Fruit

[Humbert]

Fruit

A man picking fruit bent over the land
turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide.

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

---

I just realized I meant to post this in Mild Critique. Any way to change locations? D:

[ChristopherSea]

You can ask one of the Mods to move your poem. Alternately, delete this post and repost your poem where you wish it.

[Erthona]

Your first two sentences have a bit of ambiguity you may not want them to have.

Otherwise, an interesting look at commerce.

Dalw

[bena]

I think both stanzas are important not only due to the irony of commerce, but differences in status or stations in life. It's perfect as is imho.

But then, I love minimalism that can say so much in so little words.

Cheers,
mel./bena

[Humbert]

Your first two sentences have a bit of ambiguity you may not want them to have.

Otherwise, an interesting look at commerce.

Dalw

What is ambiguous about them? I mean no rudeness or sense of defense, I just am not sure what you mean

---

I think both stanzas are important not only due to the irony of commerce, but differences in status or stations in life. It's perfect as is imho.

But then, I love minimalism that can say so much in so little words.

Cheers,
mel./bena

Thank you. I also felt that the second stanza was necessary for my own reasons, and was only hoping maybe to refine the poem rather than omit half of it. With little words it seems hard to change much to create the effect I wanted. Thanks for the positive feedback though; I feel encouraged

[ellajam]

Hi, Humbert, and welcome.

Fruit

A man picking fruit bent over the land ambiguity: Which is bent over, the fruit or the man? He turned?
turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide. I'd prefer a more interesting way of saying "committed suicide".

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

---

I just realized I meant to post this in Mild Critique. Any way to change locations? D:

[tectak]

Fruit

A man picking fruit bent over the land
turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide.

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

---

I just realized I meant to post this in Mild Critique. Any way to change locations? D:

Done.
tectak

[Humbert]

Hi, Humbert, and welcome.

Fruit

A man picking fruit bent over the land ambiguity: Which is bent over, the fruit or the man? He turned?
turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide. I'd prefer a more interesting way of saying "committed suicide".

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

---

I just realized I meant to post this in Mild Critique. Any way to change locations? D:

Ah now I see the confusion with the first two lines. I'll have to figure out a way for it to be more clear but fit the rhyme scheme. Thanks for the input

[71degrees]

Fruit

A man picking fruit bent over the land
turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide.

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

---

I just realized I meant to post this in Mild Critique. Any way to change locations? D:

Try it in present tense. That might clear up any confusion. Drop "bent over the land"…it doesn't add much. Just my three cents. I like brevity. The more bare bones you make this, the more zip it has. Also, try to make the second stanza two complete sentence/thoughts. That would match better with the first stanza. Even the short ones need consistency.

I like this. Mad Men-ish with a touch of Grapes of Wrath.

[Arachnid_Poet]

what about in the first line, something like "man picks the fruit/and it bends the land?" oh wait that may not flow well. But at least experiment? Or what about "fruit picks the man/that bends the land/ turning as I pass a smile and waving his hand/tonight his fate is sealed with stars but not with light?" Just my two cents.

[tomoffing]

excellent work.
Stanza two is absolutely necessary!! do not entertain removing it please!!

The simple rhymes provide a great echo that reinforce the connection between the two scenes.
A few specifics below.

Fruit

A man picking fruit bent over the land "a fruitpicker bent over the land" will resolve your ambiguity. That aside, fruit picking for me is a reaching overhead action that conflicts with "bent".
turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide. this is too frank

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

---

I just realized I meant to post this in Mild Critique. Any way to change locations? D:

More generally, would you consider altering your tenses/sequence of events? I think a reversal would really focus the causality.
simply put;

A fruit picker committed suicide tonight.
He'd turned as I walked passed at midday
That morning I ate a bowl of fruit in a tie and a suit.

best of luck anyway, this is great. I'm loving it.

---

Fruit

A man picking fruit bent over the land
turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide.

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

---

I just realized I meant to post this in Mild Critique. Any way to change locations? D:

Try it in present tense. That might clear up any confusion. Drop "bent over the land"…it doesn't add much. Just my three cents. I like brevity. The more bare bones you make this, the more zip it has. Also, try to make the second stanza two complete sentence/thoughts. That would match better with the first stanza. Even the short ones need consistency.

I like this. Mad Men-ish with a touch of Grapes of Wrath.

Agree on the second stanza now that I've read the critiques,

but disagree with the removal of "bent over the land".
It should be tidied up, better integrated
but the image of the peasantry and the associations with class work very well with the overall theme.

[Humbert]

First off, thanks for all the feedback guys For the sake of keeping the essence of the poem, I've entertained two very simple edits so far:

A man was picking fruit and bending over the land;
he turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide.

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

OR

A man picking fruit was bent over the land;
he turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide.

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

This seemed to clarify the ambiguity that is in fact the man that is bent over the land, at least it did to me. Thanks again

---

excellent work.
Stanza two is absolutely necessary!! do not entertain removing it please!!

The simple rhymes provide a great echo that reinforce the connection between the two scenes.
A few specifics below.

Fruit

A man picking fruit bent over the land "a fruitpicker bent over the land" will resolve your ambiguity. That aside, fruit picking for me is a reaching overhead action that conflicts with "bent".
turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide. this is too frank

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

---

I just realized I meant to post this in Mild Critique. Any way to change locations? D:

More generally, would you consider altering your tenses/sequence of events? I think a reversal would really focus the causality.
simply put;

A fruit picker committed suicide tonight.
He'd turned as I walked passed at midday
That morning I ate a bowl of fruit in a tie and a suit.

best of luck anyway, this is great. I'm loving it.

---

Fruit

A man picking fruit bent over the land
turned as I passed,
smiling and waving his hand.
That night he committed suicide.

The next morning
I ate a bowl of fruit
and went to work
in a tie and a suit.

---

I just realized I meant to post this in Mild Critique. Any way to change locations? D:

Try it in present tense. That might clear up any confusion. Drop "bent over the land"…it doesn't add much. Just my three cents. I like brevity. The more bare bones you make this, the more zip it has. Also, try to make the second stanza two complete sentence/thoughts. That would match better with the first stanza. Even the short ones need consistency.

I like this. Mad Men-ish with a touch of Grapes of Wrath.

Agree on the second stanza now that I've read the critiques,

but disagree with the removal of "bent over the land".
It should be tidied up, better integrated
but the image of the peasantry and the associations with class work very well with the overall theme.

I thought about reversing, but it seems important to me to emphasize that the bowl of fruit was eaten after the suicide.

[Erthona]

A man picking fruit bent over the land was the man or the fruit bent?
turned as I passed, What/who turned as you passed?

Dale