McClain Beach

[71degrees]

McClain Beach

This woman, my wife;
she is near Superior water

Shoaling waves slide
up the beach face, stopping
just short of her bare feet

I fall more in love with
each spilling break

[gravity1665]

McClain Beach

This woman, my wife;
she is near Superior water

Shoaling waves slide
up the beach face, stopping
just short of her bare feet

I fall more in love with
each spilling break.

At the end of the first stanza there is no full stop yet the second stanza begins with a capital letter, is this meant?

[71degrees]

Stanzas this short don't need stops at all. I'll delete the last one.

[geoff]

Hello 71 degrees. I hope i'm able to offer you something:

McClain Beach

This woman, my wife;
she is near Superior water

Shoaling waves slide
up the beach face, stopping
just short of her bare feet

I fall more in love with
each spilling break

I enjoy the last line so much. "Spilling break" is great; also liked "Superior water".

I wish that the woman in this piece had more agency. Even something along the lines of "she nears Superior water" would give her a more active role.

My only other comment would be changing "slide" to "sliding in the second stanza; it would freeze the moment a bit and give her even more control as she would be performing most of the actions.

Thanks for the read
-geoff

[71degrees]

Hello 71 degrees. I hope i'm able to offer you something:

McClain Beach

This woman, my wife;
she is near Superior water

Shoaling waves slide
up the beach face, stopping
just short of her bare feet

I fall more in love with
each spilling break

I enjoy the last line so much. "Spilling break" is great; also liked "Superior water".

I wish that the woman in this piece had more agency. Even something along the lines of "she nears Superior water" would give her a more active role.

My only other comment would be changing "slide" to "sliding in the second stanza; it would freeze the moment a bit and give her even more control as she would be performing most of the actions.

Thanks for the read
-geoff

"agency" is a unique word in this context. I like it. Having the line read, "she nears Superior water" would alienate her from the water too much. I don't want her "moving" if that makes sense. The water / waves need to be moving. That being said, your second comment makes sense. Thanks for the read. Appreciate it muchly.

[tomoffing]

Evocative and succinct as usual.

Two opinions below.

Thanks for the read

McClain Beach

This woman, my wife;
she is near Superior water

"she" is extraneous given you've already presented your wife. Feels as if its there to justify the semi colon, which doesn't add anything for me either to be honest. given the setting I would prefer this to flow into the rest of the piece.
"This woman, my wife
is near to Superior water"


Shoaling waves slide
up the beach face, stopping
just short of her bare feet

Lovely stanza. Agree with Geoff's suggestion of sliding, adds immediacy. Shoaling, excellent word choice

I fall more in love with
each spilling break

i want to feel like this is cliched, but the overall brevity saves it. Its over so quickly I only have time to enjoy it. Not sure on the enjambment though. I would move "with" to the closing line.

[Erthona]

I think tomoffing pretty much covered what I had in mind. Can't think of anything else to say about it. Interesting image.

Dale

[71degrees]

Evocative and succinct as usual.

Two opinions below.

Thanks for the read

McClain Beach

This woman, my wife;
she is near Superior water

"she" is extraneous given you've already presented your wife. Feels as if its there to justify the semi colon, which doesn't add anything for me either to be honest. given the setting I would prefer this to flow into the rest of the piece.
"This woman, my wife
is near to Superior water"


Shoaling waves slide
up the beach face, stopping
just short of her bare feet

Lovely stanza. Agree with Geoff's suggestion of sliding, adds immediacy. Shoaling, excellent word choice

I fall more in love with
each spilling break

i want to feel like this is cliched, but the overall brevity saves it. Its over so quickly I only have time to enjoy it. Not sure on the enjambment though. I would move "with" to the closing line.

I agree about the semi-colon. It's intrusive. However, your suggestion turns "my wife" into an appositive which would still warrant a following comma. May be the lesser of two evils. Will think about this. Also like "with" to the closing line. Thanks.

---

I think tomoffing pretty much covered what I had in mind. Can't think of anything else to say about it. Interesting image.

Dale

Erthona: Thanks for the read. Appreciate it.

[tomoffing]

Comma indeed. Apologies