Virtuality

[shenaz]

Standing in the Ocean
I eat my hair
In the sea of loneliness
Staring at the shore of solitude
The rain cries in the heat
Gasoline bleeds on the Tarmac, forming the colours of my soul.

[cidermaid]

Hi shenaz,

I'm not sure i have really got much out of this one to get me wanting to keep comming back for more...and for me this is a marker of a good write.
There seems to be a lot of repitition with the Sea/ ocean images that I do not think work in such a short poem. I amactually struggling to get a solid image for the read as a whole. Will offer what the lines speak to me below.

Standing in the Ocean The standing gives me - perseverance, inner strength and commitment. The ocean - smallness, isolation, insignificance.
I eat my hair No idea what this is meant to convey apart from it is windy
In the sea of loneliness I think you could loose this whole line it does not say anything new to me that the first line has not supplied
Staring at the shore of solitude This line is at best mediocre, (sorry just being honest to how I have read it) but it could also be taken as a repitition of the sentiments of the first line, so could again be axed. I suspect that you might be going for a depresion image - a sort of ship to shore looking through the telescope the wrong way round
The rain cries in the heat For me these last two lines are the poem and I would encourage you to explore where this might lead you if you make this your first line. I did this recently in the mentoring section with Todd and it yielded some surprising results and was a great exercise
Gasoline bleeds on the Tarmac, forming the colours of my soul.

Hope these thoughts might be of some help.
all the best AJ.

[shemthepenman]

Hello, this is short

Standing in the Ocean
I eat my hair — an intriguing opening. It could be leading to something unusual (unfortunately, as I have obviously read the whole poem and am only feigning ignorance, I know that it isn't)
In the sea of loneliness — cliche. 'In the sea of' anything is pretty cliche but 'loneliness' just adds insult to injury. But you are continuing a theme, so I understand. Oh, but if you really must keep this I would suggest changing the definite article to 'a', as in 'in a sea of loneliness', it actually doesn't sound so bad that way; more relaxed rather than an attempt at profundity. I think if a cliche is used in a more relaxed even conversational way then it can be forgiven, and I think the indefinite article adds this.
Staring at the shore of solitude — you have made the point. And this line isn't so cliche per se, but it is definitely on the shore of one
The rain cries in the heat — yeah, this is ok. But, haven't you heard a similar line before? More than once?
Gasoline bleeds on the Tarmac, forming the colours of my soul. — this is a nice ending, and finally there is something that actually resonates. Pick up this line and carry it on, and possibly abandon all the rest.

Abandon all the cliches which extreme feelings seem to breed like rats (I think it is due to the exhaustion induced by those emotions that makes us lazy to find something new in them) and simplify. The last line is great and could be the beginning of a great poem.

And ps. Just from a stylistic point of view, why not split the last line after the comma? It is a small thing perhaps but would just make it look a bit tidier.

[shenaz]

Hi shenaz,

I'm not sure i have really got much out of this one to get me wanting to keep comming back for more...and for me this is a marker of a good write.
There seems to be a lot of repitition with the Sea/ ocean images that I do not think work in such a short poem. I amactually struggling to get a solid image for the read as a whole. Will offer what the lines speak to me below.

Standing in the Ocean The standing gives me - perseverance, inner strength and commitment. The ocean - smallness, isolation, insignificance.
I eat my hair No idea what this is meant to convey apart from it is windy
In the sea of loneliness I think you could loose this whole line it does not say anything new to me that the first line has not supplied
Staring at the shore of solitude This line is at best mediocre, (sorry just being honest to how I have read it) but it could also be taken as a repitition of the sentiments of the first line, so could again be axed. I suspect that you might be going for a depresion image - a sort of ship to shore looking through the telescope the wrong way round
The rain cries in the heat For me these last two lines are the poem and I would encourage you to explore where this might lead you if you make this your first line. I did this recently in the mentoring section with Todd and it yielded some surprising results and was a great exercise
Gasoline bleeds on the Tarmac, forming the colours of my soul.

Hope these thoughts might be of some help.
all the best AJ.

Thanks AJ. I'll put in more work

---

Hello, this is short

Standing in the Ocean
I eat my hair — an intriguing opening. It could be leading to something unusual (unfortunately, as I have obviously read the whole poem and am only feigning ignorance, I know that it isn't)
In the sea of loneliness — cliche. 'In the sea of' anything is pretty cliche but 'loneliness' just adds insult to injury. But you are continuing a theme, so I understand. Oh, but if you really must keep this I would suggest changing the definite article to 'a', as in 'in a sea of loneliness', it actually doesn't sound so bad that way; more relaxed rather than an attempt at profundity. I think if a cliche is used in a more relaxed even conversational way then it can be forgiven, and I think the indefinite article adds this.
Staring at the shore of solitude — you have made the point. And this line isn't so cliche per se, but it is definitely on the shore of one
The rain cries in the heat — yeah, this is ok. But, haven't you heard a similar line before? More than once?
Gasoline bleeds on the Tarmac, forming the colours of my soul. — this is a nice ending, and finally there is something that actually resonates. Pick up this line and carry it on, and possibly abandon all the rest.

I'll check my structure. Thanks

Abandon all the cliches which extreme feelings seem to breed like rats (I think it is due to the exhaustion induced by those emotions that makes us lazy to find something new in them) and simplify. The last line is great and could be the beginning of a great poem.

And ps. Just from a stylistic point of view, why not split the last line after the comma? It is a small thing perhaps but would just make it look a bit tidier.

[Lock Key]

This is the over all feeling I got from your poem. One of isolation and solitude. I was left with an incomplete feeling, however if you took time to finish this with a punctuation that gives the reader a true feeling of remorse, then it would be satisfying.

[alatos]

Somehow, even though I cannot make any logical sense out of this poem, I enjoy reading it. I have no experience with this sort of poetry, so I can't really give much advice other than to avoid the cliche of 'in the sea of loneliness.' But overall, I really enjoyed it... even if I didn't understand it.

[shenaz]

Thanks. Will pay attention to structure, language and punctuation more, I guess.

[kindofahippy]

I'm not certain what the intended meaning is, but I did enjoy that poem, as odd as it is, because it has a charming meter to it. I think changing line two to:

I eat my hair like noodles.

Would add some unique dissonance, forcing the reader to slow down and take in the intrinsic beauty of the poem, instead of rushing through it. It also makes for a neat little pseudo-rhyme with solitude.

[just mercedes]

Unusual imagery mixed with cliche - your poem doesn't quite work yet. The second line, and most of the final line, are good. Keep revising!

[shenaz]

Ok thanks. Working on becoming better

[Am I A Poet?]

This poem has that ineffable quality of mystique, beneath a few tired clichés, making it a largely enjoyable read. I agree that the last line should be split into two - that jarred with me when I read it. Also, if you are in the sea of loneliness, the notion that you are some distance from the shore of solitude that you are staring at seems peculiar, as you seem to be simultaneously in isolation and distant from it. Perhaps the omnipresence of isolation is your point, but give it some thought, and if it wasn't what you intended, perhaps change "Staring at the shore of solitude" to a more local verb that conveys the immediacy of your isolation such as "Smelling the shore of solitude". (terrible example verb, but I thought I'd give you such a bad one that you'd need to change it and preserve your original authorship )

Apologies for probably misunderstanding you, I liked the feel of your poem regardless.

[Robert9614]

I like the "I eat my hair" image. It's unusual and mildly shocking - it definitely provoked me to read to further in order to discover what exactly has caused this reaction in the speaker.

However, I do feel that some parts ("sea of loneliness", "shore of solitude") are cliche. They were something of a let down after the intiguing beginning.

The crying rain and the bleeding gasoline are interesting - they seem to indicate some form of tragedy. I think the poem could be improved if you focused somewhat on what brought about the situation and tried to avoid cliches.

Good job though!

[ralex003]

I don't know where you're going with this poem, but I do agree with a lot of the people here about the last line resonating. I think you should take the idea the last line conveys and use it to rewrite the poem. Why are you eating your hair? Why does the poem start with so much positive imagery and end with such negative? I know that you alone know for sure what you're trying to convey, but I have a hard time figuring it out.

[shenaz]

Ok. I agree the cliches dont look good . Will definitely watch the language. Thanks friends

[Willpark]

Standing in the Ocean
I eat my hair
In the sea of loneliness This is a big cliche. Try to avoid things like this
Staring at the shore of solitude Okay, but a bit repetitive
The rain cries in the heat
Gasoline bleeds on the Tarmac, forming the colours of my soul. this is a very good line

This is a short poem, clearly. But you still need to convey a message to the reader in your writing. I leave this poem confused, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I feel as if the the middle two lines about the sea of loneliness and the shore of solitude is a bit odd and out of place, kind of like a filler. The last line is great. I think you should focus and expand on the ideas from that line. The beginning and middle feel confusing and empty, while the last line is full of promise and ideas.

[shenaz]

Yeah the two lines are clearly a problem. Thanks