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A mod please delete the previous version in the mild critique forum, I think it makes more sense here as I AM a novice.
Anyway,
My fourth poem ever, I clapped the rhythm again, and I think it helped me get another good metre going.
The Demigod of Death
I slyly emerge, It's so deceivingly devious,
You fall for the Trojan, and that mistake is your first,
One friend is my knife, and he will stab with obedience,
My acquaintance is Hades and we will each take a turn!
I am partly a human; a demon’s living inside,
Lucifer can’t even comprehend my contriving!
I plan it so meticulous, your ligaments sliced,
So exact with X acto's, your throat so fragile for dicing!
Let me describe what I do, if you can bear the synopsis,
See, the moon brings my movement, become a shadowy figure,
In your view I am looming, I have no care for your comments,
From the darkness arisen, in my position I’ll injure!
I am the scariest and, don’t go preparing a plan,
'Cause I am the Shepard and you’re barely a lamb!
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Hiya L Oquence, your poem did not come across as graphic to me. ( You could probably drop that from the title without causing fear of offence).
The flow of the poem was not smooth for me. It held no vibrancy. Lines like the ones below were the cause of this.
"Let me describe what I do, if you can bear the synopsis.
In your view I am looming, I have no care for your comments.
From the darkness arisen, in my position I’ll injure.
I am the scariest and, don’t go preparing a plan".
I did like the line below.
"One friend is my knife, and he will stab with obedience"
I wanted to read it has, "My friend is my knife". You could drop the "and".
Thank you. JG
Posts: 1,827
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Joined: Dec 2016
Personally I dislike mixing mythologies, unless there is an explanation. The closets thing to a demigod of death would be "Thánatos" which is from Greek mythology. "Lucifer" is from Christian mythology, first used as a name of a king of Babylon, by Isaiah, later associated with Satan in the books of Enoch, and of course most prominently in "Paradise Lost". Then this line,
"My acquaintance is Hades"
The speaker is buddies with the god of the underworld?
The bottom line for me here is it sounds more like you are describing butchering meat. In the last paragraph it sounds like bad comic book villain monologue.
"Let me describe what I do, if you can bear the synopsis,
See, the moon brings my movement, become a shadowy figure,
In your view I am looming, I have no care for your comments,
From the darkness arisen, in my position I’ll injure!"
If the goal of this was to be macabre then I think you failed.
The speaker says "Let me describe what I do" and then fails to do so.
About the only positive thing I can say is that the lines read fairly smooth.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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@Dale Mostly what I'm looking for Is practicing rhythm, it's not particularly poetic in any other form its really just a braggadocios character , and it isn't really meant to be super dark and deep. If the lines read decently smooth than I guess so far, i'm reaching that goal of rhythm.  (I Should have stated that within the original post; apologies)
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Hi,
It's like you are saying this is supposed to be dark. If I read your comment correctly, you picked a random topic just to practice rhythm.
As a result it doesn't seem like you are truly involved, and the verses don't flow because they all seem to be from different places.
Rhythm cannot stand alone, it is connected to the meaning, to the feel, the color of your poem and to many other things that are way beyond our comprehension.
Try to free yourself from the idea that once you've practiced rhythm enough then you can go on to practice vocabulary then rhyming etc... I don't think it works quite like that, there is no recipe to good poetry.
Maybe try not to watch yourself write, just write!
Alex
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If you want to learn rhythm, then learn to write formal verse first, this will help train your ear, and will also become something you can do without actively thinking about it. People who try to write free verse without doing so, generally just sound tone deaf.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-23-2014, 11:57 PM)L Oquence Wrote: A mod please delete the previous version in the mild critique forum, I think it makes more sense here as I AM a novice.
Anyway,
My fourth poem ever, I clapped the rhythm again, and I think it helped me get another good metre going.
The Demigod of Death
I slyly emerge, It's so deceivingly devious,
You fall for the Trojan, and that mistake is your first,
One friend is my knife, and he will stab with obedience,
My acquaintance is Hades and we will each take a turn!
I am partly a human; a demon’s living inside,
Lucifer can’t even comprehend my contriving!
I plan it so meticulous, your ligaments sliced,
So exact with X acto's, your throat so fragile for dicing!
Let me describe what I do, if you can bear the synopsis,
See, the moon brings my movement, become a shadowy figure,
In your view I am looming, I have no care for your comments,
From the darkness arisen, in my position I’ll injure!
I am the scariest and, don’t go preparing a plan,
'Cause I am the Shepard and you’re barely a lamb!
Hi loq,
It would be unfair not to dig in to this piece now that the first ploughing has turned over the topsoil. That is a metaphor, you would do better in your poetry to try to establish some central metaphorical core and weave your ( a mixed metaphor) fabric around it. As it is, and I hear but do not believe you, you are struggling for meter in this video game mish mash. If it WERE the case you could reword Hiawatha and learn more.
The real issue is misunderstanding.You cannot write good poetry based upon a single attribute. Everything depends on everything else. Erthona gives sound advice.
Read more poetry but read it outloud. If you stumble examine why. Have you accentuated the wrong syllable? Have you mispronounced a word...or pronounced it in a different way to that intended? Have you matched your trocchees and iambs?Then read your OWN work outloud. Forget the technical terms...they were only created to easily and understandably describe what already existed in language....not the other way round, as you could be forgiven for thinking.
Your ambition is laudable but the best poets are honest to themselves first. The rest will follow on.
Best,
tectak
Burlesque3Rogue
Unregistered
(03-23-2014, 11:57 PM)L Oquence Wrote: A mod please delete the previous version in the mild critique forum, I think it makes more sense here as I AM a novice.
Anyway,
My fourth poem ever, I clapped the rhythm again, and I think it helped me get another good metre going.
The Demigod of Death
I slyly emerge, It's so deceivingly devious,
You fall for the Trojan, and that mistake is your first,
One friend is my knife, and he will stab with obedience,
My acquaintance is Hades and we will each take a turn!
I am partly a human; a demon’s living inside,
Lucifer can’t even comprehend my contriving!
I plan it so meticulous, your ligaments sliced,
So exact with X acto's, your throat so fragile for dicing!
Let me describe what I do, if you can bear the synopsis,
See, the moon brings my movement, become a shadowy figure,
In your view I am looming, I have no care for your comments,
From the darkness arisen, in my position I’ll injure!
I am the scariest and, don’t go preparing a plan,
'Cause I am the Shepard and you’re barely a lamb!
I'm in two minds about this, although I really enjoyed it I do feel that there could be some tweakage regarding the flow. Also there are one or two spelling/grammatical errors that need fixing (I know that many people don't see it as a big deal but to me the more spelling mistakes the less intelligent you sound). I do however enjoy the mythological references.
Keep going, it has good potential.
Xx
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