Black Widow

[LV Moose]

She sits amid her silken treads,
hapless victims to ensnare.
An hourglass portends their fate,
a widows kiss awaits them there.

Pic

Fire away. I know poems don't have to rhyme, it just worked out that way. One minor thing I'm not sure of... "a" or "the" to begin the last line?
Of course, I expect major things as well

Thanks,

Moose

[Erthona]

I would use the direct article on the last line, plus widow needs to be possessive.

the widow's kiss awaits them there.

To me the rhyme seems forced. For economy's sake I think I would go with something like.(not a suggestion, just examples)

"She sits amid her silken treads,
a victim to ensnare,
red hourglass signals their fate,
the widow's kiss awaits"

--or--

She sits amid her silken treads,
a victim to ensnare.
the hourglass portends his fate,
a widow's kiss for him awaits.

Just some ways to play with it.

Dale

[LV Moose]

I would use the direct article on the last line, plus widow needs to be possessive.

the widow's kiss awaits them there.

To me the rhyme seems forced. For economy's sake I think I would go with something like.(not a suggestion, just examples)

"She sits amid her silken treads,
a victim to ensnare,
red hourglass signals their fate,
the widow's kiss awaits"

--or--

She sits amid her silken treads,
a victim to ensnare.
the hourglass portends his fate,
a widow's kiss for him awaits.

Just some ways to play with it.

Dale

Thank you, Dale.
Of the two, I prefer the latter.
I'll think on it more over the next couple of days.

Moose

[JakMak]

Nice poem, it has sort of a simple elegance... "a widow's kiss awaits them there" a great way to tie it off. Sometimes it's hard to find the right ending sentence, you pulled it off nicely. Good job, good poem.

[tectak]

She sits amid her silken treads,
hapless victims to ensnare.
An hourglass portends their fate,
a widows kiss awaits them there.

Pic

Fire away. I know poems don't have to rhyme, it just worked out that way. One minor thing I'm not sure of... "a" or "the" to begin the last line?
Of course, I expect major things as well

Thanks,

Moose

I realise that this is not in the serious workshopping forum but in spite of it being terse-verse it is suitably packaged for transport there.
As it stands, the possessive "widow's kiss" seems to excite the poetic passion pundits more than the simplistic and statemental nature of the piece...it is a singular observation with no attempt to hoodwink the reader.
For my part I could see the theatrical caesura of a semi-colon after "fate", but there are opportunities for mischief....like:

She sits amidST black, silken threads,
a hapless victim to ensnare.
An hour-glass portends his fate;
a widow's kiss awaits him there.

It is a VERY short piece, so small changes can make a big difference. Your poem. The himness humanises the piece.
This is me liking it...not a lottle as it's little. Rhyme is like powered flight, when it happens, you wonder why it took so long to achieve.
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

She sits amid her silken treads,
hapless victims to ensnare.
An hourglass portends their fate,
a widows kiss awaits them there.

Pic

Fire away. I know poems don't have to rhyme, it just worked out that way. One minor thing I'm not sure of... "a" or "the" to begin the last line?
Of course, I expect major things as well

Thanks,

Moose

See Robert Frost's Design. Maybe you already have but its got a spider in it.

[LV Moose]

She sits amid her silken treads,
hapless victims to ensnare.
An hourglass portends their fate,
a widows kiss awaits them there.

Pic

Fire away. I know poems don't have to rhyme, it just worked out that way. One minor thing I'm not sure of... "a" or "the" to begin the last line?
Of course, I expect major things as well

Thanks,

Moose

I realise that this is not in the serious workshopping forum but in spite of it being terse-verse it is suitably packaged for transport there.
As it stands, the possessive "widow's kiss" seems to excite the poetic passion pundits more than the simplistic and statemental nature of the piece...it is a singular observation with no attempt to hoodwink the reader.
For my part I could see the theatrical caesura of a semi-colon after "fate", but there are opportunities for mischief....like:

She sits amidST black, silken threads,
a hapless victim to ensnare.
An hour-glass portends his fate;
a widow's kiss awaits him there.

It is a VERY short piece, so small changes can make a big difference. Your poem. The himness humanises the piece.
This is me liking it...not a lottle as it's little. Rhyme is like powered flight, when it happens, you wonder why it took so long to achieve.
Best,
tectak

Thanks, tectak.
So, "himness humanises the piece," which I get. When Erthona first suggested the "him," I didn't like it for that reason, but it grew on me. Should it be humanised? I like the semi-colon, but not so much "amidst," and the threads aren't black

Again, gracias.

See Robert Frost's Design. Maybe you already have but its got a spider in it.

No, I hadn't, but I have now. Thanks!

[John Galt]

Hi LV, for me the whole piece was cliche, it carried nothing new to stimulate my senses within the subject matter. I have written quite a few on the same subject, looking for a new angle. (not an easy matter). I realise the simplicity may have been by "design" but if so it did not work for me this time....seeya. JG

[tectak]

She sits amid her silken treads,
hapless victims to ensnare.
An hourglass portends their fate,
a widows kiss awaits them there.

Pic

Fire away. I know poems don't have to rhyme, it just worked out that way. One minor thing I'm not sure of... "a" or "the" to begin the last line?
Of course, I expect major things as well

Thanks,

Moose

I realise that this is not in the serious workshopping forum but in spite of it being terse-verse it is suitably packaged for transport there.
As it stands, the possessive "widow's kiss" seems to excite the poetic passion pundits more than the simplistic and statemental nature of the piece...it is a singular observation with no attempt to hoodwink the reader.
For my part I could see the theatrical caesura of a semi-colon after "fate", but there are opportunities for mischief....like:

She sits amidST black, silken threads,
a hapless victim to ensnare.
An hour-glass portends his fate;
a widow's kiss awaits him there.

It is a VERY short piece, so small changes can make a big difference. Your poem. The himness humanises the piece.
This is me liking it...not a lottle as it's little. Rhyme is like powered flight, when it happens, you wonder why it took so long to achieve.
Best,
tectak

Thanks, tectak.
So, "himness humanises the piece," which I get. When Erthona first suggested the "him," I didn't like it for that reason, but it grew on me. Should it be humanised? I like the semi-colon, but not so much "amidst," and the threads aren't black

Again, gracias.

As aways, your poem. "Amidst" is an acceptable variant on "amid" but it adds a soft sibilance with " She sitS amidST..."
The "black" threads allude...widow, black, rags, threads blah blah. Just me.
As to the humanising, it is but a rakish glance at the next metaphorical allusion, milo will kill me after erthona has murdered me, but "him" is not confined to humanity...although it should be...we call our pets him,he,she,her...BUT in this case is only alludes. Acceptable by repetition as you began with "she" then opted for the uncommited "their".
Best,
tectak

See Robert Frost's Design. Maybe you already have but its got a spider in it.

No, I hadn't, but I have now. Thanks!

[JakMak]

Mayhap it feeds the cliche, but it seems as if a black widow is most comfortable being a girl, the last line, "widow's kiss awaits him there" it kills all the fun in "kiss" bit, but the wit of it goes right out the window, though cliché isn't always ideal, sometimes what's appropriate is what's appropriate. Only the female southern black widow has an hr glass, the males, much smaller and usually a brownish or Grey color have three red or white dots on their dorsal, or top, side. You know how much it sucks to be a male black widow? Our species actively practices consumption, then procreation, where our consumption is usually using large amounts of alcohol as a social lubricant, to meet, attract and then procreate withe the opposite sex, the male black widow, much smaller than the female, procreates, and IS consumed... sucks to be a male black widow... gonna write a narrative about how much it sucks to be a male BW... being cliché is a choice, sometimes though you can't escape the WHY something is cliché, it's gotta be a female BW otherwise his BW would suck....

[LV Moose]

Mayhap it feeds the cliche, but it seems as if a black widow is most comfortable being a girl, the last line, "widow's kiss awaits him there" it kills all the fun in "kiss" bit, but the wit of it goes right out the window, though cliché isn't always ideal, sometimes what's appropriate is what's appropriate. Only the female southern black widow has an hr glass, the males, much smaller and usually a brownish or Grey color have three red or white dots on their dorsal, or top, side. You know how much it sucks to be a male black widow? Our species actively practices consumption, then procreation, where our consumption is usually using large amounts of alcohol as a social lubricant, to meet, attract and then procreate withe the opposite sex, the male black widow, much smaller than the female, procreates, and IS consumed... sucks to be a male black widow... gonna write a narrative about how much it sucks to be a male BW... being cliché is a choice, sometimes though you can't escape the WHY something is cliché, it's gotta be a female BW otherwise his BW would suck....

Thanks. Yeah, I know all that stuff about widows; been photographing them for a few years. We have both Black and Brown, and I can find six or more females any night I want in my back yard. I plan this poem to go with a photograph (and it'll be a fat female with an hourglass).