Written On An Indian Train.

[Mad Matt]

To stop the train pull the chain
To stop all this would be insane
On a train a mile long
Seated with the writhing throng
Buying Teas for six rupees
From elderly wallahs with gammy knees
Filled with workers from Mangalore
Heading home to get married to the girl next door
There is some dirt the fans don’t work
Under the seats mice may lurk
The seats are dirty and some have stains
But at least it's better than Virgin trains
Before my eyes India flies
Every mile a new surprise
Rhythmic rails clitter and clatter
Hiding the noise of Hindi chatter
Through Adavali and Kirimkali
Through dusty plain and fertile valley
An elderly lady nicks my seat
So I pass the journey stood on me feet
Past mountain side and rivers wide
Through India’s beauty we gracefully glide
At jungle junctions we sit and wait
For the on coming train that’s running late
Through fields of maze under golden rays
Where people work and children plays
I hang out the door feeling brave
And return the compliment of a workers wave

The rhythm begins to slow as we as we approach our station
The last one I’ll see in this amazing beguiling nation
Into a cavernous cathedral like cunt we finally enter
In far Bombay’s mysterious throbbing centre
Journey’s end, travel over, I am here
To head on home with, in my eyes, a tear

[Dr.Poet]

Great post man!

[milo]

Great post man!

this is not considered adequate feedback for the critical forums. Please check the rules posted at the top of each forum before posting. In addition, you may wish to go here

/mod

[71degrees]

To stop the train pull the chain
To stop all this would be insane
On a train a mile long
Seated with the writhing throng
Buying Teas for six rupees
From elderly wallahs with gammy knees
Filled with workers from Mangalore
Heading home to get married to the girl next door
There is some dirt the fans don’t work
Under the seats mice may lurk
The seats are dirty and some have stains
But at least it's better than Virgin trains
Before my eyes India flies
Every mile a new surprise
Rhythmic rails clitter and clatter
Hiding the noise of Hindi chatter
Through Adavali and Kirimkali
Through dusty plain and fertile valley
An elderly lady nicks my seat
So I pass the journey stood on me feet
Past mountain side and rivers wide
Through India’s beauty we gracefully glide
At jungle junctions we sit and wait
For the on coming train that’s running late
Through fields of maze under golden rays
Where people work and children plays
I hang out the door feeling brave
And return the compliment of a workers wave

The rhythm begins to slow as we as we approach our station
The last one I’ll see in this amazing beguiling nation
Into a cavernous cathedral like cunt we finally enter
In far Bombay’s mysterious throbbing centre
Journey’s end, travel over, I am here
To head on home with, in my eyes, a tear

I love geographic poems. I learn about the atmosphere of a place I've never been so much better in a poem. Really like the nod to the passing cities, even the religious reference.

I'll be upfront when I say I'm not a rhyme guy, especially a scheme better suited for children's lit so I'm out on a limb here when I say this would work better (for me, anyway) as a spoken word poem. It would also clear up any problems with a poem that has zippo punctuation except for a bit of comma usage that mysteriously appears in the the last two lines only. I do like the slowing of the train (indicated by stanza break)….brings the poem nicely to a conclusion.

Not sure why you would throw "cunt" into this poem??? Really don't see a need to turn off 60% of your readers for no reason (maybe it's Sunday morning and just me). Just don't care for certain words that are used totally out of context with the rest of the poem.

Thanks for posting. Interesting poem and interesting presentation. Good luck w/it.

[TowMater]

I love geographic poems. I learn about the atmosphere of a place I've never been so much better in a poem. Really like the nod to the passing cities, even the religious reference.

I'll be upfront when I say I'm not a rhyme guy, especially a scheme better suited for children's lit so I'm out on a limb here when I say this would work better (for me, anyway) as a spoken word poem. It would also clear up any problems with a poem that has zippo punctuation except for a bit of comma usage that mysteriously appears in the the last two lines only. I do like the slowing of the train (indicated by stanza break)….brings the poem nicely to a conclusion.

Not sure why you would throw "cunt" into this poem??? Really don't see a need to turn off 60% of your readers for no reason (maybe it's Sunday morning and just me). Just don't care for certain words that are used totally out of context with the rest of the poem.

Thanks for posting. Interesting poem and interesting presentation. Good luck w/it.

I agree with all the points you made. The use of 'cunt' really threw me off and seemed completely out of place for the otherwise clean poem and tone. I'm not sure if it was purposelessly put there or is just a typo, but it shouldn't stay in my humble opinion.

Besides that though there were some great parts, especially those that utilized some of the poetic devices such as assonance:

"Before my eyes India flies
Every mile a new surprise"

and also alliteration:

"clitter and clatter" & "chatter"
"jungle junction"

Those really added another dimension to the poem, so job well done. I'm not necessarily a fan of this rhyming scheme either as it can sound a bit like a children's poem, but who am I to say if that was not the intent or you just like it better that way. Thanks for sharing.

[cfgorman]

To stop the train pull the chain
To stop all this would be insane
On a train a mile long
Seated with the writhing throng
Buying Teas for six rupees
From elderly wallahs with gammy knees
Filled with workers from Mangalore
Heading home to get married to the girl next door
There is some dirt the fans don’t work
Under the seats mice may lurk
The seats are dirty and some have stains
But at least it's better than Virgin trains Don't understand the reference to Virgin. A brand new train or the name of the company LOL.
Before my eyes India flies
Every mile a new surprise
Rhythmic rails clitter and clatter
Hiding the noise of Hindi chatter
Through Adavali and Kirimkali
Through dusty plain and fertile valley
An elderly lady nicks my seat
So I pass the journey stood on me feet
Past mountain side and rivers wide
Through India’s beauty we gracefully glide
At jungle junctions we sit and wait
For the on coming train that’s running late
Through fields of maze under golden rays
Where people work and children plays
I hang out the door feeling brave
And return the compliment of a workers wave

The rhythm begins to slow as we as we approach our station
The last one I’ll see in this amazing beguiling nation
Into a cavernous cathedral like cunt we finally enter
In far Bombay’s mysterious throbbing centre
Journey’s end, travel over, I am here
To head on home with, in my eyes, a tearI agree with the other comments re:cunt and I wonder what 'far' before Bombay means. But that being said I absolutely loved this poem. You captured the possible feelings of riding in a train in India very well and my mind wandered to visualize the descriptions as I read it. Thank you for a great poem.
Chris

[billy]

a genuine train of thought poem

not sure the cunt works or the last line as it's written.
in places you have some decent rhymes going on (almost train-like) and then the rhythm falls apart specially in the last stanza. overall the meter feels to work but there are odd places it skips or jumps a little.
other cunt and the last line, i quite liked it. (normally it's a great word that can be used for many purposes, i just don't think that was one of them)
thanks for the read.

To stop the train pull the chain
To stop all this would be insane
On a train a mile long
Seated with the writhing throng
Buying Teas for six rupees
From elderly wallahs with gammy knees
Filled with workers from Mangalore
Heading home to get married to the girl next door
There is some dirt the fans don’t work
Under the seats mice may lurk
The seats are dirty and some have stains
But at least it's better than Virgin trains this pulled a small laugh from me.
Before my eyes India flies
Every mile a new surprise
Rhythmic rails clitter and clatter
Hiding the noise of Hindi chatter
Through Adavali and Kirimkali
Through dusty plain and fertile valley
An elderly lady nicks my seat
So I pass the journey stood on me feet
Past mountain side and rivers wide
Through India’s beauty we gracefully glide
At jungle junctions we sit and wait
For the on coming train that’s running late
Through fields of maze under golden rays
Where people work and children plays
I hang out the door feeling brave
And return the compliment of a workers wave

The rhythm begins to slow as we as we approach our station
The last one I’ll see in this amazing beguiling nation
Into a cavernous cathedral like cunt we finally enter this line feels utterly wrong,
In far Bombay’s mysterious throbbing centre
Journey’s end, travel over, I am here
To head on home with, in my eyes, a tear but not as wrong as this yodarish line

[ChristopherSea]

Greetings Mat, Your poem evoked 'The Great Railway Bazaar' by Paul Theroux for me, chronicling his grand trek from Europe to Asia on the Orient express, Trans-Siberian Railway, etc. I remember the Indian and Burma segments as some of the best narrative. As for critique, I am not certain that the rhyme benefits the piece. Nonetheless, some form of rhyme along with the appropriate meter could mimic the regular pattern of a train traversing track. I liked the humor herein. I almost spit my tea on that cavernous cunt line! Normally, I would suggest the belly of a blue whale or the gut of a dragon, but neither has that impact or image! Rectum of a Rhino? Nah... Cheers/Chris

[Mad Matt]

Thank you for all the feed back, it is very much appreciated.

However, I do think I should explain the use of the word cunt. The main railway station in "far" Bombay (that's far as in far from where I had come from and far from where I am now. It is also a line in the song "Come Fly With Me") is a huge cavernous cathedral like building built in Victorian Gothic style. I liked the alliteration of cavernous cathedral and there is something quite phallic about a train entering a station. Therefore with that in mind and in order to keep the alliteration going there seemed, to me, to be only one possible choice of word. Especially as it is a favourite word of mine and something I like to slip in whenever I can (ohh err misses.) Although I must say I like the rectum of a rhino phrase, I must remember to use that one some time.

Other points, Billy, I completely agree with you about the last two lines. I wasn't at all happy with them myself, I struggled to come up with any other way to bring it to a close.

The rhythm was supposed to mimic the clickty-clack rhythm of the train. The last stanza I purposely changed the rhythm as I wanted it to come across as the train moving slowly as it approaches the station. You don't seem to get that clickty-clack noise when it is moving slowly. I also had the famous W.H. Auden poem "The Night Mail" in my head and tried to use a similar rhyme scheme.

Virgin Trains is a privatised British Train operator, I hate them with a passion (partly because Richard Banson's smug grin annoys me.) I also prefer older trains to the brand new hermetically sealed air conditioned types. So the use of Virgin trains was intended to have both meanings.

I think I covered everything there.

Matt.