HMS Glory

[Keith]

Edit 1

When uncle Frank came back,
he said he’d been held
behind bamboo walls
while his body ate itself.
Edna gave him rice pudding,
it nearly killed her.

He gave away a bayonet
and a black-sashed HMS hat,
things like that scared him.
I hung them on my wall,
but they still shook
when a door slammed.

The chip shop round the corner
changed hands to Mr Yip,
so future fish suppers
were caught in the Volvo.
Edna complained
it was too far to drive,
so she cooked.

Frank liked a pint
on a Friday night with the lads
at the Labour club,
mellowed by sitting too long
in his chair, broken by
heart and panic attacks.

I was his taxi collecting at ten
so Edna could relax and meet
with her friends.
Then belching bitter,
he asked me to stop and went
inside Mr Yips for a nice piece of Cod.

He said he’d forgot why he was so angry
and that Mr Yip seemed a very nice man,
too young to even remember the war,
I called him a pillock and said “that’s his son”
and that was it, just like that,
Frank asked me could he have his hat back
and told me all about the black sash.

Original
When uncle Frank came back,
he said he’d been in a prison
and his body had eaten itself.
Edna gave him rice pudding
with a blob of jam,
it nearly killed her.

He gave away a bayonet
and a HMS hat with a black sash,
things like that scared him.
I hung them on my wall,
but they still shook,
when a door slammed.

The chip shop round the corner
changed to Mr Yips,
so future fish suppers
were caught in the Volvo.
Edna complained
it was too far to drive,
so she cooked.

Frank liked a pint
on a Friday night with the lads
at the Labour club,
mellowed by sitting to long
in his chair, broken by
heart and panic attacks,

I was his taxi collecting at ten
so Edna could relax and meet
with her friends.
Then belching bitter,
he asked me to stop and went
inside Mr Yips chip shop.

He said he’d forgot why he was so angry
and that Mr Yip seemed a very nice man,
too young to even remember the war,
I called him a pillock and said “that’s his son”
and that was it, just like that
Frank asked me could he have his hat back,
and told me all about the black sash.

[Leanne]

Keith, sometimes you write things I just can't critique. This is powerful and quite astonishing. At first I was wondering where you were going, thinking this was just another case of an old bloke mouldering in his house and missing out on the world... then you made the world change for him. I do think the rice pudding lines could be a little clearer -- there's no confusion about the pudding situation itself, but a comma after that line doesn't work well and it does read as if the jam was responsible for her near-death.

The last stanza is poignant and -- I hesitate to say, but will anyway -- damn near perfect.

[nicksherman]

I really enjoyed this, and though I'd like to offer more of a critique, there just isn't much I'd change. My only suggestion would be that the second to last stanza seems to rhyme, whereas, the rest do not. It kind of throws of the flow of the poem a bit. It's nitpicky, but that's all I could come up with as a critique because it's so good.

[justcloudy]

Loved this Keith. I did have to look up a few things-- Mr Yips for example. But that didn't really take away. From what I understood from Google the black sash was just the name of the ship, so when you say "and told me all about the black sash." you mean he was talking about life on the ship?

Per Leanne's comment, I understood the blob of jam to be red, looked like blood, he freaked out and almost killed Edna (his wife?) before he realized what he was doing. But maybe I'm over dramatizing. That's what it seemed like to me though.

About the last couple stanzas, I agree with nick above that the penultimate rhymes so nicely with such good rhythm that it did throw me off a bit. I didn't understand "Mr Yips chip shop" because it isn't a chip shop anymore, right? Also who did the narrator call a pillock (another word I had to look up)... Mr Yip or the uncle? And if the uncle is literally saying "that's my boy" then "that's his son" shouldn't really be in quotes, right?

Just thoughts. Maybe I'm just getting confused too easily. Overall really enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.

-justcloudy

[billy]

the black sash is the band that goes round a sailors hat and bears the name of the ship. in this case hms glory; kieth can correct me if i'm wrong. the glory was a pretty famous british aircraft carrier that ended up being obsolete, it played a role in the surrender of the Japanese

to the poem;
what isn't to like. frank's shell shock would probably be called post distress order or something like in our times.
i think you captured a crusty old sea salt who really couldn't give the sea no matter how he tried. and that the navy was more the man's life than his demise. it something i will read again and would do were it a published poem. this is one of the best poems on the site and something up and coming poets should strive to emulate (the quality)
can fault be found with it..of course mine is

and a HMS hat with a black sash,

could have been better worded

and a black-sashed HMS hat

to make it seen the the sash is part of the hat

but that's nothing in the scheme of things and the poem stands good as is.
if you do edit don't over do it less a really good poem is ruined.
thanks for the read. (can't believe you wrote this, it's amazing how well you've matured as the poet) :J:

[Brownlie]

When uncle Frank came back,
he said he’d been in a prison
and his body had eaten itself.
Edna gave him rice pudding
with a blob of jam,
it nearly killed her.

He gave away a bayonet
and a HMS hat with a black sash,
things like that scared him.
I hung them on my wall,
but they still shook,
when a door slammed.

The chip shop round the corner
changed to Mr Yips,
so future fish suppers
were caught in the Volvo.
Edna complained
it was too far to drive,
so she cooked.

Frank liked a pint
on a Friday night with the lads
at the Labour club,
mellowed by sitting to long
in his chair, broken by
heart and panic attacks,

I was his taxi collecting at ten
so Edna could relax and meet
with her friends.
Then belching bitter,
he asked me to stop and went
inside Mr Yips chip shop.

He said he’d forgot why he was so angry
and that Mr Yip seemed a very nice man,
too young to even remember the war,
I called him a pillock and said “that’s his son”
and that was it, just like that
Frank asked me could he have his hat back,
and told me all about the black sash.

Cool poem. Did you mean sitting too long? This reminds me of the opening lines of Richard 3 by shakespeare where Richard says: now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths,/ our bruised arms hung up for monuments,/ our stern alarums changed to merry meetings,/ our dreadful marches to delightful measures

[gslegrá]

Keith, I like this poem. It tells a good story. Please change "sitting to long" to "sitting too long"...obsessive about those little things...but overall BRILLIANT!! (see you got all caps!)

[Keith]

Keith, sometimes you write things I just can't critique. This is powerful and quite astonishing. At first I was wondering where you were going, thinking this was just another case of an old bloke mouldering in his house and missing out on the world... then you made the world change for him. I do think the rice pudding lines could be a little clearer -- there's no confusion about the pudding situation itself, but a comma after that line doesn't work well and it does read as if the jam was responsible for her near-death.

The last stanza is poignant and -- I hesitate to say, but will anyway -- damn near perfect.

Leanne you really are too kind, but thank you anyway, I didn't have the Jam in the first draft so I may just take it out, thanks for pointing it out and I will sort the comma. Best Keith

---

I really enjoyed this, and though I'd like to offer more of a critique, there just isn't much I'd change. My only suggestion would be that the second to last stanza seems to rhyme, whereas, the rest do not. It kind of throws of the flow of the poem a bit. It's nitpicky, but that's all I could come up with as a critique because it's so good.

I know what you mean about the rhyme throwing you off and its something i'm working on but I just can't leave it alone and they always seem to creep in when I'm not looking. Thanks for your kind comments Keith

---

Loved this Keith. I did have to look up a few things-- Mr Yips for example. But that didn't really take away. From what I understood from Google the black sash was just the name of the ship, so when you say "and told me all about the black sash." you mean he was talking about life on the ship?

Per Leanne's comment, I understood the blob of jam to be red, looked like blood, he freaked out and almost killed Edna (his wife?) before he realized what he was doing. But maybe I'm over dramatizing. That's what it seemed like to me though.

About the last couple stanzas, I agree with nick above that the penultimate rhymes so nicely with such good rhythm that it did throw me off a bit. I didn't understand "Mr Yips chip shop" because it isn't a chip shop anymore, right? Also who did the narrator call a pillock (another word I had to look up)... Mr Yip or the uncle? And if the uncle is literally saying "that's my boy" then "that's his son" shouldn't really be in quotes, right?

Just thoughts. Maybe I'm just getting confused too easily. Overall really enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.

-justcloudy

Hi Justcloudy thanks for taking the time to comment, I will try to fill in some of the blanks. Yip is just a name, yes Black sash is the ship, The narrator was calling his uncle a pillock so I thought the quotes were ok but I will check again. The chip shop just changed hands it was still a chip shop. Many thanks I will have a look in light of your comments thanks Keith

[justcloudy]

Might wanna change the name-- http://directory.thesun.co.uk/13815132. Apparently that's what it is.

[Keith]

the black sash is the band that goes round a sailors hat and bears the name of the ship. in this case hms glory; kieth can correct me if i'm wrong. the glory was a pretty famous british aircraft carrier that ended up being obsolete, it played a role in the surrender of the Japanese

to the poem;
what isn't to like. frank's shell shock would probably be called post distress order or something like in our times.
i think you captured a crusty old sea salt who really couldn't give the sea no matter how he tried. and that the navy was more the man's life than his demise. it something i will read again and would do were it a published poem. this is one of the best poems on the site and something up and coming poets should strive to emulate (the quality)
can fault be found with it..of course mine is

and a HMS hat with a black sash,

could have been better worded

and a black-sashed HMS hat

to make it seen the the sash is part of the hat

but that's nothing in the scheme of things and the poem stands good as is.
if you do edit don't over do it less a really good poem is ruined.
thanks for the read. (can't believe you wrote this, it's amazing how well you've matured as the poet) :J:

Many thanks,You are spot on Billy and too kind. I will of course consider changing the line as it sounds smoother and clarifies the line as you say , I did have it that way round originally but hat as the end rhyme seem to bump into That on the next line and I thought it seemed a little forced, what do you think ?

The site and everyone here has so much to offer, and some with outstanding ability so learning is made easy, I know I still have a long way to go so your words are very encouraging and its always nice to write one that people enjoy. Best Keith

---

Might wanna change the name-- http://directory.thesun.co.uk/13815132. Apparently that's what it is.

I cant seem to follow the link but Yip was the family name of a girl I went to school with and its Chinese to make more of the point.

---

When uncle Frank came back,
he said he’d been in a prison
and his body had eaten itself.
Edna gave him rice pudding
with a blob of jam,
it nearly killed her.

He gave away a bayonet
and a HMS hat with a black sash,
things like that scared him.
I hung them on my wall,
but they still shook,
when a door slammed.

The chip shop round the corner
changed to Mr Yips,
so future fish suppers
were caught in the Volvo.
Edna complained
it was too far to drive,
so she cooked.

Frank liked a pint
on a Friday night with the lads
at the Labour club,
mellowed by sitting to long
in his chair, broken by
heart and panic attacks,

I was his taxi collecting at ten
so Edna could relax and meet
with her friends.
Then belching bitter,
he asked me to stop and went
inside Mr Yips chip shop.

He said he’d forgot why he was so angry
and that Mr Yip seemed a very nice man,
too young to even remember the war,
I called him a pillock and said “that’s his son”
and that was it, just like that
Frank asked me could he have his hat back,
and told me all about the black sash.

Cool poem. Did you mean sitting too long? This reminds me of the opening lines of Richard 3 by shakespeare where Richard says: now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths,/ our bruised arms hung up for monuments,/ our stern alarums changed to merry meetings,/ our dreadful marches to delightful measures

Many thanks Brownlie I did mean too long so thanks I will change that I can honestly this is the first time anyone has considered a link between one of my poems and Shakespeare Best Keith

---

Keith, I like this poem. It tells a good story. Please change "sitting to long" to "sitting too long"...obsessive about those little things...but overall BRILLIANT!! (see you got all caps!)

I usually miss the caps as well thanks for pointing out the too I will get it changed. Best Keith

[justcloudy]

Apparently it's a big Chinese Take-away chain, literally called "Mr. Yip's" thus my confusion.

[Keith]

Apparently it's a big Chinese Take-away chain, literally called "Mr. Yip's" thus my confusion.

Ah now I see what you mean. I chose it because it rhymed with chips, I am a simple sole.

[billy]

Many thanks,You are spot on Billy and too kind. I will of course consider changing the line as it sounds smoother and clarifies the line as you say , I did have it that way round originally but hat as the end rhyme seem to bump into That on the next line and I thought it seemed a little forced, what do you think ?

The site and everyone here has so much to offer, and some with outstanding ability so learning is made easy, I know I still have a long way to go so your words are very encouraging and its always nice to write one that people enjoy. Best Keith

---

not sure but i think that's called internal rhyme and an odd internal rhyme can't do any harm :J:

[Keith]

Many thanks,You are spot on Billy and too kind. I will of course consider changing the line as it sounds smoother and clarifies the line as you say , I did have it that way round originally but hat as the end rhyme seem to bump into That on the next line and I thought it seemed a little forced, what do you think ?

The site and everyone here has so much to offer, and some with outstanding ability so learning is made easy, I know I still have a long way to go so your words are very encouraging and its always nice to write one that people enjoy. Best Keith

---

not sure but i think that's called internal rhyme and an odd internal rhyme can't do any harm :J:

I agree...I already nicked it

[Keith]

Edit 1

When uncle Frank came back,
he said he’d been captured,
held behind bamboo walls
while his body ate itself.
Edna gave him rice pudding, (semi-colon)
it nearly killed her.

He gave away a bayonet
and a black-sashed HMS hat, (semi-colon)
things like that scared him.
I hung them on my wall,
but they still shook, (no comma)
when a door slammed.

The chip shop round the corner
changed hands to Mr Yip,
so future fish suppers
were caught in the Volvo. (love these lines)
Edna complained
it was too far to drive, (no comma)
so she cooked.

Frank liked a pint
on a Friday night with the lads
at the Labour club,
mellowed by sitting too long
in his chair, broken by
heart and panic attacks, (period)

I was his taxi collecting at ten
so Edna could relax and meet
with her friends.
Then belching bitter,
he asked me to stop and went
inside Mr Yips for a nice piece of Cod.

He said he’d forgot why he was so angry (should be "forgotten" but it works because I imagine it in the old soldier's speech)
and that Mr Yip seemed a very nice man,
too young to even remember the war, (period)
I called him a pillock and said “that’s his son”
and that was it, just like that (comma)
Frank asked me could he have his hat back, (no comma)
and told me all about the black sash.

By title alone, I didn't expect to enjoy this piece, but it is great.

I marked some very minor punctuation suggestions, but I really enjoyed reading this one.

Thanks for the help BedsideFungus (great name) I will have a tidy up in the edit. Thanks Keith