Driving Back to the Apartment (passanger seat)

[makeshift]

Edit 1

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us
with words; embers adrift
in cold air.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A syllable dangles
in delicate balance
upon my lip.

Inhale—
the syllable slips
down my throat
and smolders;
stomach coal.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you—
your sinking sun
drives the sky below us.

I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak—
black orifice, smoke tap.
You stare.

Original
We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below

us. I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip.
You stare.



Alright, so this one is a bit rough, cant get the third stanza to read how I want + not sure about the ending, but what do you guys think??? I've been stuck on it for awhile so putting it out here, appreciate all feedback. :^)

[tomoffing]

I see what you mean about the third stanza. The imagery is harsh and painful, which doesn't quite sit with the atmosphere overall.

Opinions below, but overall this is great. And I don't see much to improve in the last.

Thanks a lot.

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles "dangling syllable" works better imo. It's a more taut image, and sounds better aloud I think
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip. "Upon my lip", being shorter it suits the tension, and the p sounds literally hang on your lip when said.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder.

As I said, this is harsh in comparison to the rest of the piece. Perhaps something involving chapped lips and a dry mouth, that you swallow to the pit of your stomach?

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below I'd move sun to line 4, the wording is fine, but the enjambment makes line 4 appear initially as an error. Interrupts the read.

us. I stare at what remains not sold on this enjambment either. It doesn't add enough for the effort it takes to understand for me. Although I'm pretty slow.
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip. Great line.
You stare.



Alright, so this one is a bit rough, cant get the third stanza to read how I want + not sure about the ending, but what do you guys think??? I've been stuck on it for awhile so putting it out here, appreciate all feedback. :^)

[Erthona]

Overall this has some cleverness to it, but I found the first stanza problematic which made it difficult to get into the rest of the poem. I do like the extended metaphor of conversation being like the environment.

I couldn't really make a lot of sense of:

"like children shattering
a frozen creek. "

I understand the image more or less, I'm just not sure what it is suppose to say about the conversation. I think it could use some more clarification. I don't know if this relates to just the breaking of the ice, or does it speak to the children's interaction to each other, are they having a battle? Trying to aim the ice at each other like guided missiles. My guess would be you meant this as being equal to clipped, short phrases that burst out erratically, but it s not my job to guess, and as this sets up the rest of the poem, I've already lost my starting place. Are we starting out in anger, or this just playful banter. This uncertainty leads to doubt as to what the next stanza means. "Warm" can mean "loving" or it can mean "anger", and so it goes throughout the entire poem. Since you do not make clear the emotional tone from your initial simile, Holding back love or anger can get you to the end result,

"black orifice, smoke drip.
You stare."

Even if I can infer from this that this interaction has been negative from the start (which is by no means certain), I still have to get to the end of the poem to get the information I need to read the poem.
-----------------------------------------------
On another note,

Enjambment is tricky at best, and should be treated like a loaded gun. As that is clearer than most of your similes, I'll leave it to you to decide what it means.

Cheers,

dale

[makeshift]

Thnx for the replies,

@ tomoffing Nice suggestions. I agree with most if not everything will consider with revision. Im glad you like "black orifice, smoke drip." because that felt good when I wrote it but I was concerned it wouldn't translate well to others. Cheerzz


@ Erthona It supposed to start off happy then have a change in tone. So first metaphor was meant to be kinda naive, quiet, playful but looks like I may have to revisit it. It was intended to speak more to the way the words disrupt the space between the two people, and I guess its a bit violent also. I mean space and ice are both very pure,, I'll have to think about it more. the Warm I thought would kinda serve as a soft line between something happy -> painful I guess I could explore that as a central metaphor having something being heated parallel a relationship. Cold before you know one another, warmer as you get to know one another, and then hot to the point of pain when you know one another too well. Idk just thinking out loud (in type).. . Nice suggestions also, i'd take them 2 heart if it wasn't for your signature. Thnx for reading and commenting, Cheers.

I'm just now experimenting with enjambmet more so tbh tbh I just put it everywhere I thought it could be interesting. Anyway I always write that i'll post updates then I normally start something else.. but this one is getting updated 4 real > . <

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hello makeshift. I do think you get through the loneliness of such a drive, and describe well those awkward conversations people have where they talk about everything except the thing they know they should be talking about (which also happens to be the hardest thing to talk about). If anything, the last two lines could be even more revelatory and dramatic. Anyway, some more comments (and I agree with nixing “warm”, and with what's been said on the enjambment):

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek. I actually read “shattering a frozen creek” as something that would bring people together (as it sounds fun).

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder. I like the “delicate” imagery of these two stanzas. Perhaps make “acid” end the line above.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations. Like these two lines.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below, I like that it's “your” sinking sun that is driven down (like the driver posseses the sun). I think that re-wording these lines can make this image stand out even more (I didn't get it at all on the first few readings, because of the line breaks).

us. I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip.
You stare.

[visualcondyle]

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below

us. I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip.
You stare.

--------

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror. a comma can work here as well
A warm syllable dangles
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip. would love an em-dash here

In time it burns In time, it burns
and chars my mouth. a semi-colon here, maybe?
I let it slip
into my stomach colon can work here, or a comma
acid and smolder. love this line, it's very bold

Highway hum fills the holes The highway hum fills holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below

us. I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip. smoke dripping;
You stare.

--------

Hey there,

I love how evocative this poem is! The silence, the boldness,
and the strength of each moment no matter how difficult.

I placed some edits in there for word choice & punctuation. I can't help
but notice how your poem goes with your avatar as well (deer in headlights
maybe?). The first stanza is very well done, methinks

Thanks for posting,
VisualCondyle (Tara)

[ChristopherSea]

You have some good advice for your next edit. However, smoke drips is hard to reconcile. If the boyfriend is actually the black hole, what about closing with:

smoking black orifice,
you stare.

Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris

[makeshift]

Thnx for the replies, PoetryAndPhysics, visualcondyle, and ChristopherSea.

If the boyfriend is actually the black hole

@ChristopherSea, Hmmm, there is no intended boyfriend >.< its about a drive with my brother. I'm not sure if the reader needs to know that though. What implied the presence of a boyfriend? The narrator is the supposed to be the "black hole" THnx


Anyway i've edited the op. I may still be fighting with some ambiguity, i'm not sure.

[ChristopherSea]

Thnx for the replies, PoetryAndPhysics, visualcondyle, and ChristopherSea.

If the boyfriend is actually the black hole

@ChristopherSea, Hmmm, there is no intended boyfriend >.< its about a drive with my brother. I'm not sure if the reader needs to know that though. What implied the presence of a boyfriend? The narrator is the supposed to be the "black hole" THnx


Anyway i've edited the op. I may still be fighting with some ambiguity, i'm not sure.

It doesn't have to be a boyfriend any more than it has to be a brother. As it reads, it could be a nebulous party as well. The distance between us made be think of the former. It seemed to have more depth of meaning for me with two lovers in the car. I'll take a look at the new edit.

[beaufort]

Edit 1

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us
with words; embers adrift
in cold air.good improvement here with the edit

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A syllable dangles
in delicate balance
upon my lip.

Inhale—
the syllable slips
down my throat
and smolders;
stomach coal.I might be tempted to leave out this last line

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations. I get "non-conversations" but it seems a bit unwieldy to me. How about simply "left by silence" ?
I look towards you—
your sinking sun
drives the sky below us. don't really understand "your" sinking sun - is the sun belonging to him? under his control? Maybe it's just me

I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak—
black orifice, smoke tap.
You stare.
You did a good job with the edit IMO. I wouldn't have understood who the black orifice referred to without reading your explanation, but now that I know it fits well with the rest. You use the word "stare" twice here - did you want to emphasize it? Also, passenger is misspelled. Thanks for sharing this!

Original
We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below

us. I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip.
You stare.



Alright, so this one is a bit rough, cant get the third stanza to read how I want + not sure about the ending, but what do you guys think??? I've been stuck on it for awhile so putting it out here, appreciate all feedback. :^)

[makeshift]

@Christophersea ok,, yeah I didn't think it really mattered much just threw me off a bit I guess. Thnx

@Beaufort I've got to fix passenger > . < Yeah, I did want to emphasize stare there, but looking back I might be able to manage something better for the last line. I'm thinking about getting rid of stomach coal it does feel a bit forced. Thnx for reading/commenting

[jeremyyoung]

This reminds me of the Roger McGough poem 4 Love, and I wonder if a similar concrete construction might be possible.

Also I wonder about the references to heat. I'm not sure they add anything more than the description of the silence, and the biting of tongues.

I like the swallowed syllable... is it? no,yes,meh, bleh, I, you, he, she.... I don't want to know, but that works... but it stops working when it becomes an 'ember', as that points towards anger, and there is something more interesting about the relationship in the car, if we don't know why they aren't talking.

One change I would suggest......
Highway hum fills the holes
of non-conversation.

I don't like 'black orifice'... it's too overly dramatic. Like you are suddenly a demon in a D&D book.

[71degrees]

Edit 1

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us
with words; embers adrift
in cold air.good improvement here with the edit

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A syllable dangles
in delicate balance
upon my lip.

Inhale—
the syllable slips
down my throat
and smolders;
stomach coal.I might be tempted to leave out this last line

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations. I get "non-conversations" but it seems a bit unwieldy to me. How about simply "left by silence" ?
I look towards you—
your sinking sun
drives the sky below us. don't really understand "your" sinking sun - is the sun belonging to him? under his control? Maybe it's just me

I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak—
black orifice, smoke tap.
You stare.
You did a good job with the edit IMO. I wouldn't have understood who the black orifice referred to without reading your explanation, but now that I know it fits well with the rest. You use the word "stare" twice here - did you want to emphasize it? Also, passenger is misspelled. Thanks for sharing this!

Original
We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below

us. I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip.
You stare.



Alright, so this one is a bit rough, cant get the third stanza to read how I want + not sure about the ending, but what do you guys think??? I've been stuck on it for awhile so putting it out here, appreciate all feedback. :^)

---

Edit 1

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us
with words; embers adrift
in cold air.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A syllable dangles
in delicate balance
upon my lip.

Inhale—
the syllable slips
down my throat
and smolders;
stomach coal.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you—
your sinking sun
drives the sky below us.

I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak—
black orifice, smoke tap.
You stare.

Original
We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below

us. I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip.
You stare.



Alright, so this one is a bit rough, cant get the third stanza to read how I want + not sure about the ending, but what do you guys think??? I've been stuck on it for awhile so putting it out here, appreciate all feedback. :^)

Am a firm believer in "as few words as possible"...therefore, do you need "rear view" w/mirror. What other mirrors are in a car? How many "the's" can we edit out of this? Like the first one, maybe? Do you need "with words"...just "splitting the distance" implies an abyss between the two of you. Also, it's "lips" not lip. You have two. "Highway hums, fills the holes" is plenty. You keep hitting me over the head like I don't get it w/continued phrases like, "...left by non-conversations." I don't need this stuff to understand there is silence.

I like this poem. Clean it up and get rid of absolutely everything you don't need. Sparsity is what you want to get the idea of the poem across. Thanks for posting. Your edit is a great first step.

[makeshift]

@ jeremyyoung Thnx for reading/replying

I cant find the poem you referenced online, but I haven't looked maybe as long as I could..

I guess the idea with heat was that the conversation was warm hence embers at first, so the lack of conversation would kind of be like the sensation of walking away from a campfire on chilly night or I guess in this case smothering the fire??? I see where they could also be unnecessary though, and probably a bit ambiguous. That and it may not necessarily sit well with driving. Initially I was thinking about the sun set.

I think the change you recommended is goood. The dnd bit made mye giggle a lil bit. I made a DnD comparision when critiquing some ones poem last week... I like the image I had when I thought of the line but I wasn't thinking of a demon > . < so i'll experiment some more with other words I don't want a demon.


@71degrees Alright THnx, yeah I want to be concise. I guess I am a bit timid in what I exclude just because I want to make sure it makes sense. I'll try to cut a lot though, maybe a bit more then im comfortable cutting and then repost to see how others read it. As far as lips vs lip I have a hard time thinking of something dangling from both lips simultaneously. I had the idea that a word is teetering on the edge of the bottom lip hence lip.

Thnx again, for reading/commenting your comment and jeremyyoung's were mad helpful 4 real.

[jeremyyoung]

Here's the Roger McGough poem from someone's blog ... http://lackofsound.blogspot.co.uk/2006/06/40-love.html

The effect is more striking when in the double page of book.