For all wither in the storms brought by living.
Oh, the pain!
Yet, it's more a hurricane.
Oh, the intensity!
Such strength. Such violence. Such beauty. Such enmity.
Oh my!
But wait, my brothers.
For I have found the eye.
Oh, the gentleness!
Pressures perfect where life is limitless.
Oh, the clarity!
Time too short, days too few.
This love a rarity.
Oh, the pain.
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Threads: 82
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Hi, welcome.
I think this could be much improved if you could go deeper and provide some images:
Quote:Such strength. Such violence. Such beauty. Such enmity.
If you could put those four qualities into an image, it would be a whopper.
Use 2 or 3 or 4 if you have to, but give me something to remember.
(12-20-2013, 03:02 AM)Clandestine Wrote: For all wither in the storms brought by living.
Oh, the pain!
Yet, it's more a hurricane.
Oh, the intensity!
Such strength. Such violence. Such beauty. Such enmity.
Oh my!
But wait, my brothers.
For I have found the eye.
Oh, the gentleness!
Pressures perfect where life is limitless.
Oh, the clarity!
Time too short, days too few.
This love a rarity.
Oh, the pain.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Threads: 6
Joined: Dec 2013
I didn't think I would like this after "Oh, the pain! / Yet, it's more a hurricane." That strikes me as a forced rhyme. However, after reading this several times, I've grown to like it. L5 could be cut down: lose either "Such strength" or "Such violence." I don't think the distinction is critical to understanding the poem. Cutting one of them would also help the meter. I must admit I don't understand your spacing. Also, is "Oh my!" a necessary line? I don't think so--cut it.
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Threads: 1
Joined: Feb 2014
(12-20-2013, 03:02 AM)Clandestine Wrote: For all wither in the storms brought by living.
Oh, the pain!
Yet, it's more a hurricane.
Oh, the intensity!
Such strength. Such violence. Such beauty. Such enmity.
Oh my!
But wait, my brothers.
For I have found the eye.
Oh, the gentleness!
Pressures perfect where life is limitless.
Oh, the clarity!
Time too short, days too few.
This love a rarity.
Oh, the pain.
I like this poem for exclaiming a description of a feeling related to the passions of love. My main thought is how the titles relates to the content. Seems like the last few lines can be connected with diamonds. I have to kind of stretch my mind around the majority of the poem to connect the content with the title. Kind of like I'm filling in gaps to bring it all together. This isn't always a bad thing, but with the way this poem is written, I think a new title may help to make it seamless. Also, "But wait, my brothers" seems like it came out of no where. Suddenly an audience was added to the poem when I thought you were alone. I can't necessarily say I am part of the brothers since I may not necessarily be a "brother". Perhaps if you referenced a group earlier in the poem I could draw a conclusion to who these people are. Or if that line was adjusted/scratched.
I like the passion of this poem. I see a type of expression of love/lust, the bell curve that comes with it sort to speak. I enjoyed it.
