Cycle

[Zainabk]

Cycle

Orange crimson glow
Across the scissored edge
Incandescent waves of yellow
Fingering dulled lights
Plumes of black feathers frightened
Ribbons of purple dragon tongues darting towards them

Orb of energy dismounts the grass
Cantering slowly above

Unlit slumbering earth
Awakens
Shadows run far only to be eaten for lunch and regurgitated later

Darkness lifts its moth eaten head
Revealing a rainbow of color
Un-muffled voices resonate across the playground
Free to sing their rhymes

Unbeknownst to the orchestra
The grimness hides
Ready to catch all
When the light saves the other side.

[Insideaus]

One line strikes out at me "fingering dulled lights." I really really just gravitate toward this line.

[Swoonjet]

I really like the imagery here. The contrasting themes work well. Light and Dark. Color and Shadow. Some really great word choices too. Took me a bit to find a good rhythm but I think I found it and it works. When I read this, I see flying saucers and mythical creatures set against a seemingly empty pre-dawn urban wilderness.

[Humbert]

"Darkness lifts its moth eaten head"

I really liked that line

[justcloudy]

Hi Zainabk,

A simple question-- what are you trying to get across with this poem? It seems too random to have substance. Some lines are nice but they mean nothing without anything backing them up.

-justcloudy

[Zainabk]

Thanks for the feedback. It's supposed to be a description of the sunrise taking over the night.
Let me see how I can improve it.

[justcloudy]

Knowing that it's supposed to be a sunrise definitely helped me understand it more, but it's still very unclear. Basically it's much too vague. Your readers still want to get something out of your poem, and if they have no idea what you're talking about any fancy or clever descriptions you write will be for naught. For example the shadows line is clever, but makes no sense out of context.

Try to break this down and figure out how you want to point your readers in the right direction.

Also, I don't think it's technically possible to "canter slowly".

-justcloudy

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Zain,

'Cycle' may capture your alternating interval of sunrise and sunset, but it seems too simple a title for the rich imagery that follows. However, it does suffice as a clue to the theme. As a painter of watercolors, I can really appreciate the full palette that you used herein. This is rich in metaphor as well, but perhaps a more central one would serve the piece better (e.g. Apollo pursuing a Gryphon). With feathers, dragons, steeds, eating, vomitting, sleeping and singing, it is rather busy. Additionally, if you want to stick with no punctuation, your should minimally cap only the first word of each sentence for better reader guidance and poem flow. Nonetheless, I like grand visuals. Good luck with your next edit! Cheers/Chris