Orifice of Isis

[Nahtaivel616]

The belly of Isis
Carries many things
Dead seeds, the eggs of life
Remnants of the unconcieved

She took a drink from many a boy's pitcher
They watched in pleasure
As She wrapped her cerise lips around the spout
Drawing out that warm milky elixir

The milk of life is what She craves the most
She sips until all that remains of them are ghosts

Hollowed lovers
She stores her essence in their shells
Mildewed minds from her nectar
Decaying from the aroma
The mouth of Isis
Sends many men into a coma

[bena]

There's a lot to like here (given the entendre of Isis superhero vs Isis the jihadists)

Also, really love the innuendo going on.

It does get really muddled in your meter though, and if you wish to cling to the Isis superhero stuff you need really strong rhyming couplets that follow her usual iambic tetrameter.

Also, if you use She captialized, you should also use Her. Just saying, either she is a god, or isn't.

Welcome aboard.

mel.

[Nahtaivel616]

Thanks for the honest critique. I myself felt that the last verse was weak compared to the others and that the meter left a lot to be desired. I wrote this poem after being inspired by the Aleistair Crowley quote "O, how superior is the Eye of Horus to the Mouth of Isis"

[bena]

You've got to be a Supernatural fan....thought so, given the leviathan backwards but now tempting me with alesiteir crowley...Mark Shepard is a fantastic Crowley...

If you aren't perhaps I'm just crazy. I've been called much worse, and usually by my friends.

[Erthona]

616,

I have no problem with the first two stanzas, although some might call you out for the "many a boy's" phrase, and true this is not written from the perspective of someone who would use such a line unless your name is "Robert Plant." There is a problem with the IP of the second line in the couplet that tends to jar the reader out of the poem. Yeah, lines four and six of S4 really wreck the poem, if for nothing else the rhyme is just too cheesy.  
I'm not wild about the "Mildewed minds" phrase. It is obvious that you are going for some alliteration, but alliteration is one thing you do not want to be obvious, as doing so takes away from having it in the first place. Plus "Mildewed minds" does not really bring to mind a clear image, or any image at all. How can a mind be mildewed, and what does that mean. Not a clue.  
If you wanted to keep the rhyme at the end (and I would argue for a different rhyme), the fifth line should be removed, especially as it is redundant anyway. So you would end with rhyming couplets. I am of course envisioning that these two lines will change, at least enough to get rid of that rhyme.

"Decaying from the aroma
Sends many men into a coma "   (Oh, before I forget, there is no reason to start every line with a capital. Such practices went out in the 1950's when they discovered that not doing so made the poem much easier to read.) 

Also, even with the added line the phrase "Decaying from the aroma" makes little. We are never told why the smell would cause decaying, in fact all we know of her is she likes to swallow cum. Is this why the smell of her breath causes decay? If it does the connection completely eludes me (ah, alliteration).  Neither, it seems does the reader know her "her essence" that she puts "in their shells." So there are all these nice word paintings, but nothing concrete to attach them to, which ultimately make the poem senseless.
Mel mentioned that there was a double entendre on the play of names of Isis the Egyptian goddess and ISIS. I never saw the second ISIS ever emerge. Certainly a person could jump to that conclusion, but I see nothing besides the similarity in names that connects ISIS to this poem. As the writer also seems to confirm that he took inspiration from this line that confirms this is the name of the Egyptian goddess, Isis. "O, how superior is the Eye of Horus to the Mouth of Isis."  All the imagery seems geared to this line as it continues to reference the "mouth" of Isis throughout the poem.

Welcome to the site,

Dale    

[Magpie]

Hi, 

This is a very interesting poem, although I think that the last stanza doesn't make much sense and therefore spoils the rest of it.
"many a boy's" keeps on reminding me of 'House Of The Rising Sun' and the line "many a poor boy" and the reference to 'boy' doesn't fit in with the last line when you refer to 'men'. I can only assume that you chose 'boy' to avoid the awkwardness of "many a man's".
Most of the last stanza doesn't make sense but especially "She stores her essence in their shells" which almost seems to be the opposite of what you are implying, that it is their essence which she stores inside of herself. I'm not quite sure what you are trying to say here.
I do like the idea and the fact that you have made her 'mouth' ambiguous with the clever title, is it really her mouth or her vagina, I'm sure that the mouth of Isis as referred to by Crowley is not really meant literally as mouth, although I'm not sure I would have thought this had you not mentioned Crowley in one of your comments.
I like this and I hope you come back to edit it for I think it is worthwhile.
I live not far from Boleskine House so any mention of Aleister Crowley is always going to grab my attention, and because of this I'm wondering if Dale's mention of Robert Plant is purely coincidental, with an obvious connection between Jimmy Page to Boleskine House to Aleister Crowley. Hmmm, interesting.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[Nahtaivel616]

Hey guys thanks for the critiques. I am working on the , plus I've been busy with life related stuff, so I'll post up the edit as soon as possible.

[bena]

it completely sucks when rl interferes with my writing!!!

[Erthona]

616,

OK, I've thought about this. Here is my problem with this poem. We don't know what aspect of life or archetype that this Isis is supposed to be. There is nothing of her inherent characteristics that would fit with this poem as shown by the Wiki quote below:

"Isis was worshipped as the ideal mother and wife as well as the patroness of nature and magic. She was the friend of slaves, sinners, artisans and the downtrodden, but she also listened to the prayers of the wealthy, maidens, aristocrats and rulers...  Isis is also known as protector of the dead and goddess of children."     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isis

As to Crowley's remark, it is taken out of context. That is to say when the writer quotes the passage he leaves out the context of Crowley's quote. Regardless I doubt there is anything in the full passage that supports the contentions of the poem. Still this would be fine. One can use Isis as a metaphor for whatever one wants, however, it must be made clear what connection that metaphor has to reality. Without that grounding we are left with a short fantasy piece and nothing more. The metaphor is broken, it could be anything from a succubus to war, neither of which has anything to do with the historical Isis. So without some explanation about why this Isis is the polar opposite of the historical Isis, and what this "Isis" is supposed to represent instead and why, we are left with confusion. Blake did a similar thing with Satan, in his poem "Milton", but then again that was an epic poem and Blake created his own mythology from the very beginning. So obviously it is possible to re-characterize a mythological figure, but it takes more than a half page poem, no matter how great the poet  

Dale    

[Erthona]

616

OK, I have been informed that this is based on the TV show "Supernatural," and judging from it's ratings many other people have not seen it besides myself. It does little good to post such a "poem" here since it is so dependent on knowledge of that TV show and probably intimate knowledge of the show. I would suggest in the future if you are going to post "fan poetry" as mel calls it, that you should at the least warn the reader. Also, it is disingenuous to quote a TV character as though it were the real historical person. Maybe you meant to mislead, or were simply ignorant of how to correctly cite a reference, either way it is a lesson to learn and a behavior not to repeat. Although I have a fair amount of free time, I still do not appreciate having it wasted. If you feel compelled to post such /dreck/, please post it on a fan site.

The preceding opinion is my own and is not necessarily the opinion of the site as a whole; although I wouldn't push my luck. 



Dale
   

[Nahtaivel616]

Let me clear up a few things.
1. I don't watch Supernatural.
2. This quote comes from a diary entry written in 1913 by the real historical Aleistair Crowley.
3. The quote is a metaphor for the different cavities for penile penetration. Therfore, Eye of Horus the anus , Mouth of Isis = vagina, cerise lips= labia majora and minora.
4. The "Mildewed minds" verse was inspired by the LaVeyan invocation for the conjuration of lust ritual for women. As quoted "The dripping of the nectar from my eager cleft shall act as pollen to that slumbering brain, and that mind shall reel with crazed impulse".-Anton Lavey

[Magpie]

I'm not quite sure if this is entirely what could be classed as "fan poetry". Although it is the second time that I have been caught out regarding a reference to Aleister Crowley and 'Supernatural' which I again took at face value without realising that there was an actual tv show called 'supernatural'. 
I'm fairly certain that the quote referenced in this thread is actually a quote from Aleister Crowley the actual person as opposed to the fictional Aleister Crowley, therefore the basis of the poem could not be seen as entirely to do with 'supernatural'. Although I think possibly an interest in the writings of Mr. Crowley may have been inspired by the tv show, but I'm only second guessing at this though.
Also because I have never watched 'supernatural' and know absolutely nothing about it, I can't accurately say how much it's influence has on this poem, but if the quote was the basis for it and the quote is genuine then I think this is a fair enough reason to base the poem around. A different point altogether is whether the quote was fully understood and it's meaning incorporated into the poem, from what I make of the quote I don't think that the poem addresses it at all but more uses one aspect of it and to build a narrative. Whether or not this was intentional I don't know, but if it was because the quote was not fully understood then that is an honest mistake.
I do agree with Dale in that the use of Isis as an archetype or metaphor has very little resemblance to the historical Isis but I presume that this is probably more of a modern culture misperception of the occult, but the occult that gets referenced by conspiracy theorists and alarmist illuminati head fucker uppers.

For what's it worth now, Crowley was probably implying with the quote "O, how superior is the Eye of Horus to the Mouth of Isis" that in magic (or "magick" as he likes to call it) in basic crude terms anal sex is superior to vaginal sex. Whether he meant that as in homosexual sex being superior to heterosexual sex or the more likely non-conceptual sex being superior to possible conceptual sex is a matter for debate. I couldn't give a shit what it means or what Crowley says or whether freemasons are the illuminati or beyonces ass is an occult symbol or the eye of horus or blah blah blah... I've spent too much time arguing with those people... Sorry if this has wandered off topic, but I just had to say about how I think this poem is not entirely 'supernatural' related and not entirely without thought.

[Erthona]

I retract my statement about "fan poetry" as far as it applies to this poem. I certainly do stand by my previous statement that if a writer is going to change the characteristics of a well known myth it is going to require much more than half a page to do so. Certainly if one is going to base a poem on such an obscure quote as was used, then it should be footnoted and presented in totalem.

Dale