I've lost my muse...

[witsentat]

I remember finding her,
In a stand of trees
Amidst a forest of my hopes.
She stood there
On a carpet
Woven from the hair of angelsm

To me,
She was Spring,
Incarnate.
And I would wait for her,
While winter blew his final breath
Across my bruised and beaten earth.

And she
Would reward my patience with words.
And a promise to cover my trees with leaves,
And fill my valleys with flowers as wild as her hair.

I watched as the ice began to melt,
And formed pools of color.
Into which I'd dip my brush
And turn canvas into art.
I counted the turns of this slowly spinning earth,
And filled myself with hope
And fear.

Soon she would no me.
Just me,
Not the poet,
Not the painter.
Just the aging man.
With dried up
Broken hands

Yet maybe,
If she held these hands,
She would add some youth filled moments
To my years.
She might sprinkle laughter
On my tears.

And then
Spring came,
And she
Was gone..

I feel dry now.
As dry as the paint
On my abandoned brush.

I am no painter.
No poet.
I am just me.
An aging man,
Who still feels cold,
And counts the days 'til summer.

I have lost my muse....


I don't think I'm finished with this just yet

[rowens]

A good poem could come out of this. A few things could be improved. You say it's not finished; revise it, finish what's not finished. It's a good start. First fix the errors, like angelsm if that's an error. Look through it, there's a lot to work with.

[heslopian]

I remember finding her, Is this comma needed?
In a stand of trees Instead of "stand of trees" you could just have "copse", which means the same thing. That's merely a suggestion.
Amidst a forest of my hopes.
She stood there
On a carpet
Woven from the hair of angelsm "angels"; Pretty good image. It subtly conveys a forest floor, in a way.

To me,
She was Spring, Is this comma needed? I like the capitalisation here. When used with "incarnate" it makes spring seem like a possessing spirit.
Incarnate.
And I would wait for her,
While winter blew his final breath Should "winter" be capitalised too, as you seem to be personifying it?
Across my bruised and beaten earth. A really quite lovely image.

And she
Would reward my patience with words. Is this full stop needed, especially as the next line starts with a conjunction.
And a promise to cover my trees with leaves,
And fill my valleys with flowers as wild as her hair. Nice, soft, relaxing imagery, if lacking a little texture.

I watched as the ice began to melt,
And formed pools of color. Great couple of lines. Again, though, is the full stop needed when the next line begins with a conjunction?
Into which I'd dip my brush
And turn canvas into art.
I counted the turns of this slowly spinning earth, Effective line, so much so you don't really need the more vague and general next two lines.
And filled myself with hope
And fear.

Soon she would no me. "know"
Just me,
Not the poet,
Not the painter.
Just the aging man. Again, full stop needed?
With dried up
Broken hands

Yet maybe,
If she held these hands,
She would add some youth A dash could go here, between "youth" and "filled", to make it more grammatically sound. filled moments
To my years.
She might sprinkle laughter
On my tears.

And then
Spring came, Hang on a mo, earlier you said she was "Spring incarnate", whereas here you're implying that she and Spring are separate entities. Also, seeing as your lines are short and getting shorter, is capitalising each first letter necessary?
And she
Was gone..

I feel dry now.
As dry as the paint
On my abandoned brush.

I am no painter.
No poet.
I am just me.
An aging man,
Who still feels cold,
And counts the days 'til summer.

I have lost my muse.... Is this line needed?


I don't think I'm finished with this just yet I assume this is an author's note and not part of the poem?

The poem's biggest problems are concision and punctuation. In other words, it needs more specificity of thought and grammar. I liked it, though. It has some strong images and a gentle, melancholy tone. Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read

[Erthona]

angelsm not a word.

Soon she would no me. know me

I like these last three stanzas:

And then
Spring came,
And she
Was gone..
I feel dry now.
As dry as the paint
On my abandoned brush.
I am no painter.
No poet.
I am just me.
An aging man,
Who still feels cold,
And counts the days 'til summer.

You could drop the last line, it does nothing for the poem, and is basically repetitious.

I like the idea, but the execution in the first part is really lacking and overly wordy. As this isn't a workshop poem, I'll stop there.

best,

Dale

[witsentat]

Thank you all for the comments.
"Angelsm" was indeed an overlooked error, not a reference to climaxing angels. That might be a subject worth exploring in the future though..
I do have an issue with my sudden stops. A holdover from my earlier song lyric days.
Thanks again.

[Maudlin]

Over all I enjoyed your poem - Lovely imagery

[billy]

Over all I enjoyed your poem - Lovely imagery

the above is not what feedback should look like, please read the rules regarding the giving of it/mod