was more than one bird, and killing spree implies that. I'm unsure.

It's not the acuracy of the story that I was addressing. It's the fact that the gentlest of beasts still has feral instincts. 'Killing' just sat there for me, but killing spree (or something like that) emblazed the piece with vivid imagery and some deviant anthropomorpism, albeit disturbing. I like ku's with high impact!

[cheyrn]

a message

[just mercedes]

feeding
the puppy -
fallen hatchlings

[cheyrn]

a message

[ellajam]

fallen hatchlings
playful dog
killing jamboree

I like jamboree, nice touch.