Kindly, Go Away

[SirBrendan]

Kindly, Go Away (First Edit)

I know, of course, it, Love, can not be lost.
It can however
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond
and that absence is felt.
I know, of course, the gut rot pain will pass
but so did he.
He, like an asteroid that breezed so beautifully past
only to be compelled into a crater-- done
I know, of course, by you.
Death
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond;
you will never be felt

Kindly, Go Away

I know, of course, it, love, can not be lost.
It can however
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond
and that absence is felt.
I know, of course, the gut rot pain will pass
but so did he.
He, like an asteroid that breezed so beautifully past
only to be compelled into a crater-- done
I know, of course, by you, the cosmic joke no one finds funny.
Death
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond;
you will never be felt

[justcloudy]

I'm having a hard time with the structure here. I really like what you're saying but how you're saying it doesn't work for me. Obviously it's all choppy for a reason but I don't know what that is.

An image in the first four lines would make the opening stronger. I like lines 5-6 as an alternative opener. Maybe just get rid of the first 4, since you basically say the same at the end, and then rework the end a bit.

Just some thoughts.

[SirBrendan]

Yhea, this is my first go at 'free verse'. It seems I took the 'I don't need a strict structure' a wee bit too far. I chopped off a bit in the edit that wasn't necessary. Added some punctuation changes to try and fix it as well. Hope that makes it better.

[ellajam]

Kindly, Go Away (First Edit)

I know, of course, it, Love, can not be lost.
It can however
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond
and that absence is felt.
I know, of course, the gut rot pain will pass
but so did he.
He, like an asteroid that breezed so beautifully past
only to be compelled into a crater-- done
I know, of course, by you.
Death
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond;
you will never be felt

Kindly, Go Away

I know, of course, it, love, can not be lost.
It can however
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond
and that absence is felt.
I know, of course, the gut rot pain will pass
but so did he.
He, like an asteroid that breezed so beautifully past
only to be compelled into a crater-- done
I know, of course, by you, the cosmic joke no one finds funny.
Death
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond;
you will never be felt

Hi, Brendan,

I don't feel ready to comment on the whole piece, only 2 reads, but I already miss "the cosmic joke no one finds funny.", it gave me a sad smile.

The asteroid line is fabulous, I'll be back when I can come up with some suggestions for you.

[fresample]

Kindly, Go Away (First Edit)

I know, of course, it, Love, can not be lost.
It can however ",however,"
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond
and that absence is felt.
I know, of course, the gut rot pain will pass
but so did he.
He, like an asteroid that breezed so beautifully past
only to be compelled into a crater-- done
I know, of course, by you. I really like the "I know, of course," throughout. it draws me further in each time, like a mental checkpoint
Death This word appears to leave to the next line, but as I it aloud it doesn't connect. It reads "Death desist, acquit," and I feel I'm missing some meaning. Is death being mentioned as an entity or is it an occurrence or something else; it stands out but not in a good way for me.
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond;
you will never be felt period here?

Kindly, Go Away

I know, of course, it, love, can not be lost.
It can however
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond
and that absence is felt.
I know, of course, the gut rot pain will pass
but so did he.
He, like an asteroid that breezed so beautifully past
only to be compelled into a crater-- done
I know, of course, by you, the cosmic joke no one finds funny.
Death
desist, acquit, just cease to be, abscond;
you will never be felt

I like the style of the poem and I do prefer the new line change in the editted version, good choice.