Ode to Caffeine

[shenaz]

O caffeine, O caffeine
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?

O caffeine, O caffeine
Curbing my dreams
Make me jump, make me shake
What wouldn't I do without you.

O caffeine, O caffeine
Coloring my view
Swear by you, swot by you
What would I do without you?

[Erthona]

The the double entendre of "swot" is cute. The repetition of "O caffeine, O caffeine" is... repetitious, and could certainly be removed after the first line, but as it is an ode...still.

You stay well with the pattern you've established.

Dale

[billy]

O caffeine, O caffeine
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?

O caffeine, O caffeine
Curbing my dreams
Make me jump, make me shake
What wouldn't I do without you.

O caffeine, O caffeine
Coloring my view
Swear by you, swot by you
What would I do without you?

you already have perfect meter with the refrains. try and get a perfect meter in the two filler lines of each stanza.

[shenaz]

Thanks for your suggestions . They are certainly helpful

[Æther]

O caffeine, O caffeine
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?

I think it could be my difference in style, I am new to the whole poetry thing (both writing and especially critiquing). My personal taste says to drop the first “O” in the first line. Instead of “Fueling” I would say “O, How you fuel” and put an “and” in the third line. I would also add “Caffeine" to the beginning of last line of that stanza.” These changes in effect would look like:

Caffeine, O Caffeine
O how you fuel my fantasies
Faithful by morn, and faithful by noon
Caffeine, what would I do without you?

I don’t know, I am not a critic, maybe that is too much.

O caffeine, O caffeine
Curbing my dreams
Make me jump, make me shake
What wouldn't I do without you.

I am not necessarily the biggest fan of this use of repetition. I think repeating the word caffeine is effective, but in exactly the same phrase kind of nulls the stimulus. For this one you could say something like “glorious caffeine” instead and it still flows fine. I think the second, third and fourth lines are great!

O caffeine, O caffeine
Coloring my view
Swear by you, swot by you
What would I do without you?

I think this verse is great and actually needs no revision in my opinion. Sorry if you don’t like my critique of the first stanza, but I love the idea and I love caffeine!

[shenaz]

Hey thanks ether, your suggestions make sense

[kindofahippy]

O caffeine, O caffeine
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?

I'm probably wrong about this, but what if you changed the first line to Fueling all my fantasies? It would give this stanza an even seven syllables throughout and improve flow.

[micpschm]

O caffeine, O caffeine
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?

O caffeine, O caffeine
Curbing my dreams
Make me jump, make me shake
What wouldn't I do without you.

O caffeine, O caffeine
Coloring my view
Swear by you, swot by you
What would I do without you?

I would consider changing the last line of the poem. For some reason I don't like that it repeats the last line in the first stanza. I think because the poem is already heavy in repetition, and the end of the second stanza is not identical to the end of first and the last stanza, that you should try to find a new rhyme to fit the end of your poem. An enjoyable read.

[tectak]

O caffeine, O caffeine
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?

I'm probably wrong about this, but what if you changed the first line to Fueling all my fantasies? It would give this stanza an even seven syllables throughout and improve flow.

Fu/ell/ing?
tec/tak

[ChristopherSea]

O caffeine, O caffeine
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?

I'm probably wrong about this, but what if you changed the first line to Fueling all my fantasies? It would give this stanza an even seven syllables throughout and improve flow.

Fu/ell/ing?
tec/tak

Tom, Is that really fyu-el-ing or fyul-ing. milo would probably argue with you on the dictionary denotation verses colloquial vocalization./Chris

[Leanne]

It's fuelling, just how Tom says it, which is how it's said in the place that the language was invented -- three syllables :p

[ChristopherSea]

It's fuelling, just how Tom says it, which is how it's said in the place that the language was invented -- three syllables :p

Ah, then metrically is not me-tri-cly for you, but me-tri-cal-ly? This is why meter is confounding. I hear milo coming...

[Chaosrxn]

I'm a fan of the repetition, but I feel like caffeine has a hard sound on it. But it's simple so I like it

[Simba]

The repetition gives this poem a nice light bouncy feel which I am a big fan of. Keep it up!

[Am I A Poet?]

Hard to describe why, but this poem is extremely lively to me when read aloud, probably because the repetition carries the reader quickly through each stanza.

Your temporal movements are a bit strange to me though.
The beginning of the day/caffeine journey - "Faithful by morn, faithful by noon" - goes directly into what seems to be a sleeplessness (?) - "Curbing my dreams", though the choice of "dream" instead of "sleep" makes me doubt if I've understood you properly. That line intrigues me, but I don't really understand it or its significance, and it feels incongruous with the flow and feel of your poem.

[Robert9614]

"Curbing my dreams" seems vague.

I love "fuelling my fantasies". The alliteration is nice, the idea of caffeine as something that assists people to imagine is appealing.

The abundance of verbs also effectively communicates the action that caffeine aids people in achieving.

[Nbafan]

O caffeine, O caffeine
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?

O caffeine, O caffeine
Curbing my dreams
Make me jump, make me shake
What wouldn't I do without you.

O caffeine, O caffeine
Coloring my view
Swear by you, swot by you
What would I do without you?

The beginning is definitely repetitious but that is not necessarily a bad thing. That said, I really like the way you have switched up the last line of each quatrain and, if you can do something like that with the first lines, it might be beneficial.

[paxsan]

O caffeine, O caffeine
Fueling my fantasies
Faithful by morn, faithful by noon
What would I do without you?

O caffeine, O caffeine
Curbing my dreams
Make me jump, make me shake
What wouldn't I do without you.

O caffeine, O caffeine
Coloring my view
Swear by you, swot by you
What would I do without you?

Just joined so apologies if I accidently tread on anyones toes but what if you changed the last line and final repition to be "What would I BE without you?"

[shenaz]

Hard to describe why, but this poem is extremely lively to me when read aloud, probably because the repetition carries the reader quickly through each stanza.

Your temporal movements are a bit strange to me though.
The beginning of the day/caffeine journey - "Faithful by morn, faithful by noon" - goes directly into what seems to be a sleeplessness (?) - "Curbing my dreams", though the choice of "dream" instead of "sleep" makes me doubt if I've understood you properly. That line intrigues me, but I don't really understand it or its significance, and it feels incongruous with the flow and feel of your poem.

The line"curbing my dreams" is trying to express the fact that when i sleep under the influence of caffeine, it is always dreamless. Definitely opposite what should be possible . Lool

---

Hard to describe why, but this poem is extremely lively to me when read aloud, probably because the repetition carries the reader quickly through each stanza.

Your temporal movements are a bit strange to me though.
The beginning of the day/caffeine journey - "Faithful by morn, faithful by noon" - goes directly into what seems to be a sleeplessness (?) - "Curbing my dreams", though the choice of "dream" instead of "sleep" makes me doubt if I've understood you properly. That line intrigues me, but I don't really understand it or its significance, and it feels incongruous with the flow and feel of your poem.

"Curbing my dreams is a description of my dreamless sleep after the caffeine wears off

---

Thanks friends. Will improve on my technique. Thats where i seem to have the most problem

[Bunx]

Sweet poem. I think that your stanzas describe the love hate relationship most people have with coffee. i particularly like second stanza, that shows caffeine control over even your subconscious.